Eleanor looked at Julian as if she was thinking about kissing him again, but made no move to. “You’ve changed, you know.”
“Have I?”
“Yeah, you seem…older.”
“I suppose living away from home does that to you.”
Eleanor shook her head. “It’s not that. I didn’t notice it when you first got back, but now, well, it’s like years not weeks have passed since then.”
It felt like that to Julian too. He held in a sigh. “Nobody stays the same.”
“I guess not.” Eleanor hesitated, then added, “You know, if there’s something bothering you other than Mia Bradshaw, you can talk to me about it. You can talk to me about anything.”
Not for the first time, Julian wondered how Eleanor would look at him if he told her about his dreams. She’d look at him with the same revulsion he looked at himself in the mirror each morning, he knew that much. But would she ever again be able to look at him with the same pureness of love as now? Or would her eyes always be tainted by the knowledge that there was something so monstrous trying to get in, or trying to get out of him? “Thanks,” he said, blinking away from Eleanor’s eyes. He made a show of typing on the computer, but as soon as she was gone he reached for the whisky and took a long pull at it.
Chapter 19
For a while Julian dwelled on Eleanor, trying to make sense of his feelings. He needed her. He supposed he’d always known that, but he hadn’t really admitted it to himself until now. She symbolised the best of his world and anchored him to it. Without her, he was an emotional wreck, drifting towards a nervous breakdown. But if he wanted to have a future with her, he knew, sooner or later he was going to have to let her see into the darkest corners of his mind. The thought made him want to shrink away from that future, but it was preferable to living a lie. Wasn’t it? Or was it better to keep that part of himself hidden from her? In his head, he heard his dad saying, sometimes you have to lie to protect people. Then his mum’s voice rose up in opposition. The worst thing in the world, it chanted, the worst thing in the world, the worst thing in the world…
He silenced the competing voices with another mouthful of whisky. His thoughts returned to the only person he’d felt comfortable opening his mind to, the only person he’d met with the power to stop the dreams. Mia. “Where are you?” he murmured, closing his eyes. In desperation, he tried to reach out to her with his mind, thinking, maybe she was right, maybe I do have my grandma’s power. But if he did, he couldn’t tap into it. He found himself struggling even to picture Mia’s face. The memory of it was fading like an old photograph. A kind of panic rising up in him, he logged into Facebook and navigated to her homepage. He stared at her face, fixing the smallest details of it in his mind — the intense blue eyes, the pale skin scattered with a faint spray of freckles, the painted pouting lips, the hard curve of her jaw. He stiffened at every sound outside his door, expecting it to be Tom Benson come to haul him down the station. But the policeman didn’t come. He wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. By the end of the day, the whisky bottle was almost empty, and he felt almost empty too. His dad came into the office and asked, “So, how’s your day been?”
“I found someone to design the website,” said Julian, and he told his dad about Eleanor.
Robert smiled. “That’s fantastic. Come on, time for home.”
Muzzy-headed from drink, Julian sluggishly followed his dad to the car. He sat slumped in the passenger seat, unmoving, unspeaking, until his dad drove past the turn for their house. “Where are we going?” he asked, sitting up, little puckers forming around his eyes as he looked at the approaching forest.
“You’ll see. It’s a surprise.”
As they drove further into the forest, getting closer to the turn off for Mr X’s house, Julian began to feel increasingly agitated. It crossed his mind that maybe Tom Benson had contacted his dad and arranged to meet them at Mr X’s place, so that they could prove to him once and for all that Mia wasn’t there. He hoped with everything he had in him that that wasn’t the case. The policeman was right, it was easier for him to believe in Mr X, than face up to the possibility that Mia was dead. He released a silent breath of relief, when his dad turned into the driveway of a house just off The Old Forest Road. Robert pointed to a car parked in the drive — a shiny Audi, the kind of thing middle-ranking executives drive. “Well, what do you think?” he asked. “Do you like it?”
“Yeah sure, it’s nice.”
“I’m glad you think so, because it’s yours.” Robert smiled at Julian as if expecting a smile in return. He just about managed to muster one up. His dad went on to tell him that a business acquaintance had happened to mention he was looking to sell his car and he thought it’d be perfect for him.
“It is, but are you sure you can afford it?” Julian asked, a little awkwardly, not wanting to embarrass his dad.
Robert wafted his words away. “When it comes to business you need to look the part if you want to be taken seriously.” With a wink, he added, “And besides, it’s tax deductible.”
Julian looked the car over while his dad went off to collect the keys. When he returned, he handed him them and the car ownership documents, saying, “No driving too fast on the forest roads and no jumping red lights. I don’t want anymore trips to the hospital this week. Okay?”
“Okay. Thanks for this, Dad.” Julian would’ve liked to say more, tell him how grateful he was for everything he’d done for him, maybe even hug him or something. But he didn’t know how. “You want to go for a spin?”
Robert shook his head. “I’ve got a few details to sort out here. I’ll see you back at home.”
Julian drove extra carefully back to town — not because of what his dad had said, the last thing he needed was to be pulled over with a quart of whisky sloshing around inside him. He didn’t go home, he went to the Hill’s house. Mike Hill came to the door. “Hello, Julian, what can I do for you?”
“I’m here to see Eleanor.”
A frown of surprise creased the journalist’s forehead. With a quick glance over his shoulder, he said in a hushed voice, “I thought we’d agreed you’d stay away from Ellie for now.”
“I know, but things have changed.”
“How have they changed? Have you found something out about Mia Bradshaw?”
Julian shook his head. “Thing is, me and Eleanor, well, we’ve decided to get back together.” Mike didn’t look pleased. Bolstered by alcohol, Julian didn’t care. “Is she in?”
“Yes.”
“Can I go up and see her?”
Mike stretched his arm across the doorway. “I’ve got to say, I’m disappointed in you, Julian.”
“Well you’ve got no right to be,” Eleanor said sharply, descending the stairs behind her dad. “Julian would’ve done as he promised, if I hadn’t convinced him not to. I’m the one who should be disappointed — disappointed in you. You had no right to interfere in my life like that. I’m not a child.”
“You’re right,” agreed Mike. “You’re not a child, but you’re not an adult yet either.”
“I’m eighteen. In the eyes of the law, I’m an adult.”
“In the eyes of the law, yes, but not in my eyes. In my eyes, you’re still my baby girl. Do you understand?”
Her eyes softening to their usual tenderness, Eleanor sighed and nodded. “But you’ve got to understand something too, Dad. I love Julian and want to be with him no matter what.”
“And does he feel the same?” Mike shot a narrow glance at Julian. “I mean, he left you once before, what’s to stop him doing it again?”
“I’m not going anywhere,” said Julian. “I’m here, and I’m staying here.”
“Well Ellie’s not. She’s going to university in September. What’ll you do then?”
“I’m not definitely going,” said Eleanor. “I might put it off a year, reapply somewhere closer to home.”
Mike’s eyes widened in disapproving surprise. “What? You can’t be serious. You’ve been accepted into one of the best universities in-”
“I don’t want to talk about this now,” Eleanor cut him off.
“Well I do. You’re talking about putting your future in jeopardy over some boy who, well, to put it frankly, who isn’t worth it.”
