“Marry me! Benny, you know I’m married.”
“I know we can’t marry technical y, though I think there’s a possibility you’d qualify for divorce based on desertion—I don’t know what the rules are. I asked around, but no one seems to know. But even if we can’t marry technical y, we can live as if we’re married. And we can have children.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I was sorry for Benny, but at the same time I was a lit le suspicious of his motives. I thought he might be trying to get back at Miriam; maybe he wanted to even things out so he wouldn’t be so tormented by her new relationship.
“I love you, Dana. I can’t stop thinking about you. I come into this at while you’re away, I look at everything, and I feel I’m losing my mind. I watch you while you’re sleeping, I’ve even stroked your hair, I know it’s wrong but I couldn’t help myself. I feel I’l explode if I can’t have you. There are a mil ion obstacles, and I keep tel ing myself over and over that it’s impossible. First, your politics. My family would just go through the roof if they found out. And knowing you, they’d nd out in the rst ve minutes of meeting you, you’re not the type to keep that sort of thing to yourself. But on the other hand, I’m over forty, I no longer have to listen to my parents. I’m a big boy, I can do what I want. They’d get used to it, and if they didn’t, tough. Then there’s the problem of children. If I can’t marry you, they’d be il egitimate. That would be real y hard in this country. But we could look into it, we could see whether there’s a way for you to get a divorce. I think you qualify, someone told me that after a certain amount of time if the husband is missing you qualify, I’m not sure. I don’t have a lot of money, this divorce and the war have destroyed me. So there are lots of problems, but on the other hand, I’m just going insane. If you say no, I don’t know what I’l do. I feel you like me, but I don’t know. Everything depends on you, of course. But maybe even if you don’t feel you’re ready to decide, you could give me a chance. Get to know me, give me a chance to prove myself.”
I was a lit le stunned by this speech, though I tried not to show it. My dreams about Benny crouching by the side of my bed had not been an invention after al ; he had real y been there. I couldn’t help being moved. “I like you, Benny, but don’t you think this is just about Miriam? Maybe you’re just trying to get away from her.”
“If you said yes, I swear to you I’d never let her into this building again, ever. It would be completely over, completely. I hate her anyhow, it wouldn’t be any ef ort. If that’s what’s bothering you, don’t even think about it.”
“Benny, I can’t marry you for a mil ion reasons.”
He looked very downcast when I said that.
“It’s nothing to do with you personal y. I love my husband, and I know I’m going to see him one day. In fact I’m get ing closer to nding out where he is, I’ve never been this close.”
“You can’t waste your life like this, Dana. You’re going to be thirty-eight, this is your last chance to have a child. Time doesn’t move backward. You’l be eighty years old one day and you’l look back and you won’t believe you missed the opportunity to have a life with someone, and a family. If we hurry, we could have two children, even. You said you always wanted children.”
“Yes, my husband and I wanted children. We wanted a big family.”
“Wel , here’s your chance. Why not just think about it? I know I can make you very, very happy, if you’l just let me. You can’t imagine how much I love you.”
“Benny, just last week you were tel ing me you were in love with Miriam.”
“No, I said I had a craving for her. It’s pure lust, that’s al it is. And it would disappear altogether if it had another outlet.”
I didn’t say anything. We sat in dejected silence like two captured spies waiting for interrogation. I picked at the borekas and Benny poured himself more wine.
“Do you have someone else?” Benny final y asked.
“No.”
“I mean, do you sleep with other people?”
“Not real y. Beatrice comes over now and then, that doesn’t real y count.”
“That woman with the curly red hair?”
“Yes.”
“So, what, I don’t get it—are you a lesbian?”
“No, she’s just a friend. It’s casual.”
“I noticed she was staying here nights, but I thought maybe she just didn’t have a place to stay in the city.”
“She lives near the university. She’s real y busy, but she likes to drop by sometimes.”
“Who else?”
“That’s it, Benny, no one else. Even though, real y, it’s none of your business, you know.”
“What about that doctor guy?”
I shook my head.
“So there’s no one.”
“No. Just my husband.”
“What about that new guy I’ve seen around here?”
“How come everyone watches who comes and goes out of my apartment? What is it with you people?”
“I just happened to run into him as he was leaving, that’s al . And it was late at night, so you can’t blame me for wondering. But I don’t mean to interfere. I was coming back from work, that’s al . Don’t get al excited.”
