If I Die

“I just need her back, for one day. This is my last chance to make that happen.” Nash pulled her out of the way and pushed me closer to the car. “Get in,” he ordered, and the pain in his voice almost rivaled the Influence.

But by then I understood. This was wrong, and I should fight it.

I watched him through my own tears, struggling to keep my legs locked. To stay standing. “If you ever loved me, you won’t do this…” I whispered, with all the volume I could manage.

“I do love you. Everything’s going to be fine, I promise. Now get in the car.”

“She doesn’t want to go with you!” Sabine pulled him away from me, but he jerked free of her hold.

“Yes she does. Ask her.” And he was right. I wanted to go wherever he wanted to take me, and that fact scared me so badly I could hardly breathe, because I knew I shouldn’t want to. “Sit, Kaylee.”

My legs gave out and I fell onto my own passenger seat, as the first tear trailed down my cheek.

He tried to close the door, but Sabine held it open. “Nash, don’t make me do this…”

“Get out of the way. You know I’d never hurt her. I just want to talk to her,” he said, face flushed with irritation, irises swirling in an uneven, complicated mix of grief and determination.

“That is hurting her.” Sabine punched him in the stomach, and he doubled over from the blow. And suddenly I was free.

While he coughed, I sucked in a deep, clean breath and stood on shaky legs, tears falling steadily now, backing away from him in horror.

“Thank you,” I whispered to Sabine, and I realized from the bruised look in her eyes that she was hurting, too. Maybe more than I was.

“Just go away, Kaylee.” She handed me my keys and slid one arm around Nash to hold him up. “You did this to him, and the sooner he’s over you, the better off we’ll all be.”

The ache in my chest was a steady throb of guilt, and fear, and worry. I slammed my open door, and backed away from them both, then around the car. “Are you sure you can handle him?” I asked as I sank into the driver’s seat.

“Yeah. I’m stronger than you are. And I know how to work off misplaced aggression.”

The truth of both statements pissed me off, but I wasn’t going to argue. “Keep him away from me. And keep him clean.” Then I started the car and drove out of the lot, fighting more tears.

I texted Emma to tell her I was going home, and that she should stay away from Nash for a while, and that I’d call her after school to explain. Then I took several deep breaths and called Harmony from the road.

“Kaylee?” Harmony said into my ear, her voice still groggy from sleep. And I burst into tears.

“Kaylee, what’s wrong?” Bed springs creaked, and she sounded more awake. “What happened?”

The road blurred beneath my tears, so I pulled into the nearest parking lot and turned off the engine. “Remember when you told me to watch out for bean sidhe brothers?”

“Yes…” She sounded both relieved and wary to realize my call had nothing to do with my impending death, and everything to do with her sons’ hearts.

“I didn’t watch out well enough.”

Harmony’s sigh seemed to carry the weight of the world. “Does this have something to do with why Nash and Sabine were drinking last night?”

“Yes. But it’s so much worse now. And I’m so sorry for what I did, and now everything’s messed up.” And telling Harmony was almost as hard as telling Nash, because she was the closest thing I had to a mom, but she was their mother, and I’d torn her real family apart.

“Okay, calm down and tell me what happened. Where are you? Do you need me to come get you?”

“No, you have to go get Nash. You have to help him.”

“Why? What happened to Nash?” She was on her feet now—I could hear the floorboard creak over the line, between my own ragged, tear-choked breaths.

“I kissed Tod, and Nash saw it, and we broke up. But then he came to school today and wanted to get back together, but he’s high on frost and he’s out of control. He tried to make me leave with him, and Sabine had to hit him, and everything is so messed up, and I don’t know how to fix it.”

Harmony took a deep breath, and I envied her ability to simply institute calm whenever she needed it. If I were going to grow up, I’d want to be just like her. “Is Nash still with Sabine?”

“Yeah. They’re in the school parking lot.”

“Okay, I’m going to let you go so I can call her and see about Nash.”

“Okay.” I sniffled one more time, then wiped my face with the tail of my shirt. “Harmony, I’m so sorry.”

“So am I, sweetie. I’m sorry for all of us.”

She hung up, and I took several more deep breaths to make sure I wouldn’t sound like I’d been crying. Then I called Tod from the road. He answered on the first ring.

“Hey, shouldn’t you be in class?”

“No. Definitely not. Can you come over?” I would have asked him to bring pizza, but it was only nine-thirty in the morning, and the pizza place didn’t open till eleven.

“I’ll meet you at your house.” But, of course, he was already waiting on the porch when I got there.

Inside, I pulled him close for a hug I never wanted to end. He felt good, his shoulder solid beneath my cheek, his arms around me, hands clasped at the base of my spine. Tod felt strong, and warm, and wonderful, and I wanted to hold him—to be held by him—for the rest of what little life I had left. “I really needed that,” I said, staring up at him when I finally let go. “I might need another one.”

“I live to serve. Except for the part about living…” He leaned in for another hug, but stopped with one good look into my eyes. “What’s wrong?”

Instead of answering, I tugged him toward the couch, then pulled him down next to me.

“Kaylee, what happened?”

“I talked to Nash at school today, and it didn’t go so well.”

“Not so well, meaning…?”

“He was high. And upset. I had to tell him about us, and that made it worse.”

“Damn it.” Tod let his head fall against the back of the couch. But he didn’t look surprised.

“You knew he was using again?”

He sat up when I twisted to sit cross-legged facing him, with my spine against the arm of the couch. “Um… yeah. I caught him with a full balloon last night. Don’t worry, though. I popped it.”

Which was why Sabine hadn’t been able to find it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I knew you’d blame yourself.” He shrugged, like keeping something that important from me was okay.

“Yeah. Because it’s my fault!”

“No.” Tod took my hand and intertwined his fingers with mine. “Kaylee, no one feels worse about what Nash is going through than I do. I don’t regret a single second I’ve spent with you, but I regret how we got here, and I hate that us being together makes my brother miserable. But you aren’t responsible for how he reacts to pain and anger, and this isn’t the last time he’ll have to face either of those. Nash makes his own decisions, and you can’t blame yourself for how he’s chosen to cope with this.”

“But—”

He cut off my protest with a kiss that lingered, and deepened, and ended with a satisfied sound from deep in his throat as he leaned his forehead against mine.

“Cute.” I couldn’t resist a small smile, but it faded almost immediately. “Seriously, though, he saw us together, and now he’s high and miserable. We’re the reason he started using again.”

“No.” Tod shook his head, and that stray curl fell over his brow. “We’re the reason he’s upset enough to want to get high. But Kaylee, it’s not like a balloon full of Demon’s Breath just appeared in his hands, and you certainly didn’t give it to him. He made a conscious decision and an active effort to go find one.”

“How? Where would he get Demon’s Breath, if he can’t cross over? How would Avari even get it into our world?”

“Where there’s demand, there will always be someone willing to supply. There are a hundred different ways Avari could be off-loading his product. Assuming it’s even him.” Tod rubbed his forehead. “The only supplier I know of specifically is the balloon animal guy who hangs out near the zoo. His black balloons aren’t for kids. But I know how to take care of him.”