'I have no money!' he snapped, grinned scornfully, and started out of the room.
I seized him by his overcoat. It was a nightmare.
'Simonov! I saw you had money, why do you refuse me? Am
I a scoundrel? Beware of refusing me: if you knew, if you knew why I'm asking! Everything depends on it, my whole future, all my plans…'
Simonov took out the money and almost flung it at me.
'Take it, if you're so shameless!' he said pitilessly, and ran to catch up with them.
I remained alone for a moment. Disorder, leftovers, a broken wine glass on the floor, spilt wine, cigarette butts, drunkenness and delirium in my head, tormenting anguish in my heart, and, finally, the servant, who had seen everything and heard everything, and kept peeking curiously into my eyes.
'There!' I cried out. 'Either they'll all fall on their knees, embrace my legs, and beg for my friendship, or… or I'll slap Zverkov's face!'
V
Here it is, here it is at last, the encounter with reality,' I muttered, rushing headlong down the stairs. 'This is no longer the Pope leaving Rome and going to Brazil; this is no longer a ball on Lake Como!'
'What a scoundrel you are,' raced through my head, 'to laugh at that now!'
'What of it!' I cried, answering myself. 'All is lost now!'
Their trail was already cold; but no matter: I knew where they had gone.
By the porch stood a lonely jack, a night coachman, in a homespun coat all dusted with the still-falling wet and as if warm snow. It was steamy and stuffy. His shaggy little piebald nag was also all dusted with snow, and was coughing - I very much remember that. I rushed to the bast-covered sled; but as I raised my foot to get in, the recollection of the way Simonov had just given me the six roubles cut me down, and I dropped into the sled like a sack.
'No! Much must be done to redeem it all!' I cried out, 'but I will redeem it, or perish on the spot this very night! Drive!'
We set off. A whole whirlwind was spinning in my head.
'Beg for my friendship on their knees - that they won't do. It's a mirage, a vulgar mirage, revolting, romantic, and fantastic; another ball on Lake Como. And therefore I must slap Zverkov's face! It's my duty. And so, it's decided; I'm flying now to slap his face.'
'Faster!'
The jack started snapping the reins.
'I'll do it as soon as I walk in. Ought I to say a few words first, as a preface to the slap? No! I'll just walk in and slap him. They'll all be sitting in the drawing room, and he'll be on the sofa with Olympia. Cursed Olympia! She laughed at my face once and refused me. I'll pull Olympia by the hair, and Zverkov by the ears! No, better by one ear, and by that ear I'll lead him around the whole room. They'll probably all start beating me and kick me out. It's even certain. Let them! Still, I slapped' him first: it was my initiative; and by the code of honor - that's everything; he's branded now, and no beating can wash away that slap, but only a duel. He'll have to fight. Yes, and let them beat me now. Let them, ignoble as they are! Trudolyubov especially will do the beating - he's so strong; Ferfichkin will fasten on from the side, and certainly grab my hair, that's sure. But let them, let them! I'm ready for it. Their sheep's noddles will finally be forced to grasp the tragic in it all! As they're dragging me to the door I'll cry out to them that in fact they're not worth my little finger.'
'Faster, coachman, faster!' I shouted to the jack. He even jumped and swung his whip. For I shouted quite wildly.
'We'll fight at dawn, that's settled. It's all over with the department. Ferfichkin said de pot ment earlier instead of department. But where to get the pistols? Nonsense! I'll take an advance on my salary and buy them. And the powder, and the bullets? That's the second's affair. But how will I manage it all before dawn? And where will I find a second? I have no acquaintances… Nonsense!' I cried, whirling myself up even more, 'nonsense! The first passer-by I speak to in the street is duty-bound to be my second, just like pulling a drowning man from the water. The most eccentric situations must be allowed for. Were I to ask even the director himself to be my second tomorrow, he, too, would have to agree out of knightly feelings alone, and keep the secret! Anton Antonych…'
The thing was that at the same moment I could see, more clearly and vividly than anyone else in the entire world, the whole, most odious absurdity of my suppositions, and the whole other side of the coin, but…
'Faster, coachman, faster, you rogue!'
'Eh, master!' said the backbone of the nation.
I suddenly felt cold all over.
'And wouldn't it be better… better… to go straight home now? Oh, my God! Why, why did I invite myself to this dinner yesterday! But no, impossible! And that three-hour stroll from table to stove? No, they, they and no one else, must pay me for that stroll! They must wash away that dishonor!'
'Faster!'
'And what if they take me to the police? Would they dare? They'd be afraid of a scandal. And what if Zverkov should refuse the duel out of contempt? That's even certain; but then I'll prove to them… Then I'll rush to the posting-house as he's leaving tomorrow, I'll grab him by the leg, I'll tear his overcoat off as he's getting into the coach. I'll fasten my teeth on his hand, I'll bite him. 'See, all of you, what a desperate man can be driven to!' Let him beat me on the head, and the rest of them from behind. I'll cry out to all the public: 'See, here's a young pup going off to charm the Circassian girls with my spit on his face!'
'After that, of course, everything's over! The department has vanished from the face of the earth. I'll be seized, I'll be taken to court, I'll be thrown out of work, put in prison, sent to Siberia, exiled. Who cares! Fifteen years later I'll drag myself after him, in rags, a beggar, when I'm let out of prison. I'll find him somewhere in a provincial capital. He'll be married and happy. He'll have a grown-up daughter… I'll say: 'Look, monster, look at my sunken
