Grandad, Thereэ's head on the beach

'Mair,' I said.

'Yes, Sissi darling?'

See? She really didn't need booze. We were in the kitchen deep-frying mini squid and swaying to one of her old Boney M. tapes. Yes, she still had tapes. She kept them in a box with her stone clubs and flint axe-heads.

'I'm Jimm.'

'Of course you are. Don't be ridiculous.'

'Mair? We've all been a bit preoccupied these past few days. But there's something I've been meaning to ask.'

'Fire away.'

'The monkey.'

'Well, that was hardly a question, was it? And her name's Elain. Show some respect.'

Marvelous that she could remember the monkey's name but forget mine.

'Elain, sorry. She disappeared on Tuesday.'

'Yes. If you say so.'

'That was a day after…'

'After what?'

'After the headboard of your bed first started banging against the wall of your cabin. The night me and Grandad went to your room to see what had happened. The night you screamed the resort down.'

'You've probably got the dates mixed up.'

'No.'

'Then it must have been the wind.'

'You do realize that mothers who lie to their own children get warts on their tongues and grow claws.'

She laughed.

'That was just a story, child. You're all grown up now.'

'But that doesn't stop it being true. Show me your tongue.'

'Don't be ridiculous.'

'Show me.'

She glared at me. I glared back. She poked out her tongue.

'My God. Mair!'

'What?'

'How can you eat with all those warts? Your tongue looks like dinosaur skin.'

'I was afraid that might happen.'

'Who was it, Mair?'

'I can't tell you.'

'But it was human, right?'

'What type of a pervert do you think I am?'

'Oh, Mair. It's true. You were having sex.'

'Shout it for all the world to hear, why don't you?'

'Why not? I think it's great.'

'You do?'

'Of course I do. You're almost a hundred years old and you're still active.' She laughed.

'Remind me again who it was,' I asked, hoping to tap in to her senility.

'Nobody you really know.'

'Give me a clue.'

'I'm not playing.'

'All right. I'll work it out myself. It must have been someone we're used to seeing because a stranger would never be able to sneak in and out of our snoopy little community without being spotted. Oh, my gosh.'

'What?'

'It's Bert. The kid who collects the palm berries.'

'Child, he's only twelve years old.'

'He's nineteen and randy.'

'He only has one eyebrow.'

'But it's long enough for both eyes. And I doubt you'd notice in the dark.'

'Your mother does still have her pride, you know?'

'Well, your pride woke us up at two o'clock that morning, so he's fit. Agile, by the sounds of him. And it didn't sound to me like you were faking it.'

'All right. That's more than enough. It was a dream. I was calling out to Indra to stop the damned rain. Let's leave it at that.'

She looked out the window.

'Your policeman's here,' she said.

I stood beside her and saw Chompu parking his motorcycle in the car park. He had a bandage on his nose that made him look like a parrot. I had to give him credit for agreeing to be seen in public like that. I was just out the door with a tray of squid when I remembered.

'Mair, if I see you drinking…'

'I wouldn't think of doing such a thing.'

I handed my tray to one of our co-op ladies and went over to hug Chompu. His reaction told me he still hadn't fully recovered from his beating.

'I didn't get a chance to tell you how great you were,' I said.

'I confess I do have certain skills when it comes to being punched. I tend to roll rather well.'

'Come on. You did it. You solved the case.'

'If it hadn't been for your mother and sister, I'd be receiving this accolade posthumously.'

'Smile,' I said, and I took his photo with my cell phone.

'Oh, really. Not my best angle.'

'But so colorful. The purples, browns, and greens of Benetton bruising. And that darling little beak. And if I didn't, you'd always regret not having a photo of your first serious beating to show your grandchildren. I wish I had one of mine.'

We walked into the cauldron of the party, where we both found ourselves with unidentified drinks in our hands.

'Any news on Egg?' I asked.

'He's in a lock-up in Lang Suan.'

'You think he'll get out?'

'Probably. Arrests like this are usually for show. I'm scheduled to give evidence against him, but it's bad form for the police to be locking each other up. I doubt he'll find it in his heart to forgive me when he's sprung.'

'Do you think anyone will be punished?'

'They'll put the poor ones away. The armed guards. The rat brothers. Maybe even the slave boss. The rest will buy their way out. Without witnesses or evidence, there'll be no murder charges. Captain Kow witnessed one of the Burmese being shot, but he wasn't in a position to say who pulled the trigger. And as yet, there's no body. It rather reads like a fairy story.'

'So, why did we bother?'

'I think I asked you that same question when I still had a functioning nose.'

'I think you look lovely battered.'

I gave him an air kiss on the cheek.

'What was that for?'

'Being an honest cop.'

'I'll be lucky if I still have a rank tomorrow.'

'They don't dare fire you. You're a hero. The world loves you. My sister thinks you're adorable.'

'She's quite special too.'

'I don't suppose…?'

'We do both have posters of Antonio Banderas on our walls. I've known relationships to start with a lot