pain in my chest, like my heart was slowly breaking in two.
“Isn’t that for me to decide?”
“Don’t make this harder. I’m trying to protect you!”
“Protect me?” Xavier laughed. “From what?”
“From me,” I said quietly, realizing how ridiculous that must sound.
“You don’t look very dangerous to me. Unless you turn into a werewolf at night. ..”
“I’m just not what I seem.” I shrank away from him, as if trying to hide myself from the truth. My whole body felt weak and drained of energy. I sagged against a wall, unable to meet his gaze.
“No one is. Look, you think I haven’t figured out there’s something different about you? All I have to do is look at you.”
“What is it?” I asked curiously.
“I’m not sure,” he said. “But I know it’s what I like about you.”
“What I’m trying to tell you is that just because you like me doesn’t make me what you want or need.”
“What do you think I need?”
“Someone you can have an honest relationship with. What’s the point otherwise?”
“Are you trying to tell me that person can’t be you?” Xavier’s expression was unreadable. His face appeared completely impassive — wiped of all emotion. I supposed that after everything he’d been through, he wasn’t the type to wear his heart on his sleeve.
I knew he was trying to make it easier for me, but the bluntness of his question had the opposite effect. Now that the idea was out in the open, it sounded far too final. I was still struggling to find the right words, and I worried that my silence might come across as indifference.
“It’s okay,” Xavier continued. “I know it can’t be easy for you, and I don’t want to make things harder. Would it be helpful if I kept my distance for a while?”
How fickle and contradictory were human emotions! I’d spent the last few minutes trying to suggest this very idea but now found myself devastated by his readiness to walk away, even if his motivation was my well-being. I wasn’t sure what reaction I’d expected, but this wasn’t it. Did I want to see him drop to his knees and declare his undying love? Of course he wasn’t going to do that, but I couldn’t let him walk away. I didn’t think I’d be able to stand it.
“So that’s it then?” I choked out. “I won’t see you anymore?”
Xavier looked confused. “Hang on — isn’t that what you want?”
“Is that
“Do you want me to try and change your mind?” His quizzical, affectionate smile was back.
I paused to think. I knew what I should say. A simple no would end it all and return things to how they’d been before the moment we met in the corridor outside the chemistry lab, when I’d been trying to avoid glowing in the dark. But I couldn’t bring myself to say it. It would be a lie.
“Maybe that’s exactly what I want you to do,” I said slowly.
“Beth, it sounds to me like you don’t know what you want,” Xavier said softly. He reached up and used his thumb to wipe away a tear that was snaking its way down my cheek.
“I don’t want to complicate your life,” I sniffed, realizing how irrational I must be sounding. “You’re the one who said you preferred things to be clear-cut.”
“I was talking about subjects, not people. Maybe I wouldn’t mind a bit of complication,” he said. “Straightforward relationships are overrated.”
I groaned in frustration. “You really do have an answer for everything.”
“What can I say? It’s a gift.” He took my hand between both of his. “I have an idea. How about I give you something to help make the decision easier?”
“Okay,” I agreed. “If you think it’ll help.”
Before I knew what was happening, Xavier had brought his hands up to my face and was tilting my chin toward him. His lips brushed over mine with a feather touch, but it was enough to make me shiver. I liked the way he held me; as if I were fragile and likely to break if he held too tight. He rested his forehead against mine as though we had all the time in the world. A delicious heat started to spread through my body, and I strained toward him, reaching for his lips again. I returned his kiss with passionate urgency and clung to him. I allowed myself to melt into his embrace and pressed our bodies together. His warmth was seeping through my flimsy shirt, and I could feel his heart beating fast.
“Easy, now,” he murmured into my ear, but he didn’t break away. We stood locked in our embrace until Xavier gently but firmly detached himself. He tucked a stray lock of hair behind my ear and gave his dreamy half- smile. “Well?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest. My mind was a blur.
“Well what?”
“Did that help you make up your mind?”
By way of an answer, I twisted my fingers into his soft nut-brown hair and pulled him toward me.
“I guess it did,” he said with undisguised pleasure.
That day taught me that I wanted more than his company; I craved his touch. There wasn’t a doubt left in my mind. I could feel my face burning where he had touched me, and all I wanted was for him to do it again. Just hours earlier I had truly believed there was no option but to cut myself off from him because I could see no way to make him understand who I really was. Now I saw that there was another way. It would be seen as a serious transgression and punishable by who knew what, but it felt less frightening than parting from him. If it meant sparing us the pain of separation, I would face the consequences.
All that was required of me was to let down my guard and let Xavier in.
“I want us to be together,” I said. “I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more.”
Xavier stroked my palm and entwined our fingers. His face was so close the tips of our noses were touching. He leaned in to whisper in my ear. “If you want me… you’ve got me.”
I couldn’t stop myself from sighing aloud as he kissed a path from my ear down to my neck. The physical surroundings of the classroom melted like snow in the sun.
“There’s just one thing,” I said, pushing him away with some difficulty. He was watching me with those piercing blue eyes, and I almost lost my train of thought. “This isn’t going to work unless you know the truth.” If I cared about Xavier as much as my beating heart told me I did then he deserved the truth. If it turned out that the truth was too much for him to deal with, then maybe it meant my feelings weren’t returned and I would have to accept that. Either way it was time for the charade to end. Xavier had to see the uncensored version of me; not the idealized version in his head. In other words, he had to know me, warts and all.
“I’m all ears,” he said looking at me expectantly.
“Not now. This isn’t going to be easy, and I need more space than we’ve got here.”
“Then where?” he asked, mystified.
“Are you going to the beach bonfire this weekend?” I asked quickly as students began to drift in for the next class.
“I was going to ask if you wanted to go together.”
“Okay,” I agreed. “I’ll tell you everything then.”
Xavier kissed me swiftly and left the classroom. I gripped the edge of the nearest desk feeling short of breath, as though I’d just run a marathon.
14
Defying Gravity
All week long the beach bonfire loomed in my mind. What I planned to do terrified me, but I was also strangely excited. Once the decision was made, it felt as though a great weight had lifted from my mind. After all the time I’d spent in internal debate, I now felt surprisingly sure of myself. In my head I rehearsed over and over the words I would use to tell Xavier the truth, making subtle adjustments each time.
