what I was going to do without the lists. Paul disappeared
into his office and shut the door, and I let out the sigh I'd
been holding.
Anger shook my fingers as I typed. What a fool Eric had
been! He'd asked for discipline and from the start he'd
made a mess of it! Turning in his essay late, not folowing
the lists. Why had he bothered? Why had he wasted his
mistress's time? Because there was no doubt in my mind
any longer the sender of the notes had been a woman al
along.
Men weren't so eloquent. Men weren't so perfectly cold in
dispensing their instructions even as they drew forth an
emotional response. Only women could dig so deep and
pul out so much.
I typed faster, making mistakes and going back to fix them
because I'd be damned if I turned in faulty work and gave
Paul a reason to judge me. From behind his half-closed
door I heard the music swel, but he didn't change the
station. The lights didn't come on, either. I concentrated on
my tasks, but today they gave me no satisfaction.
Fuck!
I sat back in my chair, muttering. Nothing satisfied me, and
I understood why. It wasn't only because the notes were
going to end, it was because I'd solved at least half the
mystery. I knew who the notes were for, if not who was
sending them. And knowing, I couldn't stop thinking about
it.
If I hadn't found out it was Eric, a man. If that hadn't
changed my perception of what it meant to be on the
receiving end of the lists. If. If. If!
'Paige?' Paul caled. 'Can I see you in here for a minute?'
He certainly could, though I doubted he'd be as thriled
with quiet, subservient little Paige as he'd been. I pushed
back from my desk and stood tal in my expensive shoes.
The list had told me to buy these shoes. This blouse and
skirt. My armor, what I put on when I wanted the world to
see me as who I wanted to be and not who they might
think I was.
'Yes, Paul.'
For the first time in many weeks, I didn't sit to talk to him.
He had to tilt his chair back a little to look up at me. I
noticed the difference, and I thought he did, too, because
when he spoke he sounded a little uncertain.
'Thank you for setting up my office.'
'You're welcome.'
I thought he would say more, but Paul just turned his
attention back to his computer and dismissed me with his
silence. I had time to think of what it meant when I went
back to my own desk, but I didn't care enough to bother.
