Heaven's Children (Earth Totem)

kind of light, and I conjure up the image of white feathers. The word, ‘angel,’ springs to mind, and I know I’m gaping.

‘We’ve been watching you for such a long time, Nevaeh.’ As soon as she says that I have the sense of others behind her. It must be heaven, and I feel relieved that I’m in the other place. Not that I’ve had time in my life to do anything bad. What does heaven look like? Is it a city? Can I fly? Movies of heaven flash images at me, and I look round.

I’m still falling although it doesn’t actually matter anymore, I’m going home. The air has become static, and there’s a pain in my chest. I focus on the woman.

I am overwhelmed by how beautiful she is and how the flecks of gold in her green eyes resemble mine. It is then that I feel the connection, and I gasp as her mind links. This is my mother! The full force of this realisation, of her waiting for me, hits me like a wave. This is exactly how people have described meeting people in the afterlife.

I’m dead, so is she. Now I’m returning; I feel so unbelievably happy, it flows through me. Everything is starting to make sense now. I feel my arms reaching out for her.

‘NEVAEH…HOSPITAL BED!’

Hawk’s voice rips through us and I catch the confused look on her face before she dissolves into mist.

‘NEVAEH…YOU HAVE TO SEE IT!’ His voice feels like fingernails being dragged down a board, and I cringe.

‘Why Hospital bed?’ The image comes swiftly and the moment I think it, the brakes go on, flipping my stomach, as it pushes me back up at high speed.

I cringe closing my eyes as I fly through the window, expecting breakage of some kind but everything is quiet. I look back in confusion, at the window, the dusty blinds and flaky painted window sill which seem rock solid. I don’t look at Hawk. I just stand there trembling. If I’m supposed to be with my mother, where is my real mother? Tears, well up flooding down my cheeks. I wonder what happened to her after she left me at the adoption agency. How did she die? I know she loves me from the way she cradled me. More than ever, I want her to hold me again. All I have to do is put the puzzle together. I look at the still body lying in the bed – I have all the time in the world.

‘My dreams Hawk, they’re connected to all of this.’ I say tapping my little finger.

‘First there’s that place, with the temple, and statues; it is sacred, and I can still smell the incense if I try and the freshness of the earth. Then all the pain, the poison, like I was the earth’s messenger…’ My hands flutter to my throat, as I remember the gagging.

‘Nevaeh.’ Hawk says quietly, stepping closer but I hold my hand up.

I’m weary, and close my eyes, rubbing my temples, thinking.

‘Then, when we tranced, remember? I saw that girl, with the baby, in the basket.’ I look at him then with wide eyes.

‘Did I tell you, she jumped?’ I sweep my hand down to make a point.

‘She ran from the temple, across the field and then jumped, and when I saw the bracelet of flowers on the baby’s arm, I…’ That was me. I look at him anxiously.

Hawk steps closer, silently and I know he is willing me to remember.

I push down the scream that threatens to burst from me.

‘I thought it was me, and now…’ I turn towards the window, before staring at the imaginary puzzle pieces.

‘And now what? Nevaeh – tell me.’ He strokes my arm like a child.

I turn round and stare at him evenly.

‘I think I just met my mother. That baby symbolises me, she’s waiting for me!’

I gasp, saying it aloud sounds strangely permanent, and I’m not ready for this – any of this. I walk to the window trailing my hand along the dust. If I jump again, maybe I can reach her, and all of this will be over. I look at my other self again, a still body and feel miserable. This isn’t life; either I’m here or there, but not both. A deep sense of despair almost smothers me and I look back at the window. I’d read somewhere that if you dream of jumping off a cliff and reach the bottom you’re dead.

What if you’re already half way there? I close my eyes willing myself to fall, not expecting the force of Hawk’s hands on the back of my shoulders. My eyes fly open, and I’m turned to face him. It’s already a deep shade of red, and I realise he’s been following my thoughts. His dark eyes are furious.

‘Don’t even think it, do you hear me? You have to fight this; I’m not giving up on you yet.’

His voice is hoarse with emotion. I nod and let him walk me to what he must have felt was the safest area, the windowless part. He kisses me firmly before pulling back.

‘Don’t do that again, you frightened the life out of me.’ I stare at him in amazement. Frightened the life out of him? If I hadn’t been feeling so weak, I would have laughed at the last comment, especially considering I had had the life hit out of me.

We sit there for what feels like hours, talking over the different dreams and trying to make sense of it all. Hawk was right; I had to wake up first.

I sigh; all of this is surreal in so many ways, laying here, the three of us on my bed. I didn’t even feel creepy anymore; in fact, it is kind of comforting in a weird way. At least I know where my body is. I wonder what happens to other people who are separated from their bodies? Do they just float around like ghosts?

I smile, imagining the look on Jo-Jo and even Jay and Paul’s face if I started moving things around. The image of their faces would be worth it, just for the pure entertainment value.

Hawk muttered something, and I can see his eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids. He has been like this