“It was hard, but I was in the army—I didn’t have time to be sad. I felt guilty, mostly. I wished I’d been nicer to her, more supportive. I wished I hadn’t worried her so much.”
“This is going to end, between us,” I said. “It’s going to end as soon as Daniel comes back.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not free either.”
“We’l just enjoy the time we have together, and we’l remember it as something short and sweet that we had together, is that al right?
Daniel won’t mind. I was loyal to him for eleven years, he won’t mind if I loved someone for a few days right at the end. I won’t tel him, so as not to hurt him, but I think if he knew he’d forgive me.”
“I think you’re right. I think he won’t mind. I’m sure he wants you to be happy.”
“Thank you. Maybe one day I’l tel him, maybe not, it depends on whether I think it would hurt him or not.”
“You’l feel what’s right. You don’t have to plan it.”
“Graciela hasn’t asked about me?”
“No, but I think she knows.”
“I’m sure she hates me!”
“I told you, she’s much too preoccupied to hate you or me or anyone else.”
“Why is she like that? So closed?”
“I don’t know. I was supposed to study psychology, that’s what I had a scholarship for, and maybe if I’d gone through with it I’d know. But as it is, I don’t know.”
“Maybe something happened when she was young.”
“Almost certainly something happened when she was young.”
“On the other hand, musical genius is often accompanied by eccentricity, maybe it’s physiological.”
“I don’t think so,” he said. “Not in her case. But who knows? I think supper’s almost ready, I’l go take a peek.”
“I don’t think so,” he said. “Not in her case. But who knows? I think supper’s almost ready, I’l go take a peek.”
“It smel s great.”
“I’l be glad if it’s edible. How can you live without cooking?”
We sat down to eat, and Rafi had a glass of Benny’s wine.
In the middle of the meal I pushed my plate away. “I can’t eat this. I can’t eat this. This is al wrong. You shouldn’t be here. I want you to go.”“Can I finish my food first?”
“No. Yes. Oh God, what a horrible day!” I said. “What a horrible day. The two boys on the video, crumpling on the street over and over, the screen was so white, they were nothing, just alive and then dead on the street, nothing, just dark gures on the screen and their mother had to leave the room and their sister was crying in the corner and sucking her nger and pul ing her hair, just pul ing her hair out of sheer stress, the whole place is like a ghost town and there’s no water, shit in some corner, soldiers with faces like stone, we don’t even deserve this stupid country anymore, we don’t deserve it! Then you come here and make dinner, you come here and ruin everything and now I have to lie to Daniel. And Benny saw you leaving and every time I see him he’s going to look at me and he thinks he wants me and I’m never going to see Vronsky again, and last night I thought I heard a mouse in the wal s— can’t you see, can’t you see what a mess you’re making of everything?”
“This rice thing actual y came out bet er than I thought,” Rafi said, helping himself to another serving.
“I had another dream about you,” I said. “It was very strange. It was the end of days, there was hardly anyone left on the planet. Some people were standing around a huge cauldron, stirring it. It was hard to get food, and they were waiting impatiently for the food in the cauldron to be ready, even though I knew there wasn’t much in there, mostly grass and herbs and dandelions. Then you came and you were carrying a dead rabbit, covered with ants, and I was horri ed but al the others were so happy, and they threw the rabbit into the cauldron and they crowned you.”
“They crowned me? How?”
“I can’t remember. Just some crown they had.”
“You know, there’s a game I play with my after-school kids, they real y love it. We play it al the time, they have a blast.”
“What sort of game?”
“I can show you if you want.”
“Yes, I’m curious.”
“Let’s finish supper first.”
I had lost my appetite, but Ra more than made up for it. He nished everything in the pot. We cleared the counter and left the dishes in the sink.
“Do you have any kerchiefs?”
“No.”
