'Hey, not bad for a tenderfoot pilot.'
'Let's get to her quick!'
With difficulty, they all spilled out of the craft.
'Which way?' Gene said. 'I lost my bearings.'
'Follow Goofus!'
'Oh, yeah.'
Goofus led them a merry chase through woods, down an incline and up a hill, following a beaten path. Eventually Goofus lost his pursuers and disappeared into the brush.
'Gene, hurry!'
'I'm coming, I'm coming.'
They came out of the woods onto a rutted road, where they beheld a strange sight. Goofus was trying to chew the sword arm off a chain-mailed knight. The man was writhing on the ground near a naked Melanie, who just sat there watching. Nearby, two other knights lay bloodily dead, while a third man, sword in hand, stood idly by, observing the scene with detached curiosity.
Linda dragged Goofus off his victim. The man groaned, holding his mangled arm.
'Phasers on stun,' Gene said, pointing his futuristic weapon at the man. The gun went voomp and the man fell over unconscious. A green cross was emblazoned on the white tunic that covered his suit of mail.
'Just for insurance until we find out what's going on,' Gene said. 'Shoot first and ask Christians later is my motto.'
Linda brought Melanie her clothes.
'Hi, there!' Gene said to the man who was watching. 'There's a Federation law against interference, but, hey, screw it!'
'He saved my life,' Melanie said, pulling on tights. 'Or tried to, anyway. And he doesn't know me from Adam.'
'Is that why he's eavesdropping?'
'Melanie, what happened?' Linda said.
'Oh, these are the days when knights were bold, I guess. They were going to rape me and this one tried to kill me. Who's the dog belong to?'
'That's Goofus, and he found you,' Linda said.
'Thanks, Goofus.'
'Whoorrrrff!'
'I thought I'd never see you again,' Melanie said.
'You thought! My God, I was sick with worry. You were my responsibility.'
'I guess stepping into that aspect was dumb, huh?'
'You couldn't have known, and I should have kept my eye on you till you did know.'
'Hey, this guy's head is split like a melon,' Snowclaw said.
'I did that,' Melanie said soberly.
'You?' Linda was amazed.
'Never in a million years did I think I could ever kill anyone. But I did.'
'Well, you did a pretty good job,' Snowclaw assured her.
'I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life.'
Decent again, Melanie went up to the stranger who had come back for her.
'You didn't have to come back. You risked your life for me.'
He had no trouble understanding. 'Aye. I've been known to do stupider things.' He sheathed his sword. 'But all's well that ends well. I'll trust your friends to take you home. I'll not ask what far country you or they come from. 'Tis all been passing strange.'
She kissed him on the cheek. 'Thank you.'
He smiled. 'Be well, girl. And don't leave home again without a husband or some man to look after you.'
He turned and walked back up the hill. Melanie watched him go. Then she called out to him. 'What's your name?'
'I'm called Baldor. Baldor of the clan Cayrn. Fare thee well, pretty maid!'
Linda found Gene pointing his gun at a tree. He fiddled with the setting and aimed again.
'Gene,' Linda said, 'what are you up to?'
'I gotta see what _vaporize' does.'
'Don't destroy a tree just to ?'
A plume of wispy smoke wafted out of the barrel of the weapon. It billowed into a faint cloud and dissipated quickly.
'What the shit is this nonsense?'
'You wanted vapor, you got vapor,' Linda said, laughing.
'Probably hair spray. Or deodorant.' He holstered his weapon. 'Let's beam the hell offa this jerkwater planet.'
'Right, Captain.'
'We need an ending, here. Where's Gene Roddenberry when you need him?'
Twenty-five
Castle Perilous ? Apothecary
In rumpled evening suit with black tie undone and hanging, the King of the Realms Perilous came walking in, holding an ice bag to his head.
'Ramon!'
No answer. He bellowed again, wincing. 'Ramon!'
Ramon the apothecary came out of the back room. 'What's the big emergency? ? Oh. Your Majesty. What can I do for you?'
'You can shoot me or give me something for this headache. It's killing me.'
'Can't you whip up a spell?'
'If I had any pharmaceutical spells handy I'd whip one up, but as you can see, I'm dying. Besides, what I'm hung over with, magic can't touch. Now, can you get cracking?'
Ramon raised his pale eyebrows. 'Well, you don't have to shout.'
'Move, Ramon.'
'Yes, Your Kingship.' Ramon went back into his cubicle. There he rattled bottles and retorts, put pestle into mortar and pestled something, then poured something which bubbled and fizzed. He came out carrying a beaker of fizzing, bubbling stuff.
'Drink this off,' he said.
The king took it and downed it.
'Gods, that's awful.'
'It'll work.'
The king gave back the beaker. 'Thanks, Ramon. See you later.'
'I'll put it on your bill.'
'Yeah.'
He held the ice to his head all the way up to the castle's Administrative Offices.
He came through the door to find his secretary typing away. The secretary jumped to his feet.
'Sire, you're back! There are a hundred matters…'
'Just the important stuff, Tremaine. I'm dyin'.'
'What's amiss, Sire?'
The king went through to his office. 'My frigging head, that's what. What have you got?'
'We must review the case of the Advocate General against Lord Arl. That is the most important. Then there is…'
