The Minotauress

Him again, the Writer thought. He had little interest. Evil was relative, and the evils of the world were not what his book should be about.

Not the evils. The verities.

He smoked and drank, quite contentedly sorting the nomenclature of his literary bullshit, when an overalled old man with a button shirt took the stool next to him. 'Howdy,' he said.

'Good evening, sir,' the Writer replied.

After the man ordered a carry-out burger and soda water, it looked like he was about to say something more to the Writer when the redneck with the plate in his head blared, 'Hey, Doreen! Don't'cha know a whore ain't got no class if'n she don't swaller the nut!'

Other patrons hooted. Doreen showed him her middle finger and stuck out her tongue, which was smeared with semen.

'Ye of little faith,' the old man muttered, shaking his head.

'I don't think Saint Matthew can save any of this crowd,' the Writer said.

'Hmm.' The old man seemed impressed. 'Then who said this: ‘Thy faith hath saved thee.''

The Writer stalled over his cigarette. 'You've stumped me, sir.'

Did the man chuckle? 'Interestin' choice'a words!'

'Pardon me?'

'Aw, nothin'. But I'll'se give ya a hint. He was the best writer of the Gospel authors.'

An uncanny bar conversation. 'I'm not an expert on Scripture, but... ' The best writer of the four Gospels? Then the Writer smiled. 'Saint Luke, of course.'

'Good! So see? Ever-one can be saved... with faith.'

The Writer considered himself an existential Christian which, depending on interpretation, could be viewed as contradictory. He didn't feel like talking now, though. He felt like thinking. About his book. He caught himself staring at one of the billiard games, and suddenly found himself with tunnel-vision. It reminded him of Kant's Eight-Ball Theory, the landmark philosophical tenet that disproved the constancy of causality.

'What'choo thinkin' 'bout, son?' the old man asked. 'Looks like yer contemplatin' the whole universe,' but he'd pronounced universe as 'you-ner-vorse.'

In a sense, I am, the Writer surmised, for his novel would surely define an elemental fragment of it. 'Well, sir, you probably won't have any idea what I'm talking about, but since you asked... I'm thinking about the laws of cause and effect. That pool table there, for instance. When the cue ball hits the eight ball, is the cue ball really the cause? And is the eight ball necessarily the effect? The most sophisticated intellectual thesis says no.'

The old man gave a knowing nod. 'Just as six plus six don't ness-ur-sarah-ly equal twelve. But one thing it always equals is six plus six. What'cher talkin' 'bout, son, is Immanuel Kant's Eight-Ball Theory.'

The Writer's jaw dropped.

'Aw, yeah, I'se know. You's thinkin' what's this old backwoods rube doin' knowin' 'bout that sort'a stuff, but the truth is, son, I'se been a student'a philoss-er-fee fer about forty years. And as fer Immanuel Kant, I gotta hand it ta the Prussian dingbat. He were a screw-loose, shore, but probably the greatest metaphysical thinker in history, ‘cept fer maybe Descartes or Hume, and a'course, Aquinas.'

The Writer almost fell off his stool.

'Me, though? I'se go more fer Kierkegaard: man cain't escape the dismal-ness of his exister-ence without the presupper-zishun'a free will fer a higher duty.'

The Writer still sat stunned; he was a big Kierkegaard fan. 'He espoused that all truth is subjective and unlike space and time, which are merely shaded forms of intuition. And when you combine that with Kant's theorem on God—'

The old man astonishingly took the words right out of the Writer's mouth: 'That logic proves the exister-ence of God because mather-matics equals logic, when you mix that with Kierkegaard's proof that truth is subjecter-ive, then what do ya got?'

'Incontestible evidence that God exists and means to lift humans from their naturalistic existence into a heavenly essence where salvation is achievable.'

'Good, good, son,' the old man sanctioned. 'You sound like you knows almost as much 'bout philosser-fee as me—'

I LOVE this guy! the Writer thought.

'—and ain't it a dang shame that yer average dupe don't care no ways 'bout any of it? We gots the Sooner-ees'n the Sheer-ytes killin' each other over who's the proper descender-ent'a Muhammad, we gots the Or-ther-dox Serbs killin' the Moos-lim Bosnerians 'cos fer five hunnert years it were the Moos-lim Bosnerians killin' the Or-ther-dox Serbs, and ya gots the soul-dead commie Buddhists killin' the anarchistic friggin' Buddhists 'cos they cain't even decide who the first friggin' Buddha was.'

'It's madness,' the Writer agreed.

'Even when they'se got the proof right there in the works'a Kierkegaard'n Kant. The Great Tribber-layshun is shorely on its way.'

The Writer nodded, astounded. 'Yet even Sartre in his existential atheism proposed that salvation was attainable through an objectification of morality.'

Now the old man seemed to scoff. 'Aw, son, that may be fine'n dandy but chew do yerself a favor'n fergit about that fat French fag. He wouldn't'a had nothin' ta write about noways if'n it weren't fer Kierkegaard'n Kant. He was dang near a teller-oller-gist!'

The Writer laughed along with the old man.

'There ain't nothin' out there, son, ‘cept fer the notion'a sacrifice—'

'The sacrifice of accepted morals for a higher morality in itself,' the Writer added.

'A'course, son, and any pea-brain kin see that.'

The Writer couldn't help but continue to be waylaid, and he thought, in a rare departure from his avoidance of profanity, This old fucker might be right. He probably DOES understand philosophy more precisely than I do.