The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

The Pirate Captain sat down and rubbed his eyes with a weary hand. It suddenly felt like it had been a very long day.

'But Black Bellamy ... he said you were carry­ing gold for the Bank of England.'

'The Bank of England?' said FitzRoy, grab­bing at a table as the Beagle started to list alarmingly. 'I believe I've heard there is such a boat. But it's sailing in the vicinity of the West Indies, from what I remember.'

'The West Indies? But that's where we've just come from!'

'That Black Bellamy!' said the pirate with a hook instead of a hand. 'He was just trying to get us out of the way, so that he could plunder it for himself! Why, he hasn't changed at all! We've been bamboozled!'

The pirates were all very disappointed with the way Black Bellamy had behaved.

'So, then. Um. What are you doing in these parts?' said the Pirate Captain to Darwin, trying to make a bit of light-hearted conversa­tion, and feeling more than a little awkward now.

'We're on a scientific expedition.'

'Searching for creatures?'

'I have a theory,' said Darwin, looking serious.

'I'm afraid it's proved to be rather controversial. We came here looking for proof

'What is this theory? In terms a pirate might understand.'

'It is not something to be taken lightly. It will make you look at the world with fresh eyes. Things may never seem the same again,' said Darwin, in a spooky voice.

'Go on,' said the Pirate Captain, his curiosity bitten.

Darwin gave a dramatic pause. , 'In short, I believe that a monkey, properly trained, given the correct dietary regime, and dressed in fancy clothes, can be made indistin­guishable from a human gentleman. I believe he would cease to be a monkey, and become more a ... a Man-panzee, if you will.'

A silence held the room. One of the pirates whistled.

'I... see. A Man-panzee?' said the Pirate Captain.

'But because of my outlandish theories I have made some powerful enemies - primarily, the Bishop of Oxford,' said Darwin, unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

'He finds it offensive?'

'He most certainly does!'

'Because it contravenes his religious beliefs?'

'Oh no! Nothing to do with that, my dear pirate Captain. The Bishop of Oxford recently became the largest shareholder in P.T. Barnum's world-famous Circus of Freaks.' Darwin leant forward with a conspiratorial air. 'The circus has been making a killing of late, because all of London Town is entranced by its latest exhibit... the fantastical Elephant Man. Have you heard of him?'

'Aarrr. He was on show last time we were in England,' said the Pirate Captain. A real disap­pointment as I remember. Doesn't even have a trunk. The trick is not to treat him like a gentle­man, because he always starts crying if you do that.'

Anyhow, the Bishop of Oxford is clearly alarmed that my Man-panzee might steal his Elephant Man's thunder. So he denounced my ideas as blasphemous - he even said there was ^a bit in the Bible about how it was a sin to dress a monkey up in a waistcoat, but when

asked for the page reference he claimed to have forgotten.'

Darwin was clearly on the verge of an angry rage.

'So I joined this expedition in an attempt to find a suitable specimen. Only now I have received word from England that my brother Erasmus has gone missing! I believe he has been kidnapped by the Bishop of Oxford as a means of safeguarding against my successful return. I fear the Bishop intends to do him some great harm unless I abandon my research.'

'Does that mean you've had some success?' asked one of the pirates.

'Come, let me show you.'

Darwin and FitzRoy led the pirates to an adjoining cabin. The pirates gasped, for though the room was dark and cramped, they could still make out its sole occupant. Sitting in a I leather-backed armchair was a monkey with the best posture any of the pirates had ever seen. Dressed in an expensive-looking silk suit, with a pipe in his mouth, the creature peered at

the pirates through a gold-rimmed monocle. He appeared to be sipping on some sort of cocktail - the Pirate Captain thought he could smell gin. The monkey looked as if he had been freshly shaved, but he was still recognisably a monkey, though if you squinted he might have passed for a wizened old man, or a gigan­tic walnut.

'Obviously he cannot talk,' said Darwin, turning on a few gaslights. 'But he is able to carry on a conversation by use of flash cards. Though I expect that sometime in the future, technology will move on, so that rather than having to rely on the cards he'll be able to use ... oh, I don't know, refrigerator magnets, something like that.'

The monkey straightened his cravat, and held up a series of cards in quick succession.

'Hello. There. Pirates. Pleased. To. Meet. You,' he spelt out. 'My. Name. Is. Mister. Bobo.'

'Erm, pleased to meet you too,' said the Pirate Captain who, truth be told, felt like an idiot talk­ing to a monkey, even one as finely dressed as

this.⁸ He turned to Darwin. 'It's a fantastic achievement.'

'Yes, Mister Bobo is by far my most promis­ing specimen. I'm glad you didn't hit him with a cannonball. Please, let me give you a demon­stration.' Darwin turned to the dapper little creature. 'Mister Bobo, would you tell us how one goes about being a proper gentleman?'

The monkey appeared deep in thought, and then shuffled through his pack of flash cards.

8 You share about 98.6 per cent of your DNA with a common chimpanzee. And upwards of 99 per cent of your DNA with a pirate!

'Moderation. decorum. and. neatness. distin­guish. the. gentleman; he. is. at. all. times. affable,. diffident, and. studious. to. please. Intel­ligent. and. polite,. his. behaviour. is. pleasant. and. graceful. When. he. enters. the. dwelling. of. an. inferior,. he. endeavours, to. hide,. if. possi­ble,. the. difference. between. their. ranks. of. life;. ever. willing. to. assist. those. around. him,. he. is. neither. unkind,. haughty,. nor. overbear­ing. In. the. mansions, of. the. rich,. the. correctness. of. his. mind. induces. him. to. bend.

to. etiquette,. but. not. to. stoop. to. adulation;. correct. principle. cautions. him. to. avoid. the. gaming-table,. inebriety,. or. any. other. foible. that. could. occasion. him. self-reproach,' said Mister Bobo with his cards.

'You see? Not exactly perfect, but he makes a good stab at it. For a monkey,' said Darwin.

Flash cards were hardly the fastest way of communicating, and by now the pirates' bellies were rumbling. Also their pirate boots were getting wet as the Beagle started to sink, so they'd been hoping that the young scientist might have finished his speech, but Darwin, obviously proud of his discovery, went on.

'Naturally, I intended to find a better class of tailor back in England, one who might be able to do something to conceal his huge unsightly ass.'

'It is a big ass,' agreed a pirate.

'How have you been able to train him so well?' asked the Pirate Captain.

'Mostly fire,' Darwin nodded at some hot tongs hanging on the wall, and Mister Bobo looked a bit frightened. 'But it's all been a waste. I'll never be able to show him off to high society,

for fear of some terrible retribution suffered by Erasmus. And even if I did intend to confront the black-hearted Bishop of Oxford, now I don't even have a means of returning home to England. I am lost.'

And with that Darwin started to bawl like a baby. The pirates stared at the floor, and shifted from foot to foot. They couldn't help but feel a little responsible for the scientist's predicament, on account of their scuppering his boat with all those cannonballs. The pirates had a bit of a discussion amongst themselves. Then the Pirate Captain turned to Darwin.