The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists!

9 As a warning to seafarers it was common practice in Britain and her overseas colonies to put the bodies of notorious pirates on display near the entrance to a port. Several pirates were hanged at Execution Dock on the banks of the Thames in London.

'I don't much care to be hung in irons.⁹ And that's what we've been promised if we ever set foot in England again. But we don't want to see you and your Man-panzee bested by this scoun­drel bishop you've told us about. So just as soon as we've eaten, us pirates will help you rescue

your brother, and get Mister Bobo accepted by Victorian high society and everything.'

Darwin went to plant a big kiss on the Pirate Captain's salty face, but then thought better of it and shook him by the hand. Everybody cheered, even Mister Bobo.

Five

TRAPPED IN QUICKSAND!

‘The pirates helped Darwin, FitzRoy and the crew of the Beagle shift their luggage from the slowly sinking boat.

'You'll have to sleep in a hammock, I'm afraid,' said the Pirate Captain. 'They're quite comfortable, but they can leave a criss-cross pattern on your buttocks.'

'Are you sure there's room?' asked Darwin, anxious not to be too much trouble.

'Don't worry about that. We'll make room,' said the Pirate Captain, adding with a merry wink, 'Truth is I've been meaning to have some of my pirates walk the plank for ages, I just haven't got round to it.'¹⁰

10 Plank-walking as a punishment was nothing like as common as TV and films would suggest, but there is one report from The Times of 23 July 1829 of Dutch sailors being compelled to walk the plank by pirates from Buenos Aires.

'Walk the plank? That's barbaric!' blurted out

Darwin, before remembering that pirate ways are not necessarily the ways of other men. 'I'm sorry, it's just. . . there's really no need to go to those lengths. We'll sleep standing up, like bats.'

The Pirate Captain swatted his objections away.

'Honestly, it's been far too long since we did this. Lately, if a pirate has been annoying us, we've just shaved off an eyebrow or drawn a little moustache on his face whilst he sleeps, but it's no real substitute.'

He rummaged about in a large pine box that one of the crew had fetched from the hold.

'Oh, I haven't seen those for a while!' said the Captain, pulling out a garish pair of old pirate trousers. 'What was I thinking?! Ah, here it is.'

He blew the dust off a big plank of wood. Seeing that Darwin and FitzRoy were still look­ing a bit concerned, the Pirate Captain shot them a reassuring grin.

'Listen,' he said. 'It's not like I make any old pirate take the terrible walk. Strictly fools and lubbers. It's for the good of the species.'

* * *

As soon as the pirate boat reached shark-infested waters, the Pirate Captain, with a steely glint in his eye, gave the order to drop anchor. There was a carnival atmosphere onboard once the pirates realised that there was going to be some plank-walking. Darwin and FitzRoy looked on aghast as the Pirate Captain called out the first name.

The ratty-haired pirate called Marcus was the first to go. He begged and pleaded and cried like a little girl, but a few cutlass prods from some of the other pirates soon had him edging along the narrow piece of wood. He stopped at the end, and began to blubber again, so the pirate with a scarf crept up behind him, and quickly pushed him into the sea. The remaining pirates crowded round the edge of the deck, craning their necks to see ratty-haired Marcus desperately splashing about. For a bit, nothing much happened, but all of a sudden the water around him seemed to churn and crash in on itself, there was a scream, a cracking sound, and then a cloud of red spread out like a flower over the blue sea. The cloud of

red wasn't a flower - it was blood coming out of Marcus. The pirates all gave a mighty cheer.¹¹

The other pirates singled out by the harsh but undeniably fair Pirate Captain were dispatched in similar fashion. They included: the balding archaeologist pirate called Stan; the rich pirate who tried to pass himself off as a hippy, whose name the Pirate Captain had forgotten; the pirate who had taught the Pirate Captain geog­raphy at Pirate Academy; a boring pirate from Oxford called Adam; and the stupid pirate who had got in the Pirate Captain's way when he was trying to eat pancakes. A late addition was a male model pirate whom the Pirate Captain hadn't even met.

As soon as the plank-walking was finished, the Pirate Captain pointed the boat towards England, and all the remaining pirates and

11 Despite the fearsome reputation of sharks, more people are actually killed each year by pigs. Also, sharks have no bones - their skeletons are made entirely from cartilage.

their guests went below decks for a feast. For a change the pirates had lamb instead of ham, with the usual accompaniment of green mint sauce and a salad. As a nice added touch the roast lamb was sprinkled with a little minced parsley. A few of Darwin's monkeys had also been served up as an appetiser. There had been some debate as to the best way to cook a monkey, but eventually the pirates had decided to treat the monkeys as if they were turkeys, so after the sinews had been drawn from the legs and thighs, and the monkeys carefully trussed, they were stuffed with sausagemeat and veal. It was all served with gravy and bread sauce. Too late the Pirate Captain realised that he had invited Mister Bobo to the feast, but if the crea­ture was put out at being offered a slice of his chimpanzee brethren he was far too polite to say anything.

'So ... have you been a pirate captain long?' asked Darwin, gulping down a mug of grog.

'Goodness me! Long as I can remember,' said the Pirate Captain.

'You've never considered a career as some­thing a little more orthodox?'

'I dare say I've considered it, but the fact is I'm a slave to pirating! I love it! The salty sea air, the exotic locations, the shiny gold. Especially the shiny gold.'

'I can see you're pretty good at it,' said Darwin graciously. Pirates seemed a lot more civilised than he had expected. He was unaware of the tremendous effort most of the crew were making in an attempt to eat in a respectable manner because they didn't want to look sloppy in front of visitors. Several of them were wearing their most jaunty sashes, and they had spent all day cleaning the boat from top to bottom.

'I have to say,' said Darwin, looking misty eyed, 'a part of me is quite jealous of your villain­ous lifestyle. Free from the tyranny of what society deems acceptable! Masters of your own fate! Living beyond the law! Us scientific types must seem rather dull to your piratical eyes.'

'Not at all,' said the Pirate Captain to his guest. 'I've always been interested in science. Perhaps, as a scientist, you'll be able to answer

_a question that has perplexed me for many years.'

'I'll certainly do my best.'

'Tell me - scientifically speaking - who do you think the tallest pirate in the world is?'

'Erm. It's a bit outside my field of expertise,' replied Darwin apologetically.

'Ah well. Perhaps I'm destined never to know!' said the Pirate Captain with a wistful air.

'Darwin's not the only one with a scientific theory,' said FitzRoy. 'I've been doing some fascinating work to do