Her Fearful Symmetry

Valentina shook her head. “That was your thing. Your idea about how we were. We always did what you wanted. You never even noticed, but you got your way all the time. The things I wanted to do, somehow we never got around to doing. Like school. We could have stayed at Cornell, or U of I. We could be done with school now. We could have actual jobs. But you didn’t like it when I tried to do stuff without you, so you left and you dragged me along. You don’t want to do anything with your life, as far as I can tell, so I’m not allowed to have a life either. So what’s the point, Julia? You can’t hang on to me forever.”

“But we’re supposed to be together. I mean, look at Mom and Elspeth. They didn’t want to be apart. Something really huge happened and they had to separate, but they wouldn’t have unless they had to, and they were unhappy about it.”

Valentina said, “They could have gotten back together, but they didn’t. Robert and Elspeth came to America on vacation and they never even went to Chicago because Elspeth didn’t want to. Robert thinks Mom told Elspeth not to be in touch with us.”

“But the point is, they didn’t want to be apart.”

“Who cares about them?” said Valentina. “ I want to go to school. I want to have a boyfriend, I want to get married and have kids. I want to be a designer, I want to live in my own flat by myself, I want to eat a whole sandwich by myself. Not necessarily in that order,” she added.

“You can have all the sandwiches you want,” Julia replied. She meant it as a joke, but Valentina stood up and walked off abruptly. Julia called after her. When Valentina kept walking Julia followed her. Where is she going? Julia worried. She doesn’t have a map, she’ll be totally lost in ten seconds. Valentina left the park, hesitated, turned right and began walking along the Mall. Julia ran to catch up. She saw Valentina glance backwards, then hurry on. When Valentina came to Trafalgar Square she stopped to talk with a Big Issue vendor, who pointed and gestured and seemed to be writing something down for her. She’s trying to find the tube, Julia thought. She waited for Valentina to figure it out. I’ll catch up with her on the train. She won’t be able toget away then. Valentina looked around, did not see Julia, and walked off in the wrong direction. Why aren’t you going to Charing Cross? Julia trailed her along Cockspur Street and up Haymarket. She’s kind of invisible, wearing black. Julia closed some of the distance between them and luckily happened to see Valentina disappear into the Piccadilly Circus tube station. Julia ran after her. She saw Valentina slap her Oyster card on the barrier, pass through and run for the stairs. Julia followed; she took the escalator and got to the bottom before Valentina did. Valentina walked by Julia without a word. Julia walked a few steps behind her, distraught.

Valentina ducked into the platform for the westbound Piccadilly line. Where the hell is she going? Julia stood a couple of feet away and said, “Valentina. This is the wrong train. It’s going to Heathrow Airport.” Valentina ignored her. Is she going to the airport? She doesn’t have her passport. She doesn’t even have much money on her. A train came. Valentina got on. Julia got on after her.

Just as the doors were closing Valentina squeezed through them and jumped off the train. Julia saw her standing on the platform, watching the train slide away with an expression of satisfaction.

Robert came home from the cemetery shortly after six. He made himself a drink and went out into the back garden, intending to sit just inside the cemetery wall and relax. He found Julia sitting on the bench. She had been crying.

“What’s wrong?” he said, against his better judgement.

“Valentina’s lost,” Julia replied. She told him some of the events of the day.

“I don’t know,” he said. “Just because she gave you the slip doesn’t mean she’s lost.”

Julia looked away. “Then where is she?”

“I don’t know, but surely she’ll come home tonight.”

Julia looked doubtful, but she said, “Yeah. I guess.”

Robert offered her his glass. “Would you like some?”

“No, thanks.”

“Can I do anything, then?”

“No. But thanks.” Julia went up to her flat, leaving Robert worrying in the garden.

At eleven o’clock Julia came downstairs and knocked on Robert’s door. “Any word?” he said.

“No.” Julia continued to stand in the hall. “What should we do? Should we call the police?”

“I don’t know,” he replied. “I’m not sure-”

The phone rang. Robert hurried to it. “Hello?…Thank God, we’ve been worried…Where are you?…West Dulwich? How did you get there?… Never mind, let me get a map…I’ll come in a minicab, just wait for me at the entrance, okay?…No, it’s fine, just stay there. Yes, no worries. See you soon.” He hung up and turned to Julia. “She’s at a railway station in south London.”

“Can I come?”

Robert said, “It might be better if you didn’t.” He found his wallet and his keys; he stepped into the hall. “I’m sorry, Julia. She sounded- overwrought.”

Julia said, “That’s okay.” She turned and went upstairs. Robert set out for the minicab office.

The journey from Highgate to West Dulwich was a long one, and Robert had time to reflect. Perhaps I should call their parents. I’m not equipped to deal with their issues, Elspeth is no help. I could call Edie and Jack, ask them to come over…and do what, exactly? Take them in hand…I’m not their guardian…What they need is a referee…

When the cab eventually pulled up to the station, Robert got out and stood on the pavement. Valentina seemed to materialise from the shadows; Robert saw her disembodied head floating towards him, then he realised she was wearing black clothing. Neither of them spoke. She got into the cab and he slid in beside her.

There was very little traffic. The driver was talking in Hindi to someone on his mobile. They rode for several miles in awkward silence. As the cab crossed the Thames Robert said, “Are you all right?”

“I’ve made a decision,” Valentina said calmly. “But I’m going to need your help.”

Robert experienced a qualm. Later, he thought that he should have stopped the cab, sent her home without him; he should have abandoned her then, and run through the streets of south London until his heart failed. Instead he said, “Oh?”

Very quietly, so the driver would not hear, Valentina began to tell him about Elspeth’s resurrection of the Kitten. Robert listened with increasing impatience. “I don’t understand,” he said. “The Kitten is dead.”

“That was another day-Elspeth was practising. The Kitten didn’t like it and ran away, and Elspeth couldn’t put her back in her body.”

“Why on earth was Elspeth practising? Practising for what?” “That’s what I wanted to tell you. We had a plan…” As she explained the plan, in her soft American voice, almost whispering in the back of the minicab, Robert had a sensation of horror. He drew away from Valentina. “You’re mad,” he said.

She laid her small hand on his knee. “That’s what Elspeth said, at first. But then she thought about it, and she worked out how we could do it. You should talk to Elspeth.”

“Yes, I certainly am going to have a chat with her.” He removed her hand from his leg, then relented and held it. “Erm, Valentina. You shouldn’t-it might not be good to let Elspeth call the shots.”

“Why not?”

“She’s-clever. Her ideas have other ideas hiding inside them.”

“She’s been really nice to me.”

Robert shook his head. “Elspeth isn’t nice. Even when she was alive she wasn’t very-she was witty and beautiful and fantastically original in- certain ways, but now that she’s dead she seems to have lost some essential quality-compassion, or empathy, some human thing-I don’t think you should trust her, Valentina.”

“But you trust her.”

“Only because I’m a fool.”

They rode the rest of the way home in silence.

Robert offered Valentina his own bed to sleep in, because she wouldn’t go upstairs. He waited for her to fall asleep, then went up and knocked on the twins’ door. Julia opened it immediately.

“Come in,” she said. He stood in the front hall; he didn’t want to sit down and risk a long conversation.

“She’s in my flat, sleeping,” he said.

“Okay.”

“Julia,” he said, “has Valentina ever seemed-suicidal-to you?”

Julia said quickly, “She doesn’t mean it.”

Robert turned to go. “I think she might. Just-be careful.” He went downstairs. As he reached his own door he heard Julia closing hers.

He let himself in and went to the phone. It would be almost seven o’clock in Lake Forest. He imagined the Pooles eating dinner together, pleasantly unaware that their daughter was plotting her own death and resurrection. He had picked up the receiver and was about to dial when he realised he didn’t have the phone number. Could he ask Julia? Better not; he would get the number from Roche in the morning.