Автоматическая Алиса

'Why, yes it does belong to me,' cried Alice. 'It's a missing piece from my jigsaw!'

'Well take it then, and in future may I ask you to refrain from cluttering up the tunnels with your litter.'

'I'm very sorry,' replied Alice, taking the jigsaw piece from the ant's grasp. It showed the picture of a single white ant crawling up the stem of a flower. 'I shall place this in London Zoo, just as soon as I get back home.' And she slipped the jigsaw piece into her pinafore pocket.

'But it's only a picture,' sniffed the ant, 'not a living creature.'

'That's quite all right,' Alice replied, 'because he's going to live inside a picture of London Zoo. Is that today's newspaper?'

'I sincerely hope it's today's paper! I've just paid three grubs for it.'

'But it says that termites have been found on the Moon?'

'So?'

'But nobody's been to the Moon!'

'What are you going on about?' the ant demanded. 'The humans have been travelling to the Moon for years now! For years, I tell you! What, exactly, are you doing in this mound?'

'I'm looking for my parrot.'

'A parrot, you say? This wouldn't be a green-and-yellow parrot, with a big orange beak, who just can't stop asking riddles?'

'Yes, that's Whippoorwill! Where did he go?'

'The parrot, he went that-a-way,' said the ant, pointing back down the corridor with one of his antennae.

'Oh thank you, Mister Ant. You've been ever so helpful.'

'How dare you, young miss!' exclaimed the ant, raising himself onto his back legs and blocking her path. 'You have made not one, but two factual errors: firstly, I am not an ant. I am a termite.'

'Oh I am sorry,' said Alice. 'But surely there's not that much difference between ants and termites?'

'Stupid child! Just because we've both got six legs and two sections, and just because we both live in highly organized societies comprising winged males, wingless females and winged queens, you presume ants and termites to be all but identical. You couldn't be more wrong, dear girl. Why, there's a thousand differences between us!'

'Please tell me one,' asked Alice.

'Tell you one what?'

'A difference between a termite and an ant.'

'Well, now... let me think... I'm sure there was something... it's in here somewhere...' The termite was tapping his head with one of his antennae as he pondered. 'Of course! We termites are vegetarians, while the horrible ants are carnivores. In fact...' and here the termite looked around rather nervously as he whispered to Alice, 'ants like to eat termites for breakfast. On toast! I suspect that the ants are jealous because they haven't been found on the Moon. Quite a mound of difference, I think you'll agree?'

Alice did agree, but she wasn't sure why. 'What is your name, Mister Termite?' she asked.

But this latest (very polite) question only made the termite even angrier: his antennae fairly bristled with indignation. 'And that', he trumpeted, 'brings me to your second mistake, for, if you had been paying attention to my previous statement, you would have recognized that I am completely wingless and therefore, logically, I am a female termite.'

'Very well,' said Alice, getting just a little exasperated herself now, 'what is your name, Mrs Termite?'

'Mrs? Mrs? Do I look like a Mrs? Only the Queen is a Mrs! I told you already that the Queen has wings. What is the matter with you?'

'Oh!' cried Alice, 'Miss Termite, you're just too... too... too logical for me!'

'Logical? Of course I'm logical. I'm a computermite.'

'Whatever's a computermite?'

'Exactly what it sounds like, silly. I'm a termite that computes. I work out the answers to questions. Now, what is your question?'

'Very well,' began Alice, trying her best to keep her anger in check, 'what is your name, Miss Computermite?'

'Name?' squeaked the termite. 'Names, names, names! What would I know about names? I'm a termite, for digging's sake! Termites don't have names! Whatever next? You'll be asking if we've got bicycles in a minute!'

Just then, Alice heard a trundling noise coming from behind her, and when she turned to look, what should appear around the corner but a male termite, on a bicycle!

It was quite an ordinary bicycle except that it had two sets of pedals (rather like a tandem) which the male termite pedalled at furiously with his middle and his hind legs, whilst clinging to the handlebars with his forelegs. (This is one of the few cases when two plus two plus fore equals six.) Alice knew it was a male termite because of the wings on his back, and she felt rather proud to have worked out this piece of logic, although why he wasn't flying through the tunnel rather than bicycling through it was quite another question. However, the male termite never gave her a chance to ask this question because he was obviously in a terrible hurry; he simply pedalled past Alice and the female termite at a terrific speed, shouting at them as he did so, 'Come on, you two, hop to it! The Queen of the Mound has received a question from Captain Ramshackle and we must answer it immediately. Chop chop!' And with that he disappeared around the curve in the tunnel.

Alice was quite taken aback by this whirlwind appearance. 'Who on earth is Captain Ramshackle?' she asked of Miss Computermite, but the female termite was already hurrying along the tunnel after the bicycle. 'Come on then,' the termite shouted back at her, 'there's no time for questions, we've got a question to answer!' Alice thought that sentence completely illogical. 'Oh dear, Celia,' she said to her doll, 'we shall never be home in time for our writing lesson now.' And it wasn't until after she'd finished the sentence that Alice realized she no longer had Celia in her hands. 'Oh bother!' she said to herself. 'Not only have I lost Whippoorwill, I've also lost Celia. And not only that, I've also lost myself! Great Aunt Ermintrude is going to be very, very angry.'

And with that Alice started to run along the corridor after Miss Computermite.

Глава II — Извивательство червя

Сотни, даже тысячи других термитов присоединились к Алисе в её погоней за Козодоем. Конечно, эти термиты на самом деле гнались совсем не за попугаем: они гнались за ответом на вопрос, который загадочный Капитан Развалина поставил перед Маткой Бугра. Наконец, Алиса сумела сравняться с мисс Компьютермит и немедленно задала ей такой вопрос: «Что это за вопрос, на который вы пытаетесь ответить?»

«О, это хитрый вопрос, в самом деле» — ответила мисс Компьютермит, продолжая бежать по коридору с внушающей опасение скоростью. — «Капитан Развалина хочет знать, какое число, будучи помноженным на себя, даст в результате минус один. И этот вопрос не имеет ответа.»

«Но, кажется, вопрос не такой уж и сложный» — сказала Алиса.

«Как тебе безусловно должно быть известно» — ответила термитиха, — «единица на единицу будет единица, и минус единица на минус единицу тоже будет единица, потому что минус на минус всегда даёт плюс.»

«Неужели?»

«В самом деле.»

«Но мне говорили, что из двух неправд правды не получишь.»

«Это верно в реальной жизни. В компьютерматике, тем не менее, дела обстоят иначе.» — И с этими