wonderful!”
“Sarah, I’m sorry.” His eyes dropped to the hay. “It is a sin. I shouldn’t. I need to stop. I know you’ll have to tell Ma…or Da.”
“No.” I swallowed hard at the thought and cradled his hand against my cheek. “I don’t want to tell.”
“But…”
“Something that feels so good can’t be a sin,” I insisted, half sitting now, back on my elbows. “It can’t possibly. I just…I understand now. Why you keep doing it, how the whole world opens up for a moment and you feel like you’re dying, or flying. I felt like I could touch God himself.”
He was staring at me, wide-eyed. “How long were you watching?”
“I’ve watched lots of times.” I lifted my chin, defiant, in spite of my flushed cheeks. “I touch myself too.”
Eli gaped. “Where?”
I hesitated before slowly placing a hand between my legs, over my long skirts. “Here.”
Puzzled, he frowned. “But you don’t have…”
“I know.” I shrugged. “But it feels good, all the same.”
His eyes brightened, still focused between my legs. My hand still rested there. “Will you… show me?”
Stunned, I stared at him for a moment, unable to breathe. The sort of sin I’d committed so far was nothing compared to what he was asking. Only babies were allowed to be naked in front of others. I looked into his eyes, saw the eagerness, the hunger there, the longing I felt too, and slowly I started to lift my skirt. His gaze followed its path, up my knee-sock covered calves, and then my bare knees. He gasped when he saw those, his eyes following the path of my skirt up my bare thighs until I had it pulled up to my waist.
Then I pressed my hand between my legs, over the heated, damp mound there, and began to rub myself. He watched, fascinated, his breath coming almost as fast as mine.
“Have you ever taken these off?” he whispered, tugging at my undergarments.
I shook my head, my heart hammering in my chest.
“Will you?” he breathed, his eyes meeting mine. What I saw there made me want to do anything, anything at all for him. “Oh Sarah, please.”
The desperation in his voice moved me and I tugged them down and off. The air over my privates was cool, and I explored with my fingers a place I had only touched through my clothes, or when I quickly washed myself on Saturdays. The sensation was incredible, so intense, my fingers growing wet as I parted the dark hair and probed in between.
“That’s so lovely,” he breathed.
“Do you like it?” I asked, glancing down at my parted thighs, the dark triangle.
He nodded, eyes transfixed, and I saw his hand rubbing his privates again through his breeches.
I rubbed the most tender spot, finding a little nub of flesh there I hadn’t felt before through my clothes. Touching it made me moan, and my breasts felt suddenly heavier. “It feels so much better without my clothes.”
“I know.” He grinned sheepishly. “I started doing it at first through my clothes too.”
“I guess it feels like less of a sin that way.” I grinned back. “Oh, Eli, it can’t be a sin…it feels so very good.”
“I know.” He swallowed hard, still watching, his hand moving to undo his breeches and reach inside. I wanted to see him too. “Sarah…” His hand reached out, hesitated. “Can I… can I touch it?”
“Can I?” My eyes dropped to where his hand was wrapped around his privates.
He startled. “Do you want to?”
I nodded, my hand out, tentative. He moved forward so I could reach, gasping when I brushed the tip with my fingers. It was a little wet there, and I rubbed that over the top, making him moan.
“Oh that’s so nice.” He groaned as I wrapped my hand around it like I’d seen him do. It was thick and pulsing, and not anything like I’d expected. I explored for a moment, curious, until I felt his fingers parting me down there, slipping through the wetness.
“Oh, Eli!” I breathed, my legs parting themselves as he explored too. It was different when he touched me, and my breath came faster. I squeezed him, tugging, making him jerk and thrust. I liked the motion.
“Rub it here,” I said, showing him the spot, and his fingers moved there, making me spread wide and thrust too. It seemed like the natural thing to do.
“I want to see you,” he whispered, not asking, just unfastening my clothes, my skirt, my blouse, and I let him. The air was cold, and he stared down at me, completely nude before him, no longer seeing me with a brother’s eyes. “Oh Sarah, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”
I glowed from the inside out, and when he leaned in and took one of my nipples into his mouth, the way I’d seen the babies do, latching on to Ma for milk, I thought the sensation would make me faint.
“More,” I whispered, my hand in his hair, arching my back. “Suck them hard.”
He groaned, burying his face there, licking and sucking, his privates swelling even larger in my hand. My whole body was on fire, his fingers probing between my legs, finding a place I had never explored and slipping inside.
“Eli!” I gasped when another entered me. He was inside-his fingers were inside of me.
“It’s how men and women join together,” he whispered against my neck, fingers moving, in and out. “It feels… it’s…”
“Oh Eli,” I moaned, rocking, tugging at him, aching for more of everything all at once. “Please, yes, please, let’s…”
He moved on top of me and I took the weight of him, the long length of his privates rubbing up against mine as we kissed. His mouth was hot, urgent, his hands buried in the length of my hair, completely down now and spread out on the hay beneath us. He rocked on top of me, rubbing that tender spot until I thought I would die, kissing my breasts, sucking my nipples, sending me flying.
“Eli, oh, oh, it’s happening,” I whispered, closing my eyes as my body took flight, shuddering involuntarily underneath him. His breath was hot in my ear as he whispered my name, shifting his hips and pressing hard. I gasped, clinging to him as he entered me, feeling my body opening to him in a bright red burst.
“Oooooooohhh!” He gasped, shivering, and I pulled him to me, the hot throb of him between my legs almost too much to bear. “Sarah, Sarah, oh you feel so good.”
“Yes,” I whispered as he rocked, thrust, shuddered. I kissed his cheeks, his chin, his neck, as he moved deeper, faster, until he gave a great, sudden cry and collapsed in my arms, trembling with the force of the explosion inside of him.
We held each other close in the hazy afternoon light coming through the slats in the barn, stunned by each other, by the world, by everything we had ever thought or believed was true.
“It’s not a sin,” I whispered, stroking his sweat-dampened hair.
“No.” He shook his head and kissed me breathless until everything faded away. Finally, nothing else mattered but me and Eli and the weight of the world was lifted.
I Need More
I’ve been staring at the clock on the wall, wishing the phone would ring. I’m in bed alone, and you’re back in your wife’s bed. I wish you would stay.
It’s killing me to be attached to a married man. I told myself it was a bad idea, and yet I let my guard down, letting you charm my pants right off. My friends told me it I should stay away from you. There’s too much pain sharing someone you love.
You share your life with her, but you run to my bed when you want passionate sex. It doesn’t have to be this way. You could come here, stay with me, and we could be happy together. I know you say it’s messy, but I’ve been hanging on for too long, and I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m so glad you’re finally back here with me. I wish you wouldn’t rush off and leave like that. We need to talk. I look into your eyes, and I want to get lost in them forever. Your kisses are deep and real, and I wonder if you share those same kisses with her. You tell me you don’t have feelings for her that way any more. I don’t know what
