be able to recover more quickly.”
“You mean I’ll be able to do it again?” I asked. “It wasn’t a fluke?”
“If you’ve done it once, you can do it again,” Gabriel answered. “All angels have the ability, but it develops with practice.”
Despite my exhaustion I felt suddenly buoyant and ate my dinner with appetite. Afterward Gabriel and Ivy refused my offer of help with the cleaning up. Instead Ivy steered me onto the deck and pushed me into the hammock.
“You’ve had a very tiring day,” she said.
“But I hate not being useful.”
“You can help me in a minute. I have a whole lot of hats and scarves to knit for the thrift shop.” Ivy always found time to connect with the community, through small earthly tasks. “Sometimes it’s the little things that count most,” she said.
“You know, the whole idea of those places is that you donate your old clothes, not make new ones,” I teased.
“Well, we haven’t been here long enough to have old things,” replied Ivy. “And I have to give them something; I’d feel just awful if I didn’t. Besides, I can whip them up in no time.”
I sat in the hammock with a mohair blanket around my shoulders, trying to process the events of the afternoon. In one way, I felt I understood the purpose of our mission better than before, but at the same time I’d never been more confused. Today had been a prime example of what I should be doing — protecting the sanctity of life. Instead I’d been spending my time absorbed in a teenage obsession with a boy who didn’t really know anything about me. Poor Xavier, I thought. He would never be able to understand me, no matter how hard he tried. It wasn’t his fault. He could only know as much as I allowed him to know. I was so busy trying to keep up my facade that I hadn’t considered that sooner or later it would all have to come undone. Xavier was tied to a human life and an existence I could never be part of. The satisfaction I felt at my success that afternoon faded, and I was left feeling strangely numb.
13
His Kiss
Sunday mass was the only time I felt I could truly reconnect with my home. Kneeling in the pews and listening to the chords of “Agnus Dei” brought me back to my former self. There was an airy tranquility inside the church that couldn’t be found anywhere else. It was cool and calm, like being at the bottom of the ocean, and I always felt that as soon as I stepped through its doors, I was in a safe place. Ivy and I were altar servers on Sunday, and Gabriel helped Father Mel in giving out Holy Communion. After the service, we always stayed behind to chat with him.
“The congregation is growing,” he observed one day. “Every week, I see new faces.”
“Maybe people are starting to realize what’s important in life,” Ivy said.
“Or maybe they are following your example.” Father Mel smiled.
“The Church should need no advocates,” Gabriel said. “It should speak for itself.”
“It doesn’t matter what brings people here,” said Father Mel. “It only matters what they find here.”
“All we can do is lead them in the right direction,” Ivy agreed.
“Indeed, we cannot force them to have faith,” Father Mel said. “But we can demonstrate its great power.”
“And we can pray for them,” I said.
“Of course,” Father Mel winked at me. “And something tells me the Lord will listen when you call.”
“He listens to us no more than to others,” Gabriel said. I could tell he was concerned about giving away too much. Although we’d never so much as hinted to Father Mel about where we came from, there was a tacit understanding between us. It was only natural, I thought. He was a priest — he spent all his time trying to connect with the forces above. “We can only hope that He will bless this town,” Gabriel added.
Father Mel’s blue eyes flickered over us all. “I believe He already has.”
The next day Xavier had a sports meeting at morning break, so I spent the time listening to Molly and Taylah talk animatedly about a clothing outlet just out of town. There they could buy fake designer labels that looked so authentic no one would guess they weren’t the “real deal.” When they asked me to go with them, I was so preoccupied that I agreed without hesitation. Even when they invited me to a beach bonfire that Saturday night, I nodded my consent without really registering the details of the invitation.
I was glad when fifth period finally came around and Xavier and I had French together. I felt a rush of relief to be in the same room as him even though I could barely focus. I desperately needed to talk to him now, even if I hadn’t decided what I was going to say. I just knew that it couldn’t wait.
He was less than a handsbreadth away, and I had to sit on my fingers to keep them from reaching out and touching him. Partly because I wanted to reassure myself that I hadn’t imagined him but also because it felt as if we were two magnets drawn to each other; resisting was more painful than succumbing. The minutes crawled by, and it seemed as if time had slowed deliberately just to spite me.
Xavier sensed my strange mood and stayed seated after the bell, watching everyone else file past. While I put on a charade of packing up my books and pencils, he sat very still without fidgeting. A few curious onlookers cast glances in our direction, probably hoping to pick up some threads of the conversation that they might report back to their friends as juicy gossip.
“I tried to call you last night but there was no answer,” he said, seeing that I was struggling to start. “I was worried about you.”
I fiddled nervously with the zipper of my pencil case, which seemed to be jammed. I must have looked uncomfortable because Xavier stood up and put his hands on my shoulders.
“What’s up, Beth?” There was a familiar crease between his eyebrows, which always appeared when he was concerned.
“I guess yesterday’s accident just drained me,” I said. “But I’m better now.”
“That’s good. But something tells me there’s more.”
Even in the short time I’d known him, Xavier was always able to read my moods, yet his own eyes betrayed nothing of what he might be feeling. He didn’t look away; his turquoise gaze was like a laser boring into me.
“My life is pretty complicated,” I began tentatively.
“Why don’t you try explaining it? I might surprise you.”
“This situation,” I said, “you and I spending time together, it’s turning out to be harder than I thought. ..” I paused. “It’s better than I ever imagined, but I have other responsibilities, other duties that I can’t ignore.”
My voice rose in volume and pitch as I felt a wave of emotion explode in my chest. I stopped and took a deep breath.
“It’s okay, Beth,” Xavier said. “I know you have a secret.”
I felt a sudden icy fear take hold of me, but at the same time a flooding relief. If Xavier already knew I was a fraud and a liar, it meant I’d failed completely in all aspects of our mission. Rule number one for all Agents of Light was to keep our identity a secret as we worked to piece the world back together — exposure could result in all kinds of chaos. But then again, it could also mean that Xavier had chosen to accept me anyway and the truth might not drive him away.
“You do?” I whispered.
He shrugged. “It’s obvious you’re hiding something. I don’t know what it is, but I know it’s upsetting you.”
I didn’t answer immediately. More than anything I wanted to tell him everything, to let all my secrets and fears pour out like wine from a spilled bottle, staining everything in their path.
“I understand that for one reason or another you can’t or won’t talk about it,” Xavier said. “But you don’t have to. I can respect your privacy.”
“That’s not fair to you,” I said, feeling more torn than ever. The idea of walking away from him left a physical
