Fetal Bait Apocalypse: 3 Collections in 1

feet long, its disc made of pure copper. The clock’s face is five feet across, and the Roman numerals are each eighteen inches tall. The present bellhops are quite happy that in the year 2000, a new endless rewind mechanism was installed. Before that, a bellhop had to carefully step out on that vertigo-inducing scaffolding three stories above us in order to wind the clock…”

From Inn housekeeper Andrea Anderson’s statement:

“Oh, the wire. Right. He said it was for some effect he wanted to try. Loop it up and around the hem of the dress to prop it off the floor? Make it look like the dress was floating off the ground? It didn’t really work out. Besides, with the dress lifted up, you could see my hiking boots and calves, although I guess if the guy knows Photoshop, he could’ve just taken care of it that way. But so is it true what I heard about what he did with the wire?”

From the Craig Vetter interview:

Vetter: That’s probably the thing I miss most; walking out on the widow’s walk up to the roof, the sun setting on the geyser field, all that steam. I always had a smoke up there. (chuckles) I guess you could say that’s the closest I’ve ever come to seeing real spirits — the way the geyser field steamed, the steam drifting up into a golden sky. Like earth spirits, or some such crap.

Paris: How poetic.

Vetter: (laughs)

Statement by Lee Bartlesby, curator of the Yellowstone National Park Archives in Gardiner, Montana, given to the National Park Service, September 6, 2008, 7:54 PM MDT:

“He came in Saturday morning asking to see an old guest register from the Inn. The year he wanted was 1908. I retrieved it for him, and left him alone with it in the research room. He seemed nice enough. When he left, I asked him if he found what he was looking for, but I guess he didn’t hear me.”

From the Craig Vetter interview:

Vetter: Besides not believing in that kind of crap, I’ve got an even better reason for not believing in the headless bride ghost of the Old Faithful Inn.

Paris: And that is?

Vetter: Because I’m the one who made the whole thing up.

Paris: You’re kidding.

Vetter: Nope. I swear to God. Ask any of the bellmen who knew me at the time, and they’d confirm it.

Paris: Why are you telling me this? Aren’t you spoiling the legend?

Vetter: Spoiling the legend? The legend’s got its own legs. Hell, anyone who really wanted the truth, I’ve told the same thing I’m telling you. But it’s out of my control, now. It’s in books, magazines. Hell, even that Travel Channel show.

Paris: You told them what you just told me?

Vetter: Sure. They didn’t give a crap. The producers had a good laugh. I bet you won’t even mention it in your article, either. Am I right? And for the record, if you want to write that I made the whole thing up, feel free. I won’t dispute it. But I’m guessing after you’ve thought about it a bit, after the concept has rattled around in your noodle a while, you’ll probably realize it wouldn’t make nearly as good copy as just going with the ghost story. A piece about you sitting in the balcony of the Old Faithful Inn, waiting for a glimpse of the ghost of the headless bride on the hundredth anniversary of her death? Much sexier than ‘former bellboy pulled a story out of his ass for larger tips.’ Am I right?

From the statement of Luverne Harding, third shift security guard, Old Faithful Inn, given to the National Park Service on September 6^th, 2008, 3:45 AM MDT:

“He was just sitting up on the third floor, staring out over the lobby with a legal pad in his hand. And he kept looking up at the clock on the fireplace. A few times I passed him, he was staring hard up there. Squinting. Like he was trying to focus on something. I glanced up there a few times myself, like I might see whatever it was he was seeing. But he was just sitting there. He wasn’t wearing that wedding dress, yet. Just a Yellowstone sweatshirt and a pair of jeans.”

From the statement of William Tancredo, overnight front desk clerk, Old Faithful Inn, given to the National Park Service on September 6^th, 2008, 4:05 AM MDT:

“God, I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it. He just — I just — out of the corner of my eye, I couldn’t even tell at first. And the sound — the sound of him hitting the floor. Christ it was bad. And then the head. And the blood. Fuck.”

From third-shift security guard Luverne Harding’s statement:

“I entered the 3^rd floor mezzanine from the west wing at approximately 2:15 AM, and saw him standing on the balcony in that — that wedding dress. Didn’t realize it was him right away, but by the time I shouted to him, and he turned to look at me, I realized it was the same guy. He had wire wrapped around his neck, and the other end was looped around the clock scaffolding. Then he jumped. His head popped right off. The wire sliced right through his neck. Won’t be able to get rid of that image for a while, I know that for sure.”

From overnight desk clerk William Tancredo’s statement:

“I saw his head. Lying right up there against the fireplace screen. His eyes were still open. Like he was watching the smoke go up the chimney. Fuck…”

From the Craig Vetter interview:

Vetter: See, John, sometimes it’s not always the ghost that makes the story. Sometimes it’s the story that makes the ghost. Know what I mean? Hey, the next round’s on me.

From Tammy Whitney’s tour speech:

“Who here has heard of the headless ghost bride of the Old Faithful Inn?”

Persistence

They keep calling. Every ten or twenty minutes, from 8 in the morning ‘til 9 at night. I know I should answer, but by now it’s the principle of the thing. Look, I know it’s a computer that dials the number, and a human only picks up when some schmuck like me answers the phone. I used to answer, tell them I’d make a payment the next day, or by the end of the week, but then they’d call again as soon as their computers indicated the payment never showed up.

I tried to hide it from Jessica as best I could. I didn’t want her to be bothered. I didn’t want her to worry. I admit, I didn’t do a very good job at that.

They always want the payment right away; they want to take your banking information right over the phone. And they’re damn insistent, but the problem is, we just don’t have the money to cover it. Or if we technically do have the money, it’s slated for other things; you know, unimportant things like food and shelter and gas so that Jessica can drive to work. Jessica has her own personal savings account, too, but it’s for the little things; a cup of coffee here, new eyeliner there. But she’s had that since high school, and even when her hands are cold and dead, God forbid, there ain’t no one who’s gonna pry it from them.