Chapter 10
Apparently Trip really did believe it was important, because he full on sprinted across the entire compound to Milo's workshop. Trip had played college football and could run unbelievably fast. I, on the other hand, am a sluggish brute, and preferred only to run when something was chasing me. But apparently this was a big deal, so I hauled butt, yelling hoarsely for various Newbies and Hunters to get out of my way. Unfortunately, Milo's workshop was set out by itself, most likely isolated to protect everyone else in case one of his inventions went horribly wrong and turned our gear man and his shop into vaporized atoms.
By the time Julie and I got there, Trip was already inside, and I was panting. Julie looked fine. 'You should do more cardio,' she said patiently as she opened the door for me.
'Punching bag's cardio,' I gasped.
'Only when you do it for more than a minute.'
'If I have to punch something for more than a minute'-panting-'it's time to go to guns.'
'Wait.' She grabbed me by the arm. 'This business with your dad..'
'I don't know, but I intend to find out. Come on.'
The inside of Milo's shop was a mess of machinery of every type: welders, lathes, mills, drill presses, and things that I didn't even recognize. Miscellaneous guns were piled in every corner and on every shelf. There was even a rocket launcher of some type dangling from a strap hung over the antlers of the crocodile head mounted on the wall.
We stepped past the biggest harpoon gun that I had ever seen. It was the size of a riding lawn mower, all stainless steel with a spool of cable thick enough for high-power lines, loaded with a spear as big around as a fence post, and painted on the side was a picture of a creature with a shark's head ending in squid tentacles with a big slash through it, Ghostbusters' style. So that's where Milo's discretionary budget had gone lately. If I wasn't in such a hurry, I would have stopped and admired the monstrosity.
Milo saw me looking at his invention. 'Yeah, it is pretty freaking cool. I'm done messing around with stupid luskas. Next time we have to hunt shark-krakens, we do it in style. This sucker could harpoon Godzilla! The guys in Miami are going to love this baby. I call it Leviathan.' He had been waiting for us, pacing, his long red beard bouncing with each step. He had undone the beard braids and the entire thing was in a giant puffy mass that extended halfway down his chest. 'Well, anyways, you aren't going to believe this, but I think I've found a way to track down the Condition.' He gestured for us to follow as he headed for the back of the workshop.
There was a roll-up door, and an MHI Crown Vic was parked in one of the few open spaces. Holly was standing near the rear, casually holding her. 308 Vepr carbine pointed at the trunk. She smiled when she saw us. 'Z, you're all sweaty. Did we interrupt you two at something?'
I was too out of breath to respond, so I flipped her the bird. She winked. Trip appeared with a ring of keys and moved to the trunk. 'Ready?' he asked Holly.
'Born ready,' she said as she planted the big AK against her shoulder and took aim. 'Open it.'
'Slow down,' Milo urged. The short man paused to push his glasses back up his nose before getting down to business 'You guys have no sense of presentation. Young Hunters are so excitable. You can't just spring it on them. You've got to work up to it. It's all about presentation.'
Julie groaned. Milo's ideas were often good, sometimes bad, usually weird, but always with the best intentions. He was constantly thinking outside the box. Way outside the box. 'I swear if there's Powerpoint involved, someone's getting shot.'
I was a little impatient, considering that my father had been about to tell me something that was probably really important concerning my destiny and all that jazz. 'Come on, Milo. Spill it. How are we going to find the Condition?'
Milo smiled broadly. 'You sent the three of us out to shake down the elves to see if we could find out anything-'
'Useless as usual,' Holly interjected. 'Though the Elf Queen asked how the Dreamer was doing. I think she's got a crush on you, Z. She's kinda cute for a four-hundred-pounder.'
'But then we get the call to head over to Bessamer for a troll infestation. You guys had to bail, so we took care of it on our own,' Milo said proudly. 'How much do you know about trolls?'
'I've killed…' Julie paused, thinking, 'five of them on two separate cases. They're rubbery, super resilient, heal fast, are very vulnerable to fire, eat anything, but prefer children, and they're smarter than they look. It's always best to engage them from a distance, then when they're down, burn them.'
'Yes, yes,' Milo steepled his fingers, looking briefly like he was teaching elementary school, obviously leading up to the payoff. 'All true, but more important… what do they do for fun?'
'Hang out under bridges and harass goats?' I asked.
Julie hesitated, flustered. 'Well… I… I don't actually know.'
'Aha!' Milo shouted, grabbing a bunch of printouts off a nearby table. He shoved the papers into her hands. Julie glanced at them, frowning, then started to pass them off to me.
'Hot stock tips? Free iPods? Discount Viagra? Enlarge your- What the hell?' I asked, as Julie handed printed e-mails to me. Dear Sir, I am Barrister Kojima Loima of Nigeria and I must approach you concerning an opportunity of extreme urgency. My client former Prime Minister Katanga has requested that I safely move his fortune from our country to the U.S. in secrecy. I must transfer a sum of sixty-two million dollars to your bank account- It just went on and on. 'What is this?'
'Spam,' Milo said solemnly.
'Trolls are spammers?' Julie asked.
'Oh, and so much more!' Milo exclaimed. 'Open it, Trip.'
Holly tightened up on her rifle. Trip turned the key and popped the lid. The trunk appeared to be filled with a bunch of greasy rubber hoses. Suddenly, the pile moved, revealing it to be one solid mass curled into an uncomfortable fetal position. Giant clawed hands and feet had been chained together and padlocked. Two round yellow eyes opened and blinked at us. It had a pointy nose, hooked over a mouth full of dingy blunt teeth.
'You are the suck!' the creature hissed. It started to rise. Trip moved forward, cocked one fist back and slugged the monster right in its massive mouth. The creature winced back.
I looked at Trip in surprise. He was normally the nicest person I knew. 'I hate spammers,' he explained as he shook his aching hand.
'Milo?' Julie asked slowly. 'Why is there a troll in your trunk?'
The little man was really excited now. 'When we hit the target, we were expecting a bunch of these things, and instead only found this one. He'd fallen asleep with his head sitting on a desk with a bunch of computers running on it.'
'There was a pile a foot deep of empty energy-drink cans and Ho-Ho wrappers on the floor,' Holly added. 'He'd been playing online games, arguing with random people on like fifty different internet forums, writing spam. It was really pathetic. Most of it was totally incoherent.'
'And the punctuation…' Trip muttered, obviously offended. 'According to his MySpace page, he's a sixteen- year-old girl named Brittany who likes to post pictures of herself in her underwear.'
The thing in the trunk stirred, glaring at each of us angrily. It was an intimidating beast, lean, with limbs that even though they were crammed into the trunk, were obviously too long. 'So internet trolls.. are really trolls?'
Julie folded her arms. 'No, Milo. You can't keep him as a pet.'
Milo was indignant. 'Of course not; I remember what happened when I tried to raise that sasquatch. How was I supposed to know it was going to eat Sam's dog? Poor Squeaky…' I didn't know if that was the name of Milo Anderson's bigfoot or Sam Haven's deceased pooch. Milo lifted one last bunch of papers. 'Anyway, this is why I brought him back.'
The logo on this e-mail was the same sky squid as the Condition handout Myers had presented to us. I took it from him and read. The message was brief.
Attention creatures of the darkness, the Shadow Lord, High Priest of the Sanctified Church of the Temporary Mortal Condition, extends his benevolent hand in friendship. Join our mighty legion. No longer must you live in secret
