“Thought you could use some coffee,” she said.
“I’m developing a taste for it,” I said and sipped from the proffered cup without making a face. She sat stiffly on the edge of my bed.
“I’ve never heard Gabriel sound so angry,” I said, eager to smooth things over with her. “I’ve always thought of him as… sort of… infallible.”
“Have you ever thought that he might be under stresses of his own? If things don’t go well, he and I will assume responsibility for it.”
Her words struck me like a physical blow, and I felt the sting of tears welling.
“I don’t want to lose your good opinion.”
“You haven’t,” she reassured me. “It’s just that Gabriel wants to protect you. He wishes only to spare you from anything that might cause you pain.”
“I just can’t see how spending time with Xavier could be a bad thing. Do you really think he would hurt me?”
“Not intentionally.”
Ivy wasn’t hostile like Gabe, and when she came to take my hand, I knew she had already forgiven my transgression. But her rigid posture and the hard line of her mouth told me that her position on the matter would not change. “You must be careful not to start things you can’t continue. It wouldn’t exactly be fair, would it?”
The tears I’d been restraining came flooding then. I sat there racked with misery as Ivy put her arms around me and stroked my head.
“I’ve been stupid, haven’t I?”
I allowed the voice of reason to take over. I barely knew Xavier Woods, and I doubted he would react with a deluge of tears if he found out he couldn’t see me for whatever reason. I was behaving as if we’d sworn ourselves to each other, and suddenly it all seemed a little absurd. Maybe it was
It was within my power to forget about Xavier. The question was did I want to? There was no denying that Ivy was right. We were not of this world and had no claim to it or what it could offer. I had no right to meddle in Xavier’s life. Our role was to be messengers, harbingers of hope, and nothing more.
When Ivy had gone, I fished out Xavier’s number from my pocket where it had stayed all night. I unrolled the tight wad of paper and slowly tore it into fragments the size of confetti. I went out onto my narrow balcony and threw the fragments into the air. I watched sadly as they were carried away by the wind.
10
Rebel
Ignoring Xavier’s invitation proved easier than I expected when he wasn’t at school the whole of the following week. After making a few discreet inquiries, I discovered that he was away at rowing camp. With the danger of running into him averted, I felt more relaxed. I wasn’t sure I’d have the courage to renege on the date if he were standing right in front of me, nutmeg hair fringing those limpid blue eyes. In fact, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to say anything much at all given my past attempts at conversation.
At lunchtime I sat with Molly and her friends in the quadrangle, listening halfheartedly to their litany of complaints about school, boys, and parents. Their conversations mostly followed a set pattern, and I felt I already knew the lines by heart. Today the prom was the subject of discussion — no surprise there.
“Oh my God, there’s so much to think about,” Molly said, stretching out on the asphalt like a cat. Her friends were scattered around her, some on the garden benches, their skirts hitched up to maximize the impact of the early spring sun. I sat cross-legged beside Molly, tugging at my skirt so that it modestly covered my knees.
“Oh my God, I know!” agreed Megan Judd. She repositioned her head in Hayley’s lap and pulled her top up so that her midriff was exposed to sunlight. “Last night I started making a to-do list.” Still on her back she flipped open her school planner, emblazoned with designer labels that she’d stuck on for decoration. “Get this,” she continued, reading from a dog-eared page. “Book French manicure. Look for sexy shoes. Buy clutch. Decide on jewelry. Find celebrity hairstyle to copy. Decide between Hawaiian Sunset and Champagne spray tan. Book limo. The list goes on. ..”
“You forgot the most important thing — find dress,” said Hayley.
The others laughed at the omission.
It baffled me that they could discuss in such detail an event that was so far away, but I refrained from commenting. I doubted my input would be appreciated.
“It’s going to cost so much.” Taylah sighed. “I’m going to end up blowing my budget and spending every dollar I’ve made working at that crappy bakery.”
“I’m cashed up,” Molly said proudly. “I’ve been saving from working at the drugstore since last year.”
“My parents are paying for everything,” bragged Megan. “They’ve agreed to pay for the whole thing as long as I pass all my exams — even a party bus if we want one.”
The girls were clearly impressed.
“Whatever you do, don’t screw up any exams,” Molly said.
“Hey, she’s not a miracle worker.” Hayley laughed.
“Does anyone have a date yet?” someone else asked.
A few of the girls did, and those in steady relationships didn’t have to worry about it. Everybody else was still desperately waiting for someone to ask them.
“I wonder if Gabriel will go,” Molly mused, turning to me. “All the teachers get invited.”
“I’m not sure,” I said. “He tends to steer clear of those sorts of things.”
“You should ask Ryan,” Hayley suggested to Molly, “before he’s taken.”
“Yeah, the good ones always go first,” Taylah agreed.
Molly looked affronted. “It’s the formal, Haylz,” she said. “The guy has to do the asking.”
Taylah snorted. “Good luck with that.”
“Molly, you’re so stupid sometimes,” Hayley sighed. “Ryan’s six-two, built, blond, and plays lacrosse. He might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but still, what are you waiting for?”
“I want him to ask me,” Molly pouted.
“Maybe he’s shy,” Megan suggested.
“Uh, have you seen him?” Taylah rolled her eyes. “I doubt he has self-esteem issues.”
A debate about floor-length gowns versus cocktail dresses followed. The conversation became so banal that I needed an escape. I mumbled something about going to the library to check if a book had come in.
“Ewww, Bethie, only losers hang out in the library,” Taylah said. “Someone might see you.”
“And we already have to spend fifth period there to finish that stupid research assignment,” Megan moaned.
“What was that about again?” Hayley asked. “Something to do with politics in the Middle East?”
“Where is the Middle East?” asked a girl named Zoe, who always wore her blond hair piled on top of her head like a crown.
“It’s a whole area near the Persian Gulf,” I said. “It spans southwest Asia.”
“I don’t think so, Bethie.” Taylah laughed. “Everybody knows the Middle East is in Africa.”
I wished I could seek out Ivy’s company, but she was busy working in town. She had joined the church group and was already recruiting members. She had made badges promoting fair trade and printed pamphlets that preached about the injustice of working conditions in the Third World. Given her goddess status within Venus Cove, the numbers at the church group were growing. The young males in the town had taken to seeking her out and buying far more badges than anyone could use in the hope of being rewarded with her phone number or even just an appreciative pat on the head. Ivy had made it her mission to play Mother Earth at Venus Cove — she wanted to bring people back to nature. I guess you could call it an environmentalist mentality — organic food, community spirit, and the power of the natural world over material things.
