The Blind Barber

who had been chuckling to himself for some time, recounted a spirited story about the travelling saleman and the farmer's daughter. And then came the highlight of the whole evening. My uncle Warpus had been sitting by himself — you could almost see his mind going round click-click — click-click—and he was weighed down by a sense of injustice. He said he was going to make a speech. He did. He got in front of the microphone, cleared his throat, squared his shoulders, and then the cataract came down at Lodore.

'In some ways,' said Warren, rather admiringly, 'it was the funniest thing I ever heard. Uncle Warpus had had to repress his sense of humour for some time. But I happened to know of his talent for making burlesque political speeches… Wow! What he did was to give his free, ornamental, and uncensored opinion of the ways of government, the people in the government, and everything connected with it. Then he went on to discuss foreign policy and armaments. He addressed the heads of Germany, Italy, and France, explaining exactly what he thought of their parentage and alleged social pastimes, and indicating where they could thrust their battleships with the greatest possible effect… ' Warren wiped his forehead rather dazedly. 'You see, it was all done in the form of a burlesque flag-waving speech, with plenty of weird references to Washington and Jefferson and the faith of the fathers… Well, the other eminent soaks caught on and were cheering and applauding. Senator Borax got hold of a little American flag, and every time Uncle Warpus made a particularly telling point, Senator Borax would stick his head out in front of the camera, and wave the flag for a second, and say, 'Hooray!'… Boys, it was hair-raising. As an oratorical effort I have never heard it surpassed. But I know two or three newspapers in New York that would give a cool million dollars for sixty feet of that film.

Peggy Glenn, struggling between laughter and incredulity, sat forward, with her bright hazel eyes fixed on him; she seemed annoyed. 'But I tell you,' she protested again, 'it's absurd! It — it isn't nice, you know… '

'You're telling me,' said Warren, grimly.

'… and all those awfully nice high-minded people; it's disgusting! You can't really tell me!… Oh, it's absurd! I don't believe it.'

'Baby,' said Warren gently, 'that's because you're British. You don't understand American character. It's not in the least unreasonable; it's simply one of those scandals that sometimes happen and have to be hushed up somehow. Only this one is a scandal of such enormous, dizzying proportions that — Look here. We'll say nothing of the explosion it would cause at home. It would ruin Uncle Warpus, and a lot of others with him. But can you imagine the effect of those pronouncements on, say, certain dignitaries in Italy and Germany? They wouldn't see anything funny about it in the least. If they didn't jump up and down, tearing out handfuls of hair, and rush out and declare war immediately, it would be because somebody had the forethought to sit on their heads… Whoosh! T.N.T.? T.N.T.'s as mild as a firecracker compared with it.'

It was growing dark in the cabin. Heavy clouds had massed up; there was a tremble through the ship above the dull beat of her screws, and a deeper thunder and swish of water as she pitched. Glasses and water-bottle were rattling in the rack above the washstand. Morgan reached up to switch on the light. He said:

'And someone stole it from you?'

'Half* of it, yes… Let me tell you what happened.

'The morning after that little carnival, Uncle Warpus woke up with a realisation of what he'd done. He came rushing into my room, and it appears he'd been bombarded with phone-calls from other offenders since seven o'clock. Fortunately, I was able to reassure him — as I thought, anyhow. What with other difficulties, I'd taken in all only two reels. Each reel was packed into a container like this… '

Reaching down under his berth, Warren pulled out a large oblong box, bound in steel, with a handle like a suitcase. It was unlocked, and he opened the snap-catch. Packed inside were a number of flat circular tins measuring about ten inches in diameter painted black, and scrawled with cryptic markings in white chalk. One of these had its lid off. Inside had been jammed a tangled and disarranged spool of film from which a good length seemed to have been torn off.

Warren tapped the tin. 'I was taking some of my better efforts with me,' he explained. 'I've got a little projector, and I thought they might amuse people on the other side…

'On the night of Uncle Warpus's eloquence, I was a little tight myself. The packing up I left to the butler, and I showed him how to do the marking. What must have happened — I can see it now — was that he got the notations mixed. I carefully destroyed two reels that I thought were the right ones. But, like an imbecile' — Warren got out a pack of cigarettes and stuck one askew into his mouth— 'like an imbecile, I only examined one of the reels with any care. So I destroyed the Gettysburg Address, the Dagger Scene, and the singing of 'Annie Laurie.' But the rest of it… well, I can figure it now. What I got rid of were some swell shots of the Bronx Park Zoo.'

'And the rest of it?'

Warren pointed to the floor.

'In my luggage, without my knowing it. Never a suspicion, you see, until this afternoon. Gaa! what a situation. Well, you see, I had an urgent radiogram I had to send off to somebody at home—'

'Oh?' said Miss Glenn, sitting up and eyeing him suspiciously.

'Yes. To my old man. So I went up to the wireless-room. The operator said he'd just received a message for me. He also said, 'This looks like code. Will you check it over and make sure it's all right?' Code. Ho-ho! I glanced over it, and it seemed so queer that I read it aloud. You must remember, what with the excitement of going away and things on board here and all, I'd forgotten that little performance entirely. Besides, the radiogram was unsigned; I suppose Uncle Warpus didn't dare…' Warren shook his head sadly, a weird turbaned figure with the cigarette hanging from one corner of his mouth and his face scrubbed like a schoolboy's. Then he took the cable from his pocket. 'It said, 'found traces in sweeping out. Hiller—' that's his butler; old family retainer; wouldn't squeal if Uncle Warpus pinched the silver out of the White House—'Hiller nervous. They look like bears. Is this real reel. Urgent no hitch in sarcasm effaced. Advise about bears.''

'Eh?' demanded Captain Valvick, who was puffing slowly.

'That's the closest he could take a chance on coming to it,' Warren explained. 'Bears in the zoo. But it's not the sort of thing that makes much sense when it's sprung on you unexpectedly. I argued it out with the wireless operator, and it wasn't until ten minutes later that it struck me — how the devil was I to know Uncle Warpus had sent it? So I couldn't connect up the words; then suddenly it hit me.

'Well, I rushed down here to my cabin. It was getting dark, and besides, the curtain was drawn over the porthole… but there was somebody in here.'

'And of course,' said Morgan, 'you didn't see who it was?'

'When I get that low-down' — snarled Warren, going off at a tangent and glaring murderously at the waterbottle— 'when I find — no, damn it! All I knew was that it was a man. He had my film-box over in the corner, half the tins with their lids off (I found this later) and had the right roll in his hands. I dived for him, and he let go a hard one at my face. When I grabbed him I grabbed a piece of the film. He cracked out again — there isn't much space in here, and the boat was pitching pretty heavily — then we staggered over against the washstand while I tried to slam him against the wall. I didn't dare let go of the film. The next thing I knew the whole cabin went up like a flashlight powder; that was his blackjack on the back of my head. I didn't quite lose consciousness, but the place was going round in sparks; I slugged him again, and I was bent over the part of the film I had. Then he yanked the door open and got out somehow. I must have been knocked out for a few minutes then. When I came to, I rang for the steward, sloshed some water on my head, and discovered—' With his foot Warren raised the tangle of film on the floor.

'But didn't you see him?' asked the girl, in her fluttering concern, again taking hold of his head and causing an agonised 'Ow!' She jumped. 'I mean, old boy, that, after all, you were fighting with him…'

'No, I didn't see him, I tell you! It might have been anybody… But the question is, what's to be done? I'm appealing to you for help. We've got to get that piece of film back. He got — maybe fifty feet of it. And that's as dangerous as though he'd got all of it.'

3 — Trap for a Film Thief