and acts like he's on the witness stand he just can't think of anything to say or ask then chances are his intense reaction is a sign he's just not all that good with children. Similarly, if he's completely defenseless against the powers of the wicked little kids who are liked by no one but their mother, then that's a potential problem, too. The guy who can't hold his own in those situations who can't use humor or compassion or square his shoulders in a take-charge way to de.ect any attempts by the kids to do damage or harm to him may have some issues, too. After all, you want your potential man to be able to be, well, a man around your kids someone who can take charge when the kids act like fools and they need a man to set them straight. Kids, after all, respect authority.
All of this, of course, will tell you a lot about this guy about the kind of father he'd be. If he's comfortable with the kids, can entertain as well as give them advice, and give you solid advice on how to troubleshoot, too, then he's showing you the traits of a potentially good father.gure for your child. Likewise, when he sees you with your children nurturing them, feeding them, and keeping all of their needs satis.ed, you're showing him not only that you're a good mother to your own children, but that you're potential mother material for any children he already has, and any babies you two might make together.
Sure, how your kids feel about this guy should count for something, too. Children have an uncanny ability to pick up on when human beings mean them well or harm; if they're younger, they have no ulterior motives about not liking someone, especially if you introduce him as my friend Mr. So-and-So, just like you would any female friend of yours. But know, too, that if your child's father is in your kid's life, your child may not necessarily have the most warm and fuzzy feelings about the new guy and that's natural. In these cases, your child isn't exactly going to make it easy for the new man to get close quickly. But this isn't necessarily going to scare a man off. (First off, how would a grown man look being scared off by a child? If he runs, let him.) Oh, the new guy might raise an eyebrow or two if he keeps running into problems with Little Chucky if on the.rst date, Chucky forgoes a handshake for a swift kick to the shin, and on the second date, the little monster purposely rides his bicycle up the side of the new man's ride, and on the third date, he accidentally spills his fruit punch all over your man's nice white linen suit. But if you're worth it, he's going to stick it out and see if Chucky is truly insane, or if he simply keeps catching him on his bad days. He'll try harder to win Chucky over, and give the relationship more time to assess whether Chucky is bearable.
And teenagers? Oh, men don't even see them as a problem; no man walks into a situation thinking they're going to be best friends with the teenager in the house. Even their biological parents can't stand teenagers, and vice versa, sometimes, so the odds are low that the new man is going to have a kumbaya moment with a sulking, hulking, attitudinal older child. The beauty of teenagers, though, is that they tend to make themselves invisible. As a result, your new man might actually be able to focus on your relationship without the distraction of a misbehaving kid. But a man who genuinely wants to be in your life will try to be a part of your teenager's life he won't be deterred. He's expecting that a teenager will be a jerk to him. What he'll try to determine is whether the jerkiness is an act to be mean, or if that's truly who this kid is.
Now, we all understand your need as a mother to protect the emotions of your children and your reluctance to let them get attached to someone you can't guarantee won't disappear and take your kids' hearts with him. Likewise, we understand how important it is for you to not look like you're fast and loose, running men all through the house like your living room is a bus stop. We also know this violates every single rule you've had hammered into your head about such introductions. But my goodness, I'm not talking about bringing everybody to the house. I'm talking about the guy that you think might be serious about you. And don't worry about whether he's going to think you're trying to trap him or you're just looking for some sucker to take up where your kids' daddy failed. Single moms all over the planet have convinced themselves, with their natural instincts as nurturers and protectors in full gear, that bringing men they've just met around the kids is unsafe. But, ladies, here's a secret: that's exactly what the players who wrote the rule book you've been following want you to believe. Women live under that fear because the men intent on playing the game tricked you into thinking this way; as long as you believe it, we get to keep the game alive until we get what we want, without any obligations.
If you really want a good man in your life, if you've asked God to give you a family, you've got to stop all this foolishness and introduce this man to your kids so you can.gure him out. The sincere men among us know that women with kids are a package deal, and we'll understand that you are a mother with obligations to your kids.rst, especially if you lay that out up front. Tell us straight up: I'm not just looking for a mate for myself; I'm trying to form a union with a man who will be willing to be the head of this family. You know what a declaration such as that is? That, sweetheart, is a requirement. You've told him in a nice, not-so-subtle-but-sweet way that the only way a man is going to be a part of your life is if he agrees to be a part of your children's lives, too. A real man is going to be okay with that because you've told him that if he's going to be a part of your life, you and the kids are a package deal, and that he will get dismissed quickly if you feel like he's not right for or good to the kids. With that information, with your requirements so clearly laid out, he's going to either run for the hills, or try to.gure out how to make this thing work. Go ahead, invite him to come with you and the kids to the zoo, or invite him over to your mom's house for a family barbecue. See what he says what he does. If he says, Nah, I ain't going over there, I got to watch Monday Night Football, and it's Saturday, then guess what? He's probably not the one for you. Usually, how a relationship starts is a good sign of how it's going to end up, and if a man starts out not interested in your family, what makes you think that after you sleep with him, he's going to suddenly develop an affection for your family? But if he brings a game of Scrabble or Monopoly over to the house and sits down on the.oor and plays for an hour or he invites you and your family to join him on an outing, then he just might be a keeper.
For those of you who are thinking strictly from a safety standpoint, please know that I'm not telling you to bring a man you hardly know into your house and leave him sitting there with your kids, unsupervised. Of course, when someone you're just getting to know is in your home near your kids, you're going to sit there the whole time, watching. What's he going to do touch your daughter on the thigh while you're sitting on the couch right next to her? Or put your son in a choke hold at the dinner table? Be realistic: no man is going to walk in your house and abuse anyone with you sitting nearby. And if you're that concerned about bringing a man into your house, you can always go to a public place somewhere where plenty of people will be able to eyeball what's going on and give a detailed accounting to the authorities if he steps out of line and you have to chop him in the neck.
For those of you who are dating men with children, don't expect him to introduce the kids early, necessarily, because wherever his child is, most likely his child's mother isn't too far away. And the last thing he needs or wants is for his kid to run back to his ex talking about the nice lady Daddy had over to the house; next thing you know, his ex is laying down the new custody terms, which do not include having her baby around any strange woman she hasn't previously ran a background check on and authorized, especially if that woman is trying to lay up in her ex's house. So a man with children from a previous relationship recognizes he needs to ration out the female encounters with his kids if he wants to try to keep a modicum of peace with his ex and actually see his kids again. If you're not somebody he's trying to have around for any amount of time, he's not going to waste his girl-encounter ration on you, knowing that you're not worth the grief he's going to suffer when his children go back and tell their mommy he had a woman in the house. He's decided in his mind you're not worth it.
If he asks you to meet the kids, thereby using one of his girlencounter rations, be sure of this: he's decided you're worth the pain he'll have to suffer when the ex hears about it.
How will he let you know which category you.t in? If after, say, your.fth date he's still telling you, By the way, we have to go out on Sunday because this Saturday is my time with the kids and it's the only time I have with them, so… then he doesn't want you around them he's telling you you're not worth the potential headache. But if he says something like I got the kids this Saturday, how about we go to the beach or the park? then he's thinking he can.gure out how to deal with the ex later right now, he wants nothing more than to be with you and the kids.
Want to smoke out whether he's got good father potential or not? The following list isn't foolproof, but it will certainly give you some food for thought about the things you should be taking into account as you consider whether this man is right for your kids or if you should take the kids and run in the other direction.
He tells you he likes kids, and actually would like to have one someday.
He expresses interest in meeting your children.
He shows up to the house with gifts for the kids. (Of course, if he brings an Xbox for Mikey and disappears for a few hours, then that might be a problem.)
He lets the children see that he sincerely respects and likes (and even loves) their mother.
He makes a kid-friendly date with you and invites your children along.
He takes you and the kids to church.
He has a good job and a solid work history.
