‘I won’t forget,’ Shanni said, and she gave Harry a hug-and Nick was sort of included somewhere in the hug because, after all, he was holding Harry. ‘Tim’s a part of our family. We’ve adopted him-so how can we possibly forget?’
But Nick said nothing. Shanni gave him one long, searching look as her heart sank still further-and then she turned and followed her sister.
Because Nick’s face told her she wasn’t welcome to follow him.
He was nuts.
Nick settled Harry back with Wendy, promised him he’d visit on Tuesday night and again on Thursday, left him excitedly telling Wendy all about his new friend, Tim Meerkat, and then tried to drive home.
He couldn’t. He physically couldn’t turn the wheels of his car toward the courthouse.
Shanni was with her family, and there was a huge part of him that wanted to be right there. Part of the McDonald clan.
Part of a family.
But if he took this next step then he knew he couldn’t walk away. As he could no longer walk away from Harry.
Shanni…
The car slowed. He’d been automatically steering toward the farm, but now he turned off onto the coast road. Neither way, then. Not home and not to Shanni.
This was tearing him in two, he thought bitterly-to separate from Shanni now-but how could he take this next step?
It scared him stupid.
He couldn’t just leave it there, he knew. Her face at the railway station had been shocked into stillness. She’d taken it without flinching, but he knew he’d hurt her.
Of course you’ve hurt her, he told himself savagely. You made love to her. And now…now she needs commitment. She deserves nothing less.
As she was committed.
She’d let him take her to him, he thought-she’d let him love her, and all the love in the world had been written clearly in her eyes. Sure, she’d said she didn’t intend him to take things further, but Nick was no fool, and somehow he knew her as he knew himself.
Or maybe more so. Maybe he couldn’t know himself as he knew Shanni, and that was one of the reasons he loved her. Shanni had no ghosts in her past to rise and haunt him. No shadows that screamed
So he steered his car onto the headland and sat for hours staring straight out to sea-and staring right within himself, searching deeper than he’d ever looked before.
If he let himself take the love Shanni had to offer…
He’d be taking and taking and taking, he told himself bitterly. What could he offer a girl like this? He had no family, he had no deep well of love; he had only his own insecurities and needs.
And one of those needs-cultivated from the time he’d been able to recognise any world at all-was the need to hold himself apart.
If he drove out to the McDonalds’ home now, he’d be welcomed with open arms, he knew, and he also knew he’d feel so claustrophobic he’d want to run. Because they’d expect things of him. Expect him to open his heart as Shanni had opened hers.
No!
He’d hurt her already, he told himself. Hurt her maybe unforgivably. But if he didn’t intend to take this loving further, then the time to move on was right now.
But… Dear heaven, he had to tell her.
‘Shanni.’
The hubbub was fading. Her family were still in party mode, but Louise and Mary were talking bridal plans, the men were out on the verandah talking ‘men’s talk’-or getting away from talk of veils and guest lists-and the younger McDonalds were drifting reluctantly toward bed. Shanni was inclined to join them. Her mother had been eyeing her with concern for a good while now, but Shanni had deflected her nicely. Sort of.
She knew her mother couldn’t be deflected for ever.
All eyes flew to Shanni.
Her colour mounted. Drat her family. Drat them all… Nick must have heard that yell-he could have heard it in the next county at the level Hatty yelled.
There was nothing for it. With the eyes of her entire family following her, Shanni went to talk to her gorgeous magistrate.
‘Shanni…’
And as soon as she heard his voice she knew what he intended saying. She’d known it from the railway station but until this minute she’d hoped…she’d sort of hoped…
She’d desperately hoped!
‘Nick…’
‘Shanni, I’m sorry…’
She turned her back to the kitchen, blocking her family out entirely. ‘Nick, can we talk? Privately?’ It was an urgent plea but she knew already what he’d say.
‘There’s no point.’
‘Nick…’
‘I’ve behaved like a rat,’ he said heavily. ‘I should never have let you come near me. To just…take you…’
‘We both wanted it,’ she said steadily. ‘I wanted it as much as you.’
‘I can’t take this any further,’ he told her, and Shanni heard the pain in his voice and she wanted to slam the receiver down before the words were uttered. She knew what he was going to say, but she couldn’t stop him. And here it came.
‘You’re a wonderful woman,’ he said softly. ‘Magic. Shanni, you deserve better than me.’
‘You don’t think I could be the judge of that?’ She was fighting with everything she had. There was no room for pride here. There was only her love.
‘Shanni, I’ve been alone for a long time now.’
‘Too long.’
‘Maybe. But…it’s what I’m accustomed to.’
‘But not because it’s what you want. You’re afraid to be anything else.’
‘Yes,’ he said honestly. ‘That’s the truth, Shanni. But that’s who I am.’
‘You won’t walk away from Harry?’ Her voice rose, fear flooding through for the child, and when he answered she sagged against the passage wall in some sort of relief.
‘No, Shanni. I won’t do that. While Harry needs me I’ll be there for him.’
‘And…if I need you?’ She tried so hard to keep her voice strong-but there was raw pain coming through and Nick must have heard it. His breath was raw with jagged need-a need he couldn’t acknowledge even to himself.
‘I…I don’t think you can,’ he said at last. ‘I think…needing me is really, really stupid thing. Because there’s nothing I can give.’
And, after that, there was nothing more to do than to get on with their lives.
Apart.
