CHAPTER TEN
NICK spent the next four weeks throwing himself into work as he’d never worked in his life before.
He rearranged the courthouse. He set up a new filing system. He put in a new computer and sat up until after midnight every night entering data as if it was vital the thing was up and running a week ago last Friday.
He ignored the mayoral ball and suffered the consequences-especially since at least twelve people told him that Shanni had been there and had looked lovely and had danced all night…
His court cases became protracted. He didn’t miss a legal point and the local lawyers and police sighed and cut back their lunch-breaks and wondered how long this could last.
‘Because you might want to drive yourself to an early grave but I don’t see why you should take the rest of us with you,’ Mary said darkly. ‘Just because you’ve messed up your love life…’
‘I have not messed up my love life,’ Nick retorted, throwing his gown aside after a torrid little traffic case that he’d managed to stretch out to two hours of court time. ‘You know nothing of my personal life and that’s the way I like it.’
‘That’s the way you like it? Ha!’
‘You don’t know…’
‘Hey, I’m a sister to the other side of the equation,’ she told him. ‘I can see both sides. So I see you trying to fill every available minute with work and I see Shanni going around with dark shadows under her eyes like she hasn’t slept for a week.’
Ouch. That hurt.
It couldn’t matter. She’d just have to get over it, Nick told himself savagely, and she seemed to be trying hard enough. And it was better to hurt her now than later as he tried to mould himself into something he could never be.
A family man.
‘You love her, you know,’ Mary said conversationally, watching his face. ‘Why not give in and admit it?’
He had. That was just the problem. He’d admitted that fact to himself and then some. He did love her, and if he didn’t love her he wouldn’t be so darned scared of hurting her.
And he wouldn’t know how much she deserved someone better.
There was still Harry.
Harry was his saving grace-his time of peace. With Harry, he’d made his commitment. He was forced to spend time with him-forced to take every evening he could and head to Wendy’s to read him a bedtime story, or take him to the beach after work, or walk along the cliff tops, hand in hand, a peaceful silence between them.
It was a weird relationship. Nick knew Wendy was watching it with satisfaction and it perturbed him-he felt her expectations of him were unjustified-but Harry took him at face value and asked nothing more than that he’d be there for him.
He was content to give that much, and the less Harry asked of him, the more he found he was prepared to give. As the weeks wore on, he found himself automatically walking down to the children’s home each evening- because Harry’s face would light up when he saw him. If he didn’t arrive, there was no recrimination the next night, but Harry’s pleasure was intensified.
And so was the pleasure for Nick. To his astonishment he found himself thinking about the little boy during the day-figuring out what they could do that evening-wandering past the book store, hesitating and then going in to choose a story…
Different stuff. Not like Nick Daniels at all…
It helped fill the ache left by Shanni. The ache of knowing what he was missing.
But it didn’t fill it completely. Nothing could fill that void, but he was accepting that the darkness of his void was there for ever.
‘You’ve achieved a miracle.’
It was four weeks after the Melbourne trip. Four weeks after Shanni… Nick had finished reading Harry his bedtime story and had emerged to find Wendy alone. For once she wasn’t surrounded by children. She motioned to the coffee pot, waited until he was settled and then repeated herself.
‘What you’ve done for Harry, Nick…well, it is like a miracle.’
‘I’ve done nothing.’
‘Nonsense. You’ve given him a friend.’
‘He’s been one to me.’ It was true, and it gave Nick a shock to hear himself say it. A friend…
He wasn’t into friends. Or…not friends like Harry. Not friends he loved.
‘Then maybe Harry’s done as much for you as you have for him,’ Wendy said gently, and watched his face.
‘I don’t know what you mean.’
‘I mean…until now you’ve been as solitary as Harry. You don’t need to be, you know. It’s simply a matter of letting go. Releasing a part of you and trusting it to someone you love.’
And suddenly they weren’t talking about Harry.
Or maybe they were. The feelings she was talking of… It was crazy. Entrusting part of him to Harry… He’d never do that.
But as he sat there, with Wendy’s calm eyes resting on him, making him think, he knew suddenly that he was wrong to believe he could never do it. Because…somehow he’d done it already. He’d given a part of himself to a child.
The thought was like a lightning bolt. Until now he hadn’t been involved at all. Not one whit. He’d so carefully cut himself free of all ties, but now, with Harry, he was involved, whether he liked it or not.
And with Shanni…
It was fear, he thought suddenly. That was what was driving him. Up until now he’d figured it was consideration for Shanni that was hauling him back-worry that he’d hurt her more than he had already. Maybe it was-partly-but it was more than that.
If he took the next step to loving and something happened…
He wasn’t ready. He was scared.
‘Hey, Nick.’ Wendy’s hand came over his, warm and reassuring. ‘There’s no need to have angst over this. Take this one step at a time. You’ve given Harry so much. Don’t push yourself.’
‘Shanni…’
‘I guess Shanni knows you need space,’ she said gently. ‘And maybe she’s prepared to wait.’
He shook his head. ‘That’s stupid. I’m not…’
‘Not ready to talk about it? That’s fine by me.’ She lifted his empty mug from his hands and moved across to the sink. And then her shoulders stiffened, as if she was bracing herself for something unpleasant. ‘But we do need to talk about Harry.’
‘Harry?’ He stared. ‘Why?’
‘We think he’s ready for fostering.’
‘Fostering?’
‘He can’t stay here long-term,’ Wendy told him, turning back to face him, trouble in her eyes. ‘This is a temporary refuge for troubled and orphaned kids. It’s not a stable home and that’s what Harry desperately needs. He’s been here too long already.’ She sat again, facing him with eyes that were suddenly sad. It was as if she knew that Nick’s need was almost as great as Harry’s, but the little boy must come first.
‘We have a couple who are willing to take Harry on as a long-term foster-child,’ she told him gently. ‘Maybe they’ll even adopt him if it turns out okay. Normally if a child is available for adoption we like to do it straight away, but in Harry’s case we’ve hesitated. As you know, we didn’t consider him ready. But now…’
‘Yes?’ Why was his world suddenly bleak.
‘We’re still not sure if he’ll handle adoption. We suspect he won’t, straight off. He distrusts the world, and he needs space. But he trusts you now, he trusts you totally, and if you were to keep the link…’
‘How do you mean?’
‘I mean, if we move him to local foster-parents and you keep visiting…then slowly back off. Not so much as he’ll notice straight away, but just gradually cut back…so that in two years when you return to the city he’s not bereft. He’ll have parents by then, and hopefully they’ll have taken your place and more.’
‘It sounds good to me,’ Nick said, trying to keep his voice light. Trying really hard…
