the sight of anything; such a mood of sadness and depression had come over me! It was cold in my heart and dark in my soul, you were in my mind all the while, my httle dearie. But I set to work to copy it; I copied it clearly, legibly, only—I really don't know how to explain it—whether the devil himself muddled me, or whether it was ordained by some secret decree of destiny, or simply it had to be—^but I left out a whole line, goodness knows what sense it made, it simply made none at all. They were late with the document yesterday and only took it to his Excellency to be signed to-day. I turned up this morning at the usual hour as though nothing had happened and settled myself beside Emelyan Ivanovitch. I must observe, my own, that of late I have been more abashed and ill at ease than ever. Of late I have given up looking at anyone. If I hear so much as a chair creak I feel more dead than alive. That is just how it was to-day, I sat down like a hedgehog crouched up and shrinking into myself, so that Efim Akimovitch (there never was such a fellow for teasing) said in the hearing of all: 'Why are you sitting like a picture of misery, Makar Alexyevitch?' And he made such a grimace that everyone sitting near him and me went off into roars of laughter, and at my expense of course. And they went on and on. I put my hands over my ears, and screwed up my eyes, I sat without stirring. That's what I always do; they leave off the sooner. Suddenly I heard a noise, a fuss and a bustle; I heard —did not my ears deceive me?—^they were mentioning me, asking for me, calling Dyevushkin. My heart began shuddering within me, and I don't know myself why I was so
frightened; I only know I was panic-stricken as I had never been before in my life. I sat rooted to my chair— as though there were nothing the matter, as though it were not I. But they began getting nearer and nearer. And at last, close to my ear, they were calling, 'DyevushMn, Dyevushkin! Where is Dyevushkin?' I raised my eyes: Yevstafy Ivanovitch stood before me; he said: 'Makar Alexyevitch, make haste to his Excellency! You've made a mistake in that document!' That was all he said, but it was enough; enough had been said, hadn't it, Varinka? Half dead, frozen with terror, not knowing what I was doing, I went—why, I was more dead than ahve. I was led through one room, through a second, through a third, to his Excellency's study. I was in his presence! I can give you no exact accoimt of what my thoughts were then. I saw his Excellency standing up, they were all standing round him. I believe I did not bow, I forgot. I was so flustered that my lips were trembUng, my legs were trembling. And I had reason to be, my dear girl I To begin with, I was ashamed; I glanced into the looking-glass on the right hand and what I saw there was enough to send one out of one's mind. And in the second place, I had always tried to behave as if there were no such person in the world. So that his Excellency could hardly have been aware of my existence. Perhaps he may have heard casually that there was a clerk called Dyevushkin in the office, but he had never gone into the matter more closely.
He began, angrily: 'What were you about, sir? Where were your eyes? llie copy was wanted; it was wanted in a hurry, and you spoil it.'
At this point, his Excellency turned to Yevstafy Ivanovitch. I could only catch a word here and there: 'Negligence! Carelessness! You will get us into difficulties!' I would have opened my mouth to say something. I wanted to beg for forgiveness, but I could not; I wanted to run away, but dared not attempt it, and then . . . then, Varinka, something happened so awful that I can hardly hold my pen, for shame, even now. A button—the devil take the button—which was hanging by a thread on my uniform—suddenly flew off, bounced on the floor (I must have caught hold of it accidentally) with a jingle, the damned thing, and rolled straight to his Excellency's feet, and that in the midst of a profound silence! And that was my only justification, my sole apology, my only answer, all that I had to say to his
Excellency 1 What followed was awful. His Excellency's attention was at once turned to my appearance and my attire. I rranembered what I had seen in the looking-glass; I flew to catch the button! Some idiocy possessed mel I bent down, I tried to pick up the button—^it twirled and rolled, I couldn't pick it up—in fact, I distinguished myself by my agihty. Then I felt that my last faculties were deserting me, that everything, everything was lost, my whole reputation was lost, my dignity as a man was lost, and then, apropos of nothing, I had the voices of Teresa and Faldoni ringing in my ears. At last I picked up the button, stood up and drew myself erect, and if I were a fool I might at least have stood quietly with my hands at my sides! But not a bit of it. I began fitting the button to the torn threads as though it might hang on, and I actually smiled, actually smiled. His Excellency turned away at first, then he glanced at me again—I heard him say to Yev-stafy Ivanovitch: 'How is this? . . . Look at himl . . . What is he? . . . What sort of mcin? . . .' Ah, my own, think of that! 'What is he?' and, 'what sort of man?' I had distinguished myself! I heard Yevstafy Ivanovitch say: 'No note against him, no note against him for anjrthing, behaviour excellent, salary in accordance with his grade ...' 'Well, assist him in some way, let him have something in advance,' sa3« his Excellency. . . . 'But he has had an advance,' he said; 'he has had his salary in advance for such and such a time. He is apparently in difficulties, but his conduct is good, and there is no note, there never has been a note against him.'
My angel, I was burning, burning in the fires of hell 1 I weis dying. . . .
'Well,' said his Excellency, 'make haste and copy it again; Dyevushkin, come here, copy it over again without a mistake; and hsten ...' Here his Excellency turned to the others, gave them various instructions and they all went away. As soon as they had gone, his Excellency hurriedly took out his notebook and from it took a hundred-rouble note. 'Here,' said he, 'take it as you like, so far as I can help you, take it. . .' and he thrust it into my hand. I trembled, my angel, my whole soul was quivering; I don't know what happened to me, I tried to seize his hand to kiss it, but he flushed crimson, my darling, and—^here I am not departing one hair's breadth from the truth, my own—he took my unworthy hand and shook it, just took it and shook it, as though I had been his equal, as though I had been just such a General as himself. 'You can
go,' he said; 'whatever I can do for you . . . don't make mistakes, but there, no great harm done this time.'
Now Varinka, this is what I have decided. I beg you and Fedora, and if I had any children I should bid them, to pray every day and all our lives for his Excellency as they would not pray for their own father! I will say more, my dear, and I say it solemnly—^pay attention, Varinka—I swear that however cast down I was and afflicted in the bitterest days of our misfortunes, looking at you, at your poverty, and at myself, my degradation and my uselessness, in spite of all that, I swear that the hundred roubles is not as much to me as that his Excellency deigned to shake hands with me, a straw, a worthless drunkard! By that he has restored me to myself, by that action he has lifted up my spirit, has made my Ufe sweeter for ever, and I am firmly persuaded that, however sinful I may be before the Almighty, yet my prayers for the happiness cind prosperity of his Excellency will reach His Throne! . . .
My darling! I am dreadfully upset, dreadfully excited now, my heart is beating as though it would burst out of my breast, and I feel, as it were, weak all over.
I am sending you forty-five roubles; I am giving the landlady twenty and leaving thirty-five for ms^self. For twenty I can put my wardrobe in order, and I shall have fifteen left to go on with. But just now all the impressions of the morning have shaken my whole being, I am going to lie down. I am at peace, quite at peace, though; only there is an ache in my heart and deep down within me I feel my soul quivering, trembling, stirring.
I am coming to see you: but now I am simply drunk with
all these sensations God sees all, my Varinka, my
priceless darUng!
Your worthy friend,
Makar Dyevushkin.
September lo. My dear Makar Alexyevitch,
I am unutterably delighted at your happiness and fully appreciate the goodness of your chief, my friend. So now you will have a little respite from trouble! But, for God's sake, don't waste your money again. Live quietly and as frugally as possible, and from to-day begin to put by a little that misfortune may not find you unprepared again. For goodness' sake don't worry about us. Fedora smd I will get along some-
how. Why have you sent us so much money, Makar Alexye-vitch? We don't need it at all. We are satisfied with what we have. It is trae we shall soon want money for moving from this lodging, but Fedora is hoping to be repaid an old debt that has been owing for years. I will keep twenty roubles, however, in case of extreme necessity. The rest I send you back. Please take care of your money, Makar Alexyevitch. Good-bye. Be at peace now, keep well and happy. I would write more to you, but I feel dreadfully tired; yesterday I did not get up all day. You do well to promise to come. Do come and see me, please, Makar Alexyevitch.
V. D.
September ii. My dear Varvara Alexyevna,
I beseech you, my own, not to part from me now, now when I am quite happy and contented with everything.
