Crashed

she doesn’t, they’ve just picked up a nice chunk of change.”

Whelan was looking at me as though he expected me to sprout fins and gills. “So that’s two hundred,” he said. “And it doesn’t even go to you.” He shook his head. “What’s the rest of it?”

“A hundred is Thistle’s salary,” I said. “So the producer is getting her both risk-free and literally free. A hundred and fifty is to buy her contract.”

“To buy …”

“Her contract.”

He shrugged. “Sure. Her contract. So, four-fifty in all.”

“And a hundred for me.”

“Just a hundred. Out of all that.”

“That’s right.”

“So it’s all about you, wrapped in pure motives, walking on water.”

“If you like.”

“You gotta be crazy. I don’t do business with crazy people.” He said it with a straight face, too.

I got up just as Wally came in carrying a ridiculously fragile-looking cup and saucer. “Sorry, Wally,” I said. “I’m going.”

“Siddown,” Whelan said. “Wally, give the gentleman his coffee.”

For ten minutes, I watched Whelan work the phone, and it was like watching Derek Jeter play shortstop. In less than a minute he burned through three assistants to reach someone named David, and in under a minute he’d ascertained that the part of the receptionist-“You know, the one whose nails are so long she can’t do anything?”- was as yet uncast, and had made a pitch for Thistle that was nothing short of brilliant: the publicity value, the good-deed aspect of it, how everybody in town would be pulling for her, how it was practically a guaranteed supporting actress nomination if she was any good because everybody votes for a reformed fuckup-and get this, I’ll cover the expenses and even pay her salary. Why? Because I read that thing in the trades this morning and it broke my heart, that poor little kid. You’re a young guy, David, don’t tell me you didn’t watch her every week, well, don’t you think she oughta get another chance? Yeah, me, too. No, I don’t want any credit, I’m just behind the scenes, you’re the one the Pope will sprinkle the water on. Nah, nah, she’s as straight as a string. I’m telling you, all that’s behind her, and I’ll tell you what, if you don’t think two weeks from now that I’ve done you a huge favor, you can come over here and kick me in the ass. Yeah, and I’ll wear my best pants, the silk crepe you keep asking where I got them. Okay, David, you’re a sweetheart, which days? And send the script to me and I’ll get it to her, you’re doing a great thing, bye for now.

“Okay?” he asked me.

“It’s a pleasure to watch you work.”

“You said two calls. Who’s next?” He seemed to be enjoying himself.

“This one needs a little preparation,” I said.

We talked for three or four minutes, and he said, “Piece of cake. You got a number?” I gave it to him, and he dialed.

“Ms. Annunziato, please. This is Jake Whelan. Yes, that Jake Whelan.” He looked at me. “Nobody answers the phone himself any more. Call your fucking plumber, you get an assistant.” He sat up as though someone had entered the room. “Ms. Annunziato,” he said. “Jake Whelan here. Yes, fine, and you? Glad to hear it. Listen, here’s why I’m calling. I read the trades this morning like everyone else in town, and I gotta tell you, it didn’t make anybody happy, I had calls all day from people you wouldn’t believe, the whole fucking A-list, it was like RSVPs for the Vanity Fair party, and they all sound exactly alike, what they’re saying. Yeah, yeah, I know you got a business, but a lot of people, they read that story and thought the same thing I did, which is, this isn’t right. So I’m telling you that a few of us got together and we’re not going to let Thistle make your movie.”

He held the phone away from his ear and made a yacking motion with his free hand. He looked over his shoulder at Wally and made a vague gesture that was perfectly clear to Wally, who went to a heavy wooden chest to the left of the fireplace, pulled out a couple of logs big enough to ride over Niagara Falls on, and tossed them onto the blaze. Throughout all of it, I could hear Trey on the other end, going a mile a minute. After he was satisfied that the logs were going to catch, Whelan put the phone back to his ear and just started talking, without even waiting for her to pause. “Yeah, I hear what you’re saying and I know you got a point of view there, but here’s what’s going to happen. She’s going to make another movie, a real movie, not like a star or anything, but it’s gonna be something we can all feel good about, and we’ve decided to buy her contract from you. How does a hundred thousand sound?”

I started to object, but he held up a hand. “What do you mean, it’s low? Okay, okay. I can sweeten it to one- fifty, but that’s it. And I mean, she’s not going to make your movie no matter what, so you might as well take the money and be a good sport. And also, we’re gonna let you look like an angel here, instead of being on the wrong side in a media pissing match. I mean, just how good does this sound? You announce that you’re delighted to learn that the news about Thistle’s participation in your movie has brought her new offers, and as much as you looked forward to working with her, it’s a privilege to know you’ve played a part in helping her get a more suitable role, and you’re releasing her and you wish her all the best and blah blah blah. And we all just keep quiet about the money you’re getting. See, this way you’re like Lady Bountiful instead of being the bitch who’s trying to force America’s sweetheart into doing the dirty on film.”

He winked at me and rubbed his nostrils. “That’s what I thought. Sure, sure you can release it, we don’t want any credit, in fact, try to get it out tonight, it’ll hit bigger, and the trades are still open. You can use my PR guy if you don’t have one, you got a pencil? Here’s his number.” Whelan rattled off a number. “His name is Skip. Yeah, I know, but that’s what he calls himself.” He rubbed his nose again and his eyes flicked longingly in the direction of the door he’d come in through. “We set, then? All clear on your end? Great, great. Love to meet you some time. I’ve thought for years that your family was one of the great American success stories, great movie idea there. Bye.”

He hung up, swiped his nose with the finger again, and said, “Be right back. You want your hundred Gs in cash, right?”

“Right.” And I defy you to come up with a better answer.

Whelan started toward Powder Central, then bent down and picked up the Klee. “Just in case you change your mind,” he said. He gave it one more look on his way out of the room, and over his shoulder he said, “It really is better than the other one.”

43

I can hurt

The thing about Laurel Canyon is that it isn’t really anywhere, but it’s sort of close to everywhere. It’s not the Valley, it’s not Beverly Hills, it’s not Hollywood or even West Hollywood, but they’re all just around the corner, at least in terms of LA distances. It’s a nice fifteen-minute purr in the Rolls or the Bentley, or an eleven-minute hop in the Porsche, to anywhere the canyon dwellers might be most likely to go.

And it was just a few minutes, even during rush hour, to where I was headed.

My watch made it 6:20. The world was mainly headlights and rain, plus the drama of the occasional fallen branch, supernaturally wet and leafy, in the middle of the road. Long red spectra of brakelights traveled the night, as the car ten or twelve ahead of me slowed and glowed red and passed it on to the one behind, and so on until my own foot hit the brake and left me motionless on a shining street, the car standing still while my mind moved a million miles an hour, mostly in unpleasant directions.

But I learned a long time ago not to linger on the things that might kill me. If you’re not capable of figuring out how to get past all that and move toward solutions, it would probably be better not to break the law for a living, which, despite the appeal of short hours and long pay, more or less guarantees that you’re going to be in constant