The Weight of Silence

confusion and relief. Martin is crying, great inconsolable sobs. And I see what they both do not. Bunched up in Calli’s other hand is Petra’s white underwear with yellow flowers.

MARTIN

I turn when I hear the rustle in the trees. I see Petra’s little friend, Calli, running down the path. It is what is in her hand that I am drawn to. From so far away it glints as it swings from her hand. It has never been off Petra’s neck, and my stomach seizes and the strength rushes from my limbs and I stumble to my knees. I look to her face, and on it I see fierce determination, not fear, not terror. A smile almost plays on her grimy face. A moment of hope. I look behind Calli and do not see Petra following. She’s cleared the brush now and I stand up, my hand already outstretched to take back my child’s necklace. The girl stops in front of her mother and the deputy sheriff, her breath coming out in ragged puffs. This mute little creature who never speaks, and I feel desperation roiling up in me. I need to find my Petra, now. I am running to where the girl stands, ready to shake her bony shoulders. “Tell me! Tell me!” I will scream, my nose touching hers.

I stop a few steps from her. She is tugging on the sleeve of the deputy sheriff. He bends down, his ear level with her mouth. One word crashes into me, and I weep.

ANTONIA

In the woods, through the bee trees whose heavy, sweet smell will forever remind me of this day, I see flashes of your pink summer nightgown that you wore to bed last night. My chest loosens and I am shaky with relief. I scarcely notice your scratched legs, muddy knees, or the chain in your hand. I reach out to gather you in my arms, to hold you so tight, to lay my cheek on your sweaty head. I will never wish for you to speak, never silently beg you to talk. You are here. But you step past me, not seeing me, you stop at Louis’s side, and I think, You don’t even see me, it’s Louis’s deputy sheriff’s uniform, good girl, that’s the smart thing to do. Louis lowers himself toward you, and I am fastened to the look on your face. I see your lips begin to arrange themselves and I know, I know. I see the word form, the syllables hardening and sliding from your mouth, with no effort. Your voice, not unsure or hoarse from lack of use, but clear and bold. One word, the first in over three years. In an instant I have you in my arms and I am crying, tears dropping many emotions, mostly thankfulness and relief, but tears of sorrow mixed in. I see Petra’s father crumble. Your chosen word doesn’t make sense to me. But it doesn’t matter, I don’t care. You have finally spoken.

CALLI

Calli ran on legs that she could no longer feel, just a heaviness below her waist, but the need to move forward kept her going. For Ben. For Ben who always came through for her, who took beatings and cruel words that in all rights belonged to her. Calli gripped more tightly to the items in her hands, Petra’s necklace and her underwear. Why Petra wasn’t wearing them, Calli did not understand, but she knew that they were important in all of this. Petra, hurt so badly, he had said she might die. Oh, God, would that be her fault, too? Out of the corner of her eye she saw a straw-colored lump among a patch of brown-tipped ferns. Calli stopped abruptly. The dog. The dog she had seen earlier, wandering playfully through the woods. Dead. Lying there in a heap, its long, pink tongue poking from between its pointed teeth. Its eyes open wide and unseeing. The dog’s collar had been removed. Calli had the unnerving feeling that something was watching her and she turned away from the dog and continued her trek down the bluff. Faster, faster, not even watching the ground in front of her for rocks or roots that could cause her to stumble. Ben said to go down, go down to find help, and she would. That man. That scary man, up there, too. His dog. Yes, that was his dog. Daddy, she thought, Daddy, he was so angry with her and he would take it out on Ben, she knew, and Petra, maybe. Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man…The words spiraled through her mind. Then she could see it, the end of the trail, where the trees abruptly stopped. Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man. She ran out into the clearing, saw an unexpected sight, her mother, oh, her mother, and Deputy Louis and Petra’s daddy! She could stop running now. She did what Ben had told her to do, get help. Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy. Who to go to? Deputy Louis, yes, he would get help right away, get that man, get Daddy. She was at the deputy’s side, her mother’s arms stretched out toward her…Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man…

“Ben!” The name erupted from her, it didn’t feel like it came from her mouth exactly, but somewhere deeper, from just below her breastbone. She didn’t recognize her own voice, it sounded so strong, so clear and she wanted to say more…Ben, Daddy, Petra, that man, Ben, Daddy…But then her mother’s arms were around her, rocking her. She was so tired, so thirsty, they were all moving now, and she went silent once again.

MARTIN

Calli is still holding Petra’s necklace, surrounded by her mother and Deputy Louis. Through my tears I go toward her to get it back. Ben? Ben did this? I could not believe it, though, yes, it crossed my mind when Fielda had broached the subject hours ago in anger. Ben? I try to pry the charm from Calli’s fingers, but Louis steps between us.

“Martin, give her space,” he orders.

“Where is she?” I croak. Calli has her face buried in her mother’s stomach; my hands are shaking in desperation.

“Martin,” Louis says gently, “we’ll find her. I’m calling for backup right now.”

I can see Louis fumbling and retrieve something from Calli’s hand, not the one holding the necklace. I crane to see what it is, but cannot. He crumples the item into his fist, so I cannot tell what he is holding, and then he lopes off to his car to call for help.

“Calli, tell me, is Petra all right?” I ask as soothingly as I can. “Did you just come from her? Please tell me. Is Ben up there with her? Did Ben hurt you?”

Antonia gives me a searing stare and shields Calli from me. As if I am the dangerous one here. “Listen, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but Ben had nothing to do with…” Louis hurries back to us, interrupting Antonia’s angry reproach.

“I’ve called for more officers to help us go up after Petra and Ben.” He pauses and looks Calli up and down. “And for an ambulance. The medics will check Calli over and will be available if Petra and Ben need assistance,” Louis tells us. He bends down to face Calli. “Calli,” he says soothingly, “is Petra okay?” He waits for a response from her. Slowly, she shakes her head no and I moan and head toward the trail.

“Martin, wait! We need more information before we go up there! There are three trails—we need to know which one to take!” I stop and return to them, agitated.

“Ask her, then, ask her where they are! She can talk, she said, ‘Ben!’ Ask her!” I shout, spittle flies from my lips and both Calli and Antonia cringe at my outburst.