Halo

He didn’t argue. I spied a newspaper on the coffee table, tore off a corner, and handed it to him.

“I might need a pen,” he said.

I found one marking the place in a leather-bound book one of my siblings had been reading. Xavier scribbled some digits, and I pocketed the slip just in time to give Gabriel and Ivy a beatific smile as they walked in, carrying a tray of mugs.

I walked Xavier to the front door, where his eyes lingered a moment on what I was wearing. The intensity had gone from his face and his characteristic half-smile had returned.

“By the way, nice jammies,” he said and continued to look at me with an expression of curiosity. I found myself unable to wrench my gaze away. It would be easy, I thought, to look at his face all day and not get bored. Humans were supposed to have physical flaws but Xavier didn’t seem to. I took in his features — his mouth shaped like an archer’s bow, his smooth skin, the dimple in his chin — and struggled to believe he was real. He was wearing a casual shirt under the jacket, and I saw around his neck a silver cross threaded onto a leather cord that I hadn’t noticed earlier.

“I’m glad you like them,” I said, feeling more confident.

He laughed, and it sounded just like the peals of a church bell.

Gabriel and Ivy tried hard to play down the alarm they must have felt when I informed them of my intention to see Xavier the following weekend.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” asked Gabriel.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” I challenged. I was relishing the idea of making my own decisions, and I didn’t appreciate my independence being taken away from me so quickly.

“Bethany, please consider the repercussions of such an action.” Ivy spoke calmly, but she was frowning and a rare look of apprehension had come over her face.

“There’s nothing to consider. You two always overreact.” I wasn’t convinced myself by my breezy argument but refused to accept there was reason for caution. “What’s the problem?”

“Only that dating is not and never was part of our assignment.” Gabriel’s voice was cutting and his gaze steely. I knew I was only fueling his doubts about my suitability for this mission. I was so susceptible to human whims and fantasies. A voice at the back of my mind told me I should take a step back and reflect — accept that a liaison with Xavier was dangerous and selfish given the circumstances. But there was a louder voice that drowned out all other thought, and it demanded to see him again.

“Perhaps keeping a low profile for a little while would be wiser,” Ivy suggested less harshly. “Why don’t we collaborate on some ideas designed to raise social awareness in the town?”

She sounded like a teacher trying to encourage enthusiasm for a school project.

“Those are your ideas, not mine.”

“They can become yours,” Ivy urged.

“I want to find my own way.”

“Let’s continue this discussion when you’re thinking more clearly,” Gabriel said.

“I won’t be treated like a child,” I snapped and turned away defiantly, clicking my tongue for Phantom to follow.

Together, we sat at the top of the stairs, me fuming and Phantom nuzzling my lap. Believing me to be out of earshot, my siblings continued the discussion in the kitchen.

“I find it difficult to believe she would jeopardize everything for a whim,” Gabriel was saying. I could hear him pacing.

“You know Bethany would never deliberately do that.” Ivy tried to defuse the situation. She hated any sort of friction between us.

“What is she doing then? Has she got any idea why we’re here? I know we must make allowances for her lack of experience, but she’s being deliberately rebellious and headstrong, and I don’t recognize her anymore. Temptation is always here to test us. We have been here only weeks and Bethany cannot find the strength to withstand the charms of a pretty boy!”

“Be patient, Gabriel. It will go much further in. ..”

“She tries my patience!” he said, but quickly collected himself. “What do you advise?”

“Put no obstacle in her path, and this will surely die a natural death; obstruct her, and it will give the situation an importance worth fighting for.”

Gabriel’s silence suggested he was weighing up the wisdom in Ivy’s words.

“In time she will come to understand that what she seeks is impossible.”

“I hope you’re right,” Gabriel said. “Do you see now why her part in this mission concerned me?”

“She does not defy us deliberately,” Ivy said.

“No, but the depth of her emotion is unnatural for one of us,” Gabriel said. “Our love for humankind is supposed to be impersonal — we love humanity, we do not form individual attachments. Bethany seems to love deeply, unconditionally — like a human.”

“So I’ve noticed,” said my sister. “Which means her love is much more powerful than ours, but also more dangerous.”

“Exactly,” said Gabriel. “Such emotion often cannot be contained — if we allow it to develop, it may soon be beyond our control.”

I didn’t wait to hear more and crept to my room, where I threw myself on my bed on the verge of tears. Such a powerful reaction surprised me, and the rush of pent-up emotion left me gasping for breath. I knew what was happening; I was embracing flesh and the feelings that came with it. It felt precarious and unsteady like being on a rickety roller coaster. I could feel the blood pulsing through my veins, the thoughts ricocheting around my head, my stomach clenching with frustration. I deeply resented being discussed as if I were nothing more than a laboratory experiment. And their implication that I was doing something wrong, not to mention their lack of faith in me, was disturbing. Why were they so determined to bar me from the human interaction I craved? And what exactly did Ivy mean by “impossible”? They were behaving as if Xavier was a suitor who didn’t meet their criteria. Who were they to sit in judgment of something that hadn’t even begun? Xavier Woods liked me. For whatever reason he saw me as worthy of his attention, and I was not about to let the paranoid fears of my family drive him away. I was amazed at my willingness to embrace my human attraction to Xavier. My feelings for him were escalating dangerously fast, and I was allowing it to happen. It should have scared me, but instead I was intrigued by the hollow ache in my chest when I thought about letting him go, the clenching of every muscle in my body when I recalled my brother’s words. What was happening to me? Was I losing my divinity? Was I becoming human?

I slept fitfully that night and had my first nightmare. I had become accustomed to the human experience of dreaming, but this was different. This time I saw myself brought before a Heavenly Tribunal, with a jury made up of faceless, heavy-robed figures. I couldn’t distinguish one from the other. Ivy and Gabriel were there, but they were looking down from a gallery. Their faces were impassive. They stared ahead and wouldn’t look at me even though I cried out to them. I was waiting for the verdict to be announced, and then I realized it had already happened. There was no one to speak for me, no one to plead my case.

The next thing I was aware of was falling. Around me, all that was familiar crumbled into dust, the columns of the courtroom, the robed figures, and finally the faces of Gabriel and Ivy. And still I fell, tumbling on an endless journey to nowhere. Then all was motionless and I was imprisoned in a void. I had dropped to my knees, my head bowed, my wings broken and bleeding. I couldn’t lift myself off the ground. The light began to fade until a suffocating darkness surrounded me, so dense that when I held my hands before my face, I couldn’t make them out. In this sepulchral world I was left alone. I saw myself as the ultimate figure of shame, an angel fallen from grace.

A shadowy figure with blurred features was approaching. At first my heart leapt with hope at the possibility that it might be Xavier come to rescue me. But any hope was dashed when I sensed instinctively that whatever it was should be feared. Despite the pain in my limbs, I crawled as far from it as possible. I tried spreading my wings but they were too damaged to comply. The figure was closer now and hovering above me. Its features materialized just enough for me to see that the smile on its face was one of ownership. There was nothing left to do but allow myself to be consumed by the shadows. This was perdition. I was lost.

By morning things seemed different, as they often do. A new feeling of stability now flooded through me.

Ivy came in to rouse me, the scent of freesias following her like handmaidens.