then there was Kiki. Not a real beauty. Pretty enough, but no pizzazz, not like the typical club girl. She was more, well,...»
«Ordinary?» I offered.
«Yeah, ordinary. Regular clothes, hardly any makeup, not a super conversationalist either. She didn't seem to care a lot about what people thought of her. No one you'd give a second look. And the strange thing about her was, somehow she was more attractive, she interested me more. After the three of us got it on, we were sitting on the floor, drinking and listening to music and talking. I hadn't enjoyed myself like that in ages. Not since college. I felt so relaxed with them that the three of us got together a few more times after that.»
«When was this?»
«This was about six months after I got divorced, so that makes maybe a year and a half ago,» he said. «We had this threesome five or six times. I never slept with Kiki alone. I wonder why. I really should have.»
«Yeah, why not?»
He set his knife and fork down on his plate, then pressed at his temple again. Seemed to be a mannerism of his. And a charming one too.
«Maybe I was scared,» Gotanda said.
«What do you mean?»
«Scared to be alone with her,» he said, picking up his cutlery. «There was something challenging about her, almost threatening. At least that was the feeling I got. No, not exactly threatening.»
«Sort of suggestive? Or leading?»
«Yeah, maybe. I can't really say. But whatever it was, I got only a hint of it. I never got the full frontal effect. So anyway, I never felt like sleeping with just her. Despite the fact that she attracted me more. Does this make any sense to you?»
«I guess.»
«Somehow, if I'd slept with Kiki, just the two of us, I wouldn't have been able to relax. I'd have wanted to go a lot deeper with her. Don't ask me why. But that wasn't what I was after. I only wanted to sleep with girls as a kind of release. Even though I really did like Kiki.»
We ate in silence for a moment or two.
«When Kiki didn't show for the audition, I rang up her club,» Gotanda went on, as if he'd just remembered. «I specifically asked for her, but she wasn't there. They told me they didn't know where she was. True, she could've told them to say that if I called. Who knows? But in any case, she evaporated, just like that.»
The waiter cleared the table and asked if we wanted coffee.
«No, but I'd like another drink,» said Gotanda. «How about you?»
«I'm in your hands.»
And so we were brought our fourth round.
«What do you think I did today?» Gotanda asked out of nowhere.
I told him I had no idea.
«I assisted a dentist, all afternoon. Background study for a role. Right now I'm doing this series where I play a dentist. Ryoko Nakano's an optometrist, and we have clinics in the same neighborhood. We've known each other since childhood, but something's always conspiring to keep us apart. Pretty harmless stuff. But, well, TV dramas are all the same. You ever seen it?»
«No, can't say I have,» I said. «I don't watch TV. Except the news. And I only watch it twice a week.»
«Smart,» said Gotanda. «It's a stupid program anyway. If I wasn't in it, I wouldn't watch it myself. But it's a popular show. The ratings are pretty high. You know how the public loves this kind of stuff. And you wouldn't believe the mail I get every week. Dentists writing in, complaining about how such-and-such a procedure wasn't rendered right or the treatment for such-and-such a toothache should have been something else. And then there are these jokers who say they never saw such a poor excuse for a show. Well, if you don't like it, don't watch.»
«Nobody's forcing them to.»
«The funny thing is, I always get stuck playing a doctor or a teacher or somebody wholesome and respectable like that. I've played more doctor roles than I can count. The only thing I haven't been is a proctologist! Imagine how much fun that would be! But I've been a vet and a gynecologist and of course I've been a teacher of every curriculum in the book. I've even taught home economics. What do you make of all this?»
«Well, obviously, you radiate trust,» I laughed.
«Yes, a fatal flaw,» Gotanda laughed back. «Once, I played this crooked used-car salesman. A bullshit artist with one glass eye. Boy, I had fun with that. The role had some bite to it, and I wasn't bad either. But no way. The letters came pouring in. It was too mean a role for the noble likes of me. Somebody even threatened to boycott the sponsor! Toothpaste, if I remember correctly. So my character got scratched in the middle of the season. Written right out. A pretty important part, killed by natural selection. And ever since then, it's been doctors and teachers, doctors and teachers.»
«Complicated life.»
«Or a truly simple one,» he laughed again. «Anyway, today I was doing time as a dental assistant, studying technique. I've been doing this for a while now, and I swear, I can probably do a simple procedure myself. The dentist—the real live dentist—even praised the way I handle the tools. I have this gauze mask on, and none of the patients knows it's me. But still, they all relax when I talk to them.»
«Can't stop radiating that trust, can you?»
«Yup, that's what I'm beginning to think. Matter of fact,
«You're not happy now?»
«Don't know,» said Gotanda, finger in the middle of his forehead this time. «It's this trust business I'm such a pro at. I don't know whether
«Hmm.»
«If I really was a doctor or a teacher, no one could switch me off. I'm always there.»
«True, but even with acting, you always have to be there.»
«Sometimes I just get tired,» said Gotanda. «I get headaches, and I just lose track. I mean, it's like which is me and which the role? Where's the line between me and my shadow?»
«Everybody feels that way, not just you.»
«I know that. Everybody loses track of themselves. Only in me, the slant is too strong. It's, well, fatal. I've always been this way, since I don't know when. To be honest, I was always envious of you.»
«Of me?» I was incredulous. «Why the hell would
«I don't know, you always seemed to get along just fine doing your own thing. Didn't matter what others thought, you didn't really care. You did what you wanted, how you wanted. You were solid.» He raised his glass and looked through it. «I, on the other hand, was the eternal golden boy. I never did anything wrong, I got the best grades, I won elections, I was a star athlete. Girls liked me. And teachers and parents
No, not really, I told him.
«After junior high, I went to this school that was big in soccer. We almost made it to the nationals. So it was like an extension of junior high. I kept on being
Gotanda took a sip of whiskey.
«Things changed a bit in college. There was all this campus unrest, the United Student Front. I got put in a leading role again. And I played the role all right. I did everything. Put up barricades, slept around, smoked dope, listened to Deep Purple. The riot squad broke in and we got dragged off to jail. After that, there wasn't much for us to do.
«That was when the girl I was living with talked me into doing underground theater. So I tried out, partly as
