performance.
The Reverend Mr. Maximilian engulfed her hand with his own sweaty palm and held on to it. 'Rev'rund Shuttleworth is mighty lucky in his flock, little lady. Red hair like that means a passionate nature. A passionate nature. I hope you are going to join us for the service?'
Quill's response was a noncommittal 'Um.'
'And these are my helpers in the Lord. Byron? Joe-Frank? This little lady owns the Inn.'
Guys a lot like Byron and Joe-Frank parked their Harley Davidsons outside the Croh Bar on Saturday nights. Joe-Frank had tattoos on his heavily muscled upper arms that said PRAISE GOD on the left and PUNISH SINNERS on the right. Byron's black leather jacket covered any tattoos he may have had, and just barely concealed a blackjack on his hip. His lack of visible skin ornamentation was made up for by the ring in his nose.
Quill nodded politely. She sat down next to Mark Anthony Jefferson, prey to misgivings.
'Fellows in Christ!' Dookie tapped a water glass with a spoon for attention. 'We are privileged to bring a unique guest to our meeting today. I would like to introduce to you my brother in Christ, the Right Reverend Mr. William Maximilian. Willy Max has come to us all the way from Newark, New Jersey, where he was administering to another church such as ours - a church in trouble.'
Dookie's eyes brightened as he warmed to his favorite topic. 'Declining attendance, scanty donations, all these things are troubling the church here at Hemlock Falls, my friends. We have brought Reverend Mr. Willy Max here to support our spiritual renewal - to help us cast out the demons of avarice and miserliness, and invite in the angels of charity and openhandedness.'
Elmer Henry cleared his throat in a marked manner. Dookie concluded rapidly, 'Ladies and gentlemen, Willy Max and the Church of Rolling Moses!' Dookie led the applause and sat down.
Willy Max rose to his feet, tucked his thumbs into the substantial flesh hanging over his cowboy belt, and surveyed the room in silence. His brow beetled. His lower lip thrust out. He scanned the crowd, one by one, until the silence was utter. Absolute. The Banquet Room became as silent as a Carmelite nunnery at lunch. 'I don't know about angels of charity,' he said slowly, 'I know about scarlet wimmin, and the Devil who sends them to torment our poor male flesh. Brothers and sisters,' intoned the minister, 'let us bow our heads and pray.'
Obediently, the congregation bowed its head as one.
'Lord? It's me here, Willy Max. Your servant. Once again, Lord, I offer praises for the light of knowledge and redemption. Like Paul on the road to Damascus, Lord, I was struck down in stone by a vision of Hell. ('Cept it was in that CPR class in Sarasota, Lord, and not on a road a' tall.) Lord, we are poor cree-turs and wicked. We have fallen into temptation and into snares....'
'Snares...' said Byron and Joe-Frank together.
'The snares of lust.' His voice rose, beefy hands clasped. 'The traps of temptation, the pits of promiscuity!' he thundered. 'There are those among us who have been plagued by visions of the Scarlet Woman of Babylon at night... is it not so, brothers and sisters?!'
'Amen,' said a few of Dookie's flock tentatively.
'There are those among us who have been inflamed by the thought of wimmin. Scarlet-lipped, rouged and scented wimmin.'
'Amen.' The chorus was swelled by several more parishioners as the plates were cleared.
Willy Max raised his hands to the ceiling. His voice slid upward like the tenor sax at the start of Rhapsody in Blue. 'YOU HAVE BEEN DRAWN TO SALACIOUS AND HURTFUL LUSTS!'
'LUSTS!' shouted those citizens of Hemlock Falls who had finished their breakfast.
'WHO AMONG YOU IS DRAWN TO DAMNATION?' A surprising number of voices said they were.
'ARE WE NOT ALL SINNERS IN THE EYES OF THE LORD?'
General agreement was expressed by the majority.
Willy Max began to move about the room, face red, arms waving. 'BRING ME A SINNER, LORD, THAT I MAY SHAKE THE DEMONS FROM HIS SOUL! GUIDE ME, LORD! SHOW ME THE BLACK-HEARTED BUCKET OF SLIME.'
'Right here !' said Doreen, pointing at Keith Baumer. Baumer put his fork down, gazed around with a bemused expression, and said feebly, 'Look here...'
Max raised his eyes beseechingly to the ceiling. 'Who, Lord, who?'
'Him, Lord, him!' Doreen screamed.
'Uh, just a minute here,' said Baumer. 'I'm an agnostic.'
'THIS IS THE ONE, REVRUND. THIS - HERE'S THE SINNER.' Doreen grabbed Baumer by the tie. His eyes bulged. Doreen pulled. Baumer rose from his seat. Some hours afterward, opinion was divided as to whether this was strictly voluntary, since strangulation wasn't held to offer a genuine alternative to repentance.
'Have you lusted in your heart?' Willy Max demanded.
'Urgh,' said Baumer.
'HAVE YOU LUSTED IN YOUR LOINS!' then, in an aside to Doreen, 'Leave him go, sister.'
Doreen released Baumer's tie. Byron and Joe-Frank grasped him by both arms, perhaps in a humanitarian attempt to prevent him from falling.
'Fall to your knees and PRAY!' hollered Willy Max. Byron and Joe-Frank assisted Baumer to his knees with good-humored alacrity.
'ooOOOOHHHLORD!' Willy Max shouted. 'Shake these dee-mons from his breast!'
Joe-Frank tapped Baumer's knees with the blackjack. Baumer fell flat, face-up.
