The Meaning of Night

days until I too am called. In her letters L had seemed distracted and wildered of late, and I had begun to fear for her mind. But Miss E says the end was peaceful, with no preceding agonies, for which comfort I thank God. I had not seen her since she came here with the box for little E and to tell me what arrangements she had prepared for the time he should go to school. She was much changed, and I almost wept to see her thin face and hands. I remember E was playing at her feet all the time she was here, and oh! the pitiful look in her sweet eyes! He is such a fine, spirited young fellow, any mother would be proud of him. But she knew he would never know her, or that she had given him life, and it was a deadly pain to her. I marvelled at the persistence of her will, and told her so; for even at that moment, if she had been resolved at last to undo all that had been done, I would have surrendered him, though I love him like my own. But L was as fixed in her determination, though by now dreadfully oppressed by it, as she had been when she first recruited me to her cause, and I saw that nothing would ever move her. ‘He is yours now,’ she said softly before she left, and I wept to hear it. If she had been unfaithful to her marriage vows, then the case would perhaps be a little less dreadful. But he was lawfully conceived, and his father must now live out his days in ignorance of his son’s existence. She came to feel most keenly the wrong that she has done him; but nothing would persuade her to undo that wrong. Such is the curse of a passionate nature.We embraced and I walked with her up the path to where her carriage was waiting, with Miss E inside, beneath the chestnut-tree by the gate. I watched them descend the hill from the cliff-top to the village. Almost at the bottom, just as the carriage was turning through the bend in the road, a limp black-gloved hand appeared out of the window and waved a forlorn farewell. I shall never see that hand again. I go now to pray for her soul, that she may find, in eternity, the peace that her restless and impetuous heart was denied on this earth.

‘Miss E’ had been mentioned before, but I gave no thought to her; for it had quickly become apparent that references to ‘L’ began to decrease in succeeding entries until, in April 1824, they ceased altogether. There could be no doubt: Laura Duport, Lady Tansor, was ‘L’.

Yet solving this little puzzle had revealed an altogether greater mystery, the core of which seemed to be alluded to in this extraordinary passage, which fairly floored me when I first read it. I will not weary you further with how I came, by dint of much labour, to understand the implications of what my mother had written, and the identity of the person referred to as ‘little E’. When I did, finally, fit the last fragment of the truth into place, what did I feel? A hideous sense of desolation. An agony too deep for tears. I sat – for how long? An hour? Two hours? – staring out of the window towards the chestnut-tree by the gate, and beyond towards the restless sea. At last, with darkness falling, I rose and made my way down to the beach, where I stood at the water’s edge, and wept until I could weep no more.

Miss Lamb had never existed, other than as a name assumed by Lady Tansor when she visited us – my mother, and I. Now I knew why the lady in grey had looked upon me with such sadness as I had sat and played at her feet; why she had stroked my cheek so tenderly; why she had given me the box of sovereigns on my twelfth birthday; and why I had been sent to Eton at her behest. She had done these things because she was the woman who had given me life. Lady Tansor was my mother.

‘He is yours now.’ Disbelief quickly changed to angry incomprehension. Riddle me this: the mother I had loved was not my mother; my real mother had abandoned me; and yet it seemed that both had loved me. Whose child, then, was I? How my head ached in trying to disentangle it all!

The bare bones of the plot, at least, were now clear to me: my mother and her friend, Laura Tansor, who was in the early stages of pregnancy, had gone to France together; I had been born there, and had been brought back to England as the son of Simona Glyver, not of Lady Tansor. But the motives and passions that lay behind this simple sequence of events were still hidden from me, in an unknown number of secret places. How could they now be brought into the light?

Towards her who had sat on my bed every night as a child, who had walked with me on the cliff-top to watch the sun setting, and who had been the axis on which my little world had revolved, I felt both bitterness and pity: bitterness for keeping the truth from me; pity for what she must have suffered to maintain her friend’s secret. Her actions had been a kind of betrayal, for which I must censure her; and yet what better mother could I have had?

There was still so much to discover, but, slowly, I came to an acceptance: I was not the son of Captain and Mrs Edward Glyver. My blood was not theirs. It connected me instead to other places and times, and to another name – an ancient and distinguished name. I had nothing of the man I had thought was my father in me, nothing of the woman I had called my mother. The eyes that were reflected in my mirror on rising every day were not her eyes, as I had always liked to think. But whose were they? Whom did I resemble – my real father, my real mother, or my dead brother? Who was I?

The questions went round and round in my head, day and night. I would wake from fitful sleep in a state of extreme agitation, as if the ground had been cut away from under my feet and I was falling through infinite space. I would then get up and wander the silent house, sometimes for hours on end, trying to repudiate this dreadful feeling of abandonment. But I could not. I did not belong here, in this place I had previously called home, where the past no longer seemed to hold any meaning.

Little by little, I began to examine my situation with a clearer and cooler eye. I did not know yet why this thing had been done – that knowledge would only come later, and gradually; but if what I had deduced from my mother’s journals were true, then a simple fact, of extraordinary consequence, would follow: I was the heir, lawfully conceived, to one of the most ancient and powerful families in England.

It seemed absurd. Surely there must be some other explanation? But, after returning again and again to the journals, I could reach no other conclusion. Yet what use was the knowledge that I was convinced I now possessed? Who else would believe that what my mother – I still could not call her by any other name – had written was the honest truth, and not some fantastic fiction? Even if believed, how could it be proved? Unsubstantiated imputations, uncorroborated possibilities – nothing more. Such, surely, would be the immediate verdict if I went to law. But where was the substantiation? Where the corroboration? The questions began to multiply once more, hammering insistently in my brain until I thought I would go quite mad.

I looked again at the synoptic account of the Tansor peerage in Burke’s Dictionary. Four densely packed columns contained the names and pedigrees of people of whom I had never before heard, but who I must now call my ancestors. Maldwin Duport, the 1st Baron Tansor, summoned to Parliament in 1264; Edmund Duport, the 7th Baron, made an Earl under Henry IV, but who died without issue; Humfrey Duport, the 10th Baron, attainted and executed for treason in 1461; Charles Duport, the 20th Baron, who turned Papist and went into exile with James II;^* and then my nearer relatives – William Duport, the 23rd Baron and founder of the great Library at Evenwood; and at last my father, Julius Duport, the 25th Baron, who had succeeded to the title because of the death of his older brother; and my own deceased brother, Henry Hereward. I began to fill a note- book with their names, the dates of their births and deaths, and with every fact concerning their lives that I could glean from Burke, or from other authorities to which I then had access.

How strange it was, how infinitely strange, to consider myself as a member of this ancient line! But would I ever be given a place in some future epitome? Would a curious heraldic scholar, a hundred years hence, look into Burke and read of Edward Charles Duport, born on the 9th of March 1820, in Rennes, Ille-et-Vilaine, France? Only if I could find some source of unequivocal and incontrovertible proof to supplement the indirect and oblique testimony of my mother’s journals. Only then.Concluding the entry in Burke were the following notes on the Tansor peerage:Creation—By writ of summons, 49 HEN. III, 14 Dec., 1264. Arms—Quarterly, 1st and 4th Or three piles