This Side of Heaven

her life.

Cyn took in quick, ragged breaths as she stared at Nate, love and longing in her eyes. 'Am I making a fool of my­self?' she asked, her voice trembly with tears.

'We're both fools,' he told her, his own voice deliber­ately hard and controlled. He dropped his hands from her shoulders. 'We've allowed our hormones to get us into a dangerous situation.'

'There's more between us than overactive hormones.' Stepping away from him, she tilted her head slightly, then stuck out her chin, a defiant, determined look on her face. 'What we shared went beyond good sex.'

Nate fought the urge to take her in his arms, the over­whelming desire to admit to Cyn that what he felt for her went beyond anything he'd ever experienced, even in his dreams. 'The sex was good, wasn't it?'

'Don't do this, Nate. Don't try to alienate me by playing the chauvinist male.''

'But that's exactly what I am. I'm no Prince Charming, no answer to a maiden's prayers. You said yourself that loving me goes against everything you've ever believed in.'

'What kind of trouble are you in?' she asked, taking a tentative step toward him, knowing that he was deliberately trying to be insulting enough to make her run.

He held out a restraining hand, a visible reminder that he didn't want her to touch him. 'There's a man I knew years ago. In Nam.' Nate walked across the room, wanting to put physical space between him and the woman who was so de­termined to help him. Dear God, how much he wanted to accept what she was offering. But he couldn't.

'A part of your violent past?' Somehow she knew that whatever danger he faced, he intended to confront it by calling upon his skills as a warrior. Live by the sword, die by the sword flashed through Cyn's mind.

'Yeah,' Nate said, hating the look of condemnation he saw in her eyes. 'Something happened between me and this man, something you don't need to know about.' How could he ever tell Cyn the whole story and expect her to under­stand? Without knowing any specific details of his past, she was already repulsed. If she knew the bloody facts, she would hate herself for loving him.

'You can tell me anything. I'll understand.' She went up behind him, wanting to put her arms around him, longing to ease the pain she heard in his voice, saw in his slumped shoulders. If only she could help him put his violent past behind him, and teach him how to live in peace. Surely he could change. All he needed was for her to show him how. Violence didn't solve anything; it only destroyed life.

'The less you know, the better,' he said.

'Then tell me what I need to know.' She reached out, allowing her hand to hover in mid-air, almost touching his tense back.

'This man, Ryker, swore he'd kill me someday, swore revenge. For the past five years, I've thought he was dead, that I didn't have to be constantly looking over my shoul­der, waiting for the day of reckoning.' Nate turned, facing her. 'He's alive. He's, on his way to St. Augustine, and when he finds me, he's going to try to kill me.'

She touched him then, unable to stop herself. He grabbed her hand where it caressed his cheek, and buried his mouth in her open palm.

'Oh, Nate. Nate...' Tears gathered in the corners of her eyes, spilling over onto her cheeks.

Suddenly he pulled her into his arms, nuzzling her neck, whispering her name. 'If you were my woman, you'd be in danger. I can't let that happen.' He wouldn't allow any­thing to happen to Cyn. He knew as surely as he knew the sun rose in the east that this woman was his soul. If she died because of him, he would be eternally lost.

'I think it's too late, Nathan Hodges. I'm already your woman, and we both know it.' She held on to him with the fierce protectiveness of a mother lion safeguarding her cubs, of a strong female willing to go the limit to take care of her mate.

'But Ryker doesn't know it. He must never know. You have to get out of my life and stay out. For both our sakes.' Nate remembered that Ramon Carranza had found out. How could he hope to keep her safe from Ryker when he had such powerful and ruthless friends? Nate released her, and when she refused to let him go, he pulled away.

'Can't the police help you? Surely they won't allow a man to just hunt another man down like an animal.'

'Brown Eyes, you don't understand, you couldn't even begin to imagine. We're talking about jungle warfare here. We're talking about two trained killers who are evenly matched. This has nothing to do with any kind of civilized law you know.'

The blood ran cold in her veins. No, she had never known anything about that kind of world, those kind of men, and yet, somewhere deep inside of her, she understood. 'Two warriors who will fight to the death.'

The look in her eyes ripped into his gut. He wanted to take her back into his arms, to reassure her that if he came out of this alive, he'd come for her. But he knew better than to promise anything. 'What do I have to say or do to make you understand that if Ryker finds out about you, he'll use you to get to me?' A kaleidoscope of images flashed quickly through Nate's mind. Ryker's icy blue eye. His tri­umphant grin. Cyn's lifeless body in Ryker's arms.

'Nate...' She reached out for him.

'I'm sorry, Brown Eyes, sorrier than you'll ever know.'

Although she longed to touch him, to reassure him with her embrace, she realized he wanted her to stay at arm's length, that he was fighting the desire to keep her with him.

'You're approaching this problem the wrong way,' she said. 'Violence can't be the only solution. This man, this Ryker, can't fight you if you're not willing. If what he's seeking is a confrontation, then don't give it to him.'

'Dammit, woman, do you think all I've got to do is tell him I don't want to fight? When a man is intent on killing you, you have only one choice, and that's to defend your­self.'

'Let the police take care of Ryker. That's their job. Pro­tecting law-abiding citizens from criminals.' She clenched her fists at her sides in an effort to keep from touching him.

'The way they protected your husband?' Nate asked, knowing full well that his words would hurt her, but deter­mined to make her realize the naivete of her thinking. 'And what about the boy who killed Evan? There are times when a man has to take care of himself.'

A knot of unshed tears lodged in her throat. Her hands jerked. She balled her fingers tightly against her palms, her nails cutting into the soft flesh. 'Damn you, Nate Hodges. You know Evan was nothing like you. His situation and yours have nothing in common. He didn't seek out vio­lence, it was thrust upon him.'

Didn't she realize, Nate wondered, that despite his brutal past, he wasn't seeking danger; it was seeking him. 'Your husband chose to try to help a boy addicted to drugs. He put himself and you in danger by doing that.'

'No.' She placed her hands over her ears and turned from Nate as tears escaped her eyes, falling in thin, warm streams down her cheeks. As quickly as she had shunned the sight of him, Cyn spun around, her damp eyes glaring. 'Evan was the most gentle man I've ever known, the most caring. He always put the needs of others before his own. He... he was as opposed to violence as I am. He didn't re­alize he was in danger, that he was putting me... Darren Kilbrew brought violence into our lives. His whole life had been filled with it, just like yours has been.'

'I didn't spend twenty years as a criminal, killing inno­cent people. I was one of the good guys, dammit. I worked for the government, defending this country. Just like the police, my job was protecting others, the people of this country.' He saw the look of disbelief in her eyes, the lack of understanding. Could he ever make her realize that countries, as well as individuals, often had little choice in choosing violence over peace. 'When danger threatens, when violence is thrust upon you, then you have to fight in order to survive. Ian Ryker will give me no choice.'

'I don't think you want one,' Cyn told him.

'That's not true.'

'Then let me help you.' She watched him carefully, praying for some sign of agreement. 'Together we can find a way. You don't have to meet him on a field of battle. You don't have to fight a duel to the death.'

'You don't understand,' Nate said. Cyn, in her inno­cence, had no knowledge of a man like Ryker. Despite the fact that her husband had been brutally murdered, she didn't know anything about professional killers. 'Darren Kilbrew was a kid half out of his mind on drugs. The drug was as much Evan's murderer as that boy was. Ian Ryker is different. He kills for the sheer pleasure of it, and the longer he can make his victim suffer, the better he likes it.'

'What about Nick Romero?' Cyn asked. 'He's some sort of government agent, isn't he? Let him or whatever