Spots of colour came into Eleanor’s cheeks. Pursing her lips as if to contain her anger, she turned to Julian. “Want to go for a walk?”
“Sure.”
Avoiding her dad’s gaze, Eleanor moved off to fetch her shoes. Eyes hard with worry, Mike leant in close to Julian. “If anything happens to her, I’ll hold you responsible.” His voice was low and heavy with intent, almost threatening.
Even through all the alcohol in his system, Julian felt a little surge of adrenaline. Blinking, he dropped his gaze from Mike’s. Eleanor pushed past her dad and, taking hold of Julian’s hand, drew him away from the door. “This isn’t over,” Mike called after them. “We’re going to talk about this.”
Eleanor ignored him. “Sorry about that,” she said to Julian. “He didn’t mean what he said, he was just angry.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Mike’s comments hadn’t offended Julian. In fact, he agreed with them. He showed her his car. “Want to go for a drive?”
Eleanor shook her head. “Let’s just walk.”
Hand in hand, they wandered along until they came to the lane that led to the hay-barn. Eleanor looked at Julian meaningfully. “Do you want to go that way?”
“Do you?”
Eleanor nodded. Julian’s heart beat in time to their quickening footsteps as they made their way to the stile at the end of the lane. Beyond was a meadow, hazy in the evening light. They ran through the long grass to the barn, which was stacked half-full of bales of hay. Julian hesitated in the grass-smelling gloom. “Are you sure about this?”
“Completely.”
They pulled out some hay and lay on it, face to face, each waiting for the other to make the first move. “I haven’t been with anyone else since we broke up,” said Eleanor.
“There was this girl at uni,” Julian admitted, guilt tingling through him. He added quickly, “It was nothing serious.”
Eleanor smiled, reaching to push her hand through his hair. “There’s no need to explain, Jules.”
Her words strengthened rather than eased his guilt. “Your dad was right, you know, about university and about me.”
“Shh.”
Julian made a low noise of pleasure as Eleanor dragged her nails gently across his scalp. Blood pounding in his head and groin, he rested his hand on her thigh, moved it over the curve of her waist and drew her close. She wrinkled her nose. “Have you been drinking?”
Not replying, Julian dipped his chin to kiss her neck. “Mmm,” she purred, arching her head. He worked his way up to her mouth. As their lips met, he closed his eyes. The instant he did so a face flashed into his mind — a cute, girl-next-door face with baby-blue eyes framed by sandy blonde-hair. With a start, he snapped open his eyes, passing his hand over them as if to swipe the image away.
“What’s wrong?” asked Eleanor, a slight frown marring the smoothness of her forehead.
“Nothing.”
“Listen, we don’t have to do this if-”
“No, I want to,” Julian interjected with sudden resolve. The dreams already ruled his nights, he wasn’t about to let them rule his days too. Cupping his fingers around Eleanor’s chin, he kissed her again. He couldn’t bring himself to close his eyes, though. She threw her leg over him, rolling so she straddled him. As she bent forward, her hair blinded him. Again, the image burst upon his consciousness, vivid as a living being. Like a physical force, it reached out to him from the dark, accompanied by a surge of lust so intense, so raw, it shook him to his core. Gasping, he brushed Eleanor’s hair away. Light rushed in, but the image remained, as if it’d been branded on his retinas. Before he even realised what he was doing, he’d flipped Eleanor onto her back, pinning her arms.
“Hey, take it easy,” she said.
He didn’t see Eleanor anymore. He only saw the face in his mind, the blue eyes swollen and wet with fear. There was no light in his eyes as he bent to run his tongue roughly over Eleanor’s cheek. “Stop, I don’t like that,” she said. He didn’t stop. He felt drugged, powerless to resist the white-hot scour of his desire. She tried to squirm out from under him, but his hands were on her like iron, pulling at her clothes, grinding into her crotch.
“No, Julian. I said no!” Eleanor brought her knee up hard between Julian’s legs. The pain that exploded in his groin blotted out everything else. With an agonised groan, he rolled off her and lay crumpled in a heap. “What the fuck’s the matter with you?” she demanded to know, glaring at him.
“I’m losing it,” said Julian, speaking more to himself than Eleanor. He started shaking his head and banging his forehead with his fist. “I’m losing my fucking mind.”
“Stop that.”
Julian didn’t hear. He hit himself harder and faster. When Eleanor reached to catch his hand, he recoiled from her as if his touch might infect her with some dreadful disease. “Stay away from me.”
“Why are you being like this, Julian?” There were tears in Eleanor’s voice now, as her anger gave way to confused desperation. “Are you trying to drive me away? Is that it?”
“Christ, I wish that’s all there was to it.”
“Well what else is there to it. Speak to me, Julian, for fuck’s sake.”
“There’s…” Julian struggled to find the words. “There’s something in me, some kind of sickness.” He hammered his hand into his head again. “I can feel it in there trying to get out.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Neither do I. I keep having these…these…” Julian couldn’t bring himself to say the word dreams. He didn’t even want to think it in case doing so caused the images to spill out of his subconscious again. Desperately trying to make his mind a blank space, a white sheet of emptiness, he struggled to his feet. “I’m sorry, Eleanor. I’m so-” He broke off, voice choked by tears of shame. Keeping his eyes on the ground, he hurried out of the barn.
“Wait, Julian,” Eleanor called after him. But he didn’t wait, he quickened to a run. He knew now what he must’ve known unconsciously all along, it wasn’t just Mr X he needed to protect Eleanor from, it was himself. Feeling sick to his stomach, he got into the car, threw it into gear and screeched away. He drove fast to the centre of town, to The Cut. He ordered a whisky, chucked it down his throat, ordered another, did the same with that, and another, and another. When he blearily glimpsed himself in the mirror behind the bar, a look of revulsion and loathing etched itself into his face. It was all he could do to resist the urge to fling his glass at his reflection. He felt, or imagined he felt, a pressure growing behind his eyes. As if the darkness that lurked there was trying to burst forth. Again, he wondered where the darkness came from. For a long time he’d managed to convince himself that its source was external, that the seance had released something, not a ghost, but some kind of malevolent energy that was bent on taking over his psyche. But now he couldn’t help wondering whether in reality the darkness had always been there and the seance had simply acted as a catalyst, setting in motion the subconscious forces of his own nature.
A hand touched Julian’s shoulder. He jerked around to find himself facing Kyle. “I thought it was you,” Kyle said. He was grinning his usual idiot grin, but it disappeared and he took an instinctive step backward at the sight of his friend’s face. “You okay, bro?”
“No,” slurred Julian, swaying, his eyes barely open. “I’m not fucking okay. I’m all wrong.” he stabbed a finger at his temple as if to indicate where the wrongness lay within him. “I’m no good. No good to anybody. I should do the world a favour and end this shit.”
Kyle wet his lips nervously. “Come on, dude, things can’t be that bad.”
Julian laughed — it wasn’t a pleasant sound. “What the fuck would you know about it? What do you know about anything, except getting stoned?”
“No need for that, Jules, I’m just trying to help.”
“If you wanna help, shut the fuck up and buy me another drink.”
“I think you’ve had enough already. Look, why don’t I give you a lift home?”
“If you’re not gonna buy me a drink, fuck off,” Julian said, loudly enough that he drew uneasy glances from nearby drinkers.
Kyle’s tongue flicked over his lips again, which trembled now with anger. “You’re right, Jules, you are all wrong. That poisonous bitch has fucked you in the head, just like I warned you she would.”
