Her Fearful Symmetry

pale green velvet. The silver had been a wedding present for Elspeth and Edie’s parents. It had vanished in a burglary in 1996. Julia wondered briefly why anyone would keep an empty box which had so completely lost its purpose. She carried it into the bedroom and placed it next to the Kitten’s body.

Valentina opened the box. “I don’t think she’ll fit,” she said.

“Maybe if she was more fork-shaped. Wait, I think this lifts out,” Julia said. The old glue gave way as Julia ripped the insert away from the box. This released a fierce mouldy smell. Valentina made a face and pulled her shirt over her nose.

“We’ll put catnip in with her. And wrap her in something pretty.” Julia went into the dressing room and came out holding a blue silk scarf that had been Elspeth’s. Valentina nodded. Julia spread it out on the bed. Valentina gathered up the Kitten and placed her on the scarf. She kissed the top of the Kitten’s head. The Kitten’s body felt a little stiff. Valentina wrapped the scarf over her and put her in the box. The Kitten seemed more dead in the box than she had laying on the bed; the lump under the silk was utterly still and pathetic. Valentina closed the lid.

The twins went downstairs and stood in front of Robert’s door, not speaking. Valentina held the box. When Robert opened the door, he said, “I’ve been thinking and I think we should bury her in the back garden.”

“Why?” said Julia. “There’s a whole cemetery on the other side of the wall. It’s silly to have a family crypt and not be able to put her in it.” The twins walked into Robert’s flat but then stood in his front hall as though about to leave again. He shut the door.

“There are some quite good reasons why that won’t be happening. First, you don’t have a proper coffin for aboveground interment, so that would get ugly. Next, animals aren’t permitted to be buried in Highgate Cemetery, it’s a consecrated Christian burial ground.”

“Not even Christian animals?” asked Julia.

“What if we got the right kind of coffin?” asked Valentina.

Robert said, “We’ll bury her next to the garden wall and have George carve her a little gravestone. She’ll be two feet away from the cemetery and you can visit her any time you want to.”

“Okay,” said Valentina. She felt numb. She needed to talk to Elspeth, but Elspeth was nowhere to be found.

The three of them went out into the back garden. Robert fetched a spade and some gloves. After consulting with Valentina he began to dig a hole. Though the box was not large, he dug down three feet. When the hole was finally big enough he had a new appreciation for the burial team at the cemetery; Thomas and Matthew could have dugthat grave in ten minutes, and here I am getting blisters and covered with sweat. He laid the box carefully at the bottom of the hole.

Julia said, “Shouldn’t we…say something?”

“A prayer, do you mean?” asked Robert. He glanced from Julia to Valentina.

Valentina said, “Goodbye…Kitten…” I love you. I’m sorry… She began to cry. Robert and Julia looked at each other, uncertain, each trying to allow the other to comfort her. Julia made a gesture with her hands: Go for it. Robert stepped towards Valentina, gathered her to him; she was sobbing now. Julia turned away. She walked to the house and up the fire escape. As she opened the door she looked down and saw Valentina clinging to Robert. Robert was watching Julia. He looks uncomfortable. Like somebody gave him a present he didn’t want but has to pretend he likes. Julia went into the flat and left them to it.

For two days everyone avoided one another. Elspeth stayed in her drawer reproaching herself; Robert put in some time at the cemetery with the burial records; Julia rose early and went out without saying where she was going; Valentina hung around the flat and tried to work on her shroud dress. She found it difficult to concentrate, and the logic of the pattern continued to elude her. Robert had helped the twins order a new television, which arrived the day after the Kitten’s funeral. Valentina abandoned the dress for Antiques Roadshow and a documentary about Islam. Martin had no clue that anything was amiss, and happily worked on his crosswords and practised standing on the landing. He could stand there for ten minutes now without incident; he was considering actually walking down the stairs.

Valentina was eating her dinner and watching EastEnders when Elspeth finally emerged. She sat a few feet away from the television, invisible to Valentina, trying to think what to say. The programme ended. Valentina turned the TV off and began to clear away her dishes. Elspeth followed her to the kitchen and then to the bedroom, agonising.

Valentina said, “Elspeth? I know you’re there.”

Elspeth touched her fingers to the back of Valentina’s hand. Valentina went into the front room and sat down at the Ouija board. “What happened, Elspeth?”

HORRIBLE MISTAKE I AM VERY SORRY

“I didn’t want you to really kill her, you know?”

I KNOW I TRIED TO PUT HER BACK SHE WOULDNT SHE RAN AWAY

“Is she here now?”

I CANT SEE HER

“If you see her, will you please let me know?”

IT MAY TAKE TIME FIRST SHE WILL BE LIKE A CLOUD

“Okay.”

I AM SORRY

“Me too. It’s my fault, Elspeth, I shouldn’t have suggested it.”

BEST LAID PLANS OF MICE AND MEN

“Yeah, I guess.” Valentina stood up. “Elspeth, I’m tired. I have to go to bed now.”

GOODNIGHT

“Goodnight.” Valentina left the room. Then Elspeth heard her brushing her teeth. So much for that, Elspeth thought. Perhaps it’s just as well.

The following morning Julia found Valentina in the back garden. She was sitting on the bench in the sun, staring at the little mound of earth over the Kitten’s grave.

“Um, hi,” said Julia.

“Hi.”

“I was thinking of going to Liberty. Do you want to come with?”

Valentina was about to say no when she remembered that Julia doesn’t really like Liberty; she must be going to please me. Valentina thought of the fabric remnants on Liberty’s third floor; she could spend a couple of hours mindlessly looking at fabric. It would make a change from TV. “Okay,” she said. “Sure.”

They didn’t speak much on the way there. Valentina was dressed entirely in black; the clothes were Elspeth’s. Julia, unable to match her, had settled for a pale pink hoodie and a short skirt with tights. Pink and black look good together, she thought. We’ll match without matching. They sat side by side as the Northern line growled along, each acutely aware of the other but unable to begin a conversation. When they arrived at Liberty, Valentina went upstairs and plunged into the fabric department. Julia followed and hung back, turning over in her mind what she might say to Valentina when Valentina was willing to talk.

At lunchtime they left the store and went to a Pret; they split a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich and a bag of potato chips. Julia drank a Coke and Valentina had tea. As lunch stretched on in silence, Julia grew more anxious. Finally she said, “What would you like to do next?”

Valentina shrugged. “I don’t know. Go home, I guess.”

“Oh, come on,” Julia wheedled. “It’s such a nice day. Don’t go home yet.”

“Okay.” Valentina’s tone made it clear that she didn’t much care what she did.

“Let’s go for a walk.”

“Okay.”

Back on the street, Julia headed south. She could navigate without consulting the A-Z now, Valentina noticed. Soon they were strolling in St James’s Park. “Let’s watch the ducks,” Valentina said, so they sat on a bench and stared at the ducks for a while.

Julia said, “Why are you so mad at me?”

“You know.”

“No…I don’t get it. We’ve always been together, and we were happy. I mean, we didn’t even think about it, you know? That was just how it was. We wanted the same thing, and we were never going to be apart…remember?”