Because it didn’t sound good at all. His void was becoming a sickening chasm of emptiness.
‘A few weeks ago I’d practically given up on this happening,’ Wendy told him. ‘I can’t believe the change you’ve wrought. But now he’s content and he’s socialising and Harry’s social worker believes we need to move fast before he becomes too established. Too fond of me.’
‘And of me?’ Nick’s eyes met hers, steady and questioning, and Wendy nodded.
‘Yes.’
‘And…is it supposed to hurt?’ He closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe the pain. ‘Does it hurt you?’
‘That’s what my job is,’ she said, striving for lightness. ‘I’m accustomed to this. Take them in, love them to bits while they’re here, but then launch them out to their own families.’ She smiled. ‘I’m accustomed now. Almost. And I have the rest of the kids to worry about. For you, though…’
‘I don’t need anyone else.’
‘No?’ She smiled and cocked an eyebrow and he knew she didn’t believe him.
Change the subject. It was the only thing he could do. ‘When will this happen?’
‘As soon as possible,’ she said heavily. ‘Maybe Monday. Tomorrow’s Sunday. I’ll talk him through it and…’
‘If he objects?’
‘He’s three years old,’ Wendy told him. ‘We don’t give him a choice. I know, at the moment, Harry wants to stay in this place-with you and with me-but we’re not his long-term parents, Nick. So we need to stand aside now and let those who can love do their best.’
It was the right thing-the sensible decision-a path that would give Harry a chance at this lottery called life.
Just…why did it feel so darned bleak? And, going out, Nick met Shanni coming in.
She stopped dead at the gate as he walked out through the door. Her smile slipped and then was carefully repinned.
‘Nick,’ she said, smiling again, and there might well have been nothing between them at all. If he hadn’t seen that tiny slip… ‘You’ve been visiting Harry?’
‘Yes. Of course. I promised.’
‘Great.’ It was almost sarcastic, and the pain in her voice made him flinch. She stood aside so he could pass, and he should have kept right on going. Instead he paused. He couldn’t help himself.
‘Harry’s asleep,’ he said, and he sounded inane, even to himself.
‘I’m not here to see Harry,’ she told him. ‘Wendy’s my friend, and it’s Wendy I’ve come to see. She’s upset.’
‘Upset?’ He frowned. He hadn’t seen it. ‘Why?’
‘You’re not stupid, Nick. Because of losing Harry, of course.’
His frown deepened. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘She’s told you about the arrangements for fostering?’
‘Yes, but I thought… She’s happy with the arrangements. It’s the right thing.’
‘You don’t think she’ll miss Harry? After almost a year of trying to get through to him?’
‘I thought…’
‘That she’s tough? Don’t you believe it. She bleeds just like the rest of us.’
‘This is her job, Shanni.’
‘Yes.’ Shanni nodded, her eyes bleak. ‘It is, but there’s not many who could do it. Wendy gives and gives some more. She takes in children, battered and bruised and from all sorts of backgrounds, she loves them, she fights to get through to them, and then, when she sees they’re on their way to healing-when they’re just at the point where they can love her-she sends them off to long-term carers. She sends them away.’
He thought this one through and saw it. Saw Wendy’s need for the first time, instead of just his own. ‘I guess it must hurt at that. So…why does she do it?’ he asked slowly. ‘Open herself to hurt like that?’
‘She has courage.’ Shanni’s voice tried to be light but it didn’t quite come off. ‘She knows she’s the only chance these kids have of finding love. By hurting herself she gives them that hope.’
‘I hadn’t seen…’
‘No,’ she said bleakly, and for the first time she allowed her own hurt to show. ‘You don’t see, do you, Nick? You don’t see there are others in the world who are just as fearful as you-but who have the courage to open themselves to love.’
‘I…’
‘Goodnight, Nick. Leave others to care. You just look after yourself!’
And how could he sleep after that?
Nick spent the night staring at the ceiling and thinking of every option under the sun. And, as dawn came, he knew what he must do.
He wasn’t one of these people who could love and risk losing all. He had no place here. Shanni had been right when she’d implied he had no courage. He didn’t. He was a coward and he knew it.
So…there was nothing for it but to stop hurting people and get back to the city where he belonged.
Forget the ambition. It wasn’t so important any more. Maybe facelessness and solitude were more important than a position as high-court judge.
But Harry still needed him.
So he’d come at the weekends to visit Harry while he was needed, he told himself. That was all. On Monday he’d hand in his resignation. He’d give a month’s notice and he was out of here.
For good!
His intention stayed with him for all of the next morning. He stayed inside and tried to focus on legal journals but the pages danced before his eyes, meaningless and empty.
Wendy would be telling Harry about his new family, he thought. Maybe his new mum and dad would be visiting. How would he be taking it?
Who could know what the little boy would make of it? Wendy, though…Wendy would be hurting.
And somewhere Shanni would be aching for all of them. Enfolding them all in her huge heart and taking their pain into her. The three of them whirled through his thoughts and gave him no peace.
Harry. Wendy.
Shanni…
He was going nuts!
He was leaving.
That afternoon he walked for miles, but it didn’t help one bit. When he got back, the answering machine told him he had messages waiting, and the phone rang again as he walked in the door. For some reason, as he lifted the receiver, he had a sudden lurch of dread…
‘Nick?’
‘Shanni…’ He didn’t need more than one syllable to know she was in trouble. Something was dreadfully wrong.
So much for not caring. Ha! His heart twisted in fear. ‘Shanni, what is it?’
‘Harry’s not with you?’
‘No. Why should he be?’
‘Dear, God… Nick, he’s run away. Wendy told him about the foster-parents and he took it on the chin-you know, like he does-not saying anything but just looking straight ahead. But looking like he’s blind. She said that Helen and Doug, his new prospective parents, were coming to see him this afternoon. That was all. Then one of the other children grazed her knee. Wendy took her into the bathroom to clean her up and when she finished he wasn’t there.’
‘Then, where…?’
‘That’s just it, we don’t know,’ Shanni said raggedly. ‘Nick, we’ve all looked. Everyone’s looking. We’ve been trying to contact you for hours but I knew you wouldn’t have him without telling Wendy. The police are here now- Rob-everyone. Oh, Nick…’
Her breathing was way too fast, as if she’d been running. ‘Nick, does Harry know where you live? Have you ever
