qualify for the bene.ts, and I guarantee you'll have a better man on your hands and in your bed. And once you're satis.ed he's worthy of the bene.ts, you can pass it out like sandwiches at a picnic.
Hold on, I know what you're thinking: you're thinking that if he doesn't get sex from you, he'll go and get it somewhere else, and you will have lost out on that one chance to get him to be your man or he'll think you're playing games if you make him wait, and he'll move on to the next woman who's willing to take him into her bed.
Wrong.
In fact, one of those mind tricks we've been playing on women since the beginning of time is to convince you all that waiting doesn't matter, that giving it up early and quick is the way to go. Listen to me: if we could convince you that you should strip naked and get to it within the.rst.ve minutes of our.rst meeting, we would. This is not a secret: men love and want sex, and will try (within reason) to get it by any means necessary.
But guess what? He. Can. Wait. Yes, of course you run the risk of scaring him off, but isn't the guy who sleeps with you without any obligation to you, or consideration of your wants, needs, and emotional well-being, the one you want to go away? Isn't reserving something that special for a man who earns it more of a bene.t to you? You have the power to make him wait to prove to you that he deserves your love and affection. The Power. Just think of it this way: when it comes to having sex with a woman, we men don't decide a thing. We don't determine when we're going to sleep with you that decision is yours. The decision of when we get to kiss you is yours. When we let go of each other's hug and embrace? That decision is yours. We put our hands somewhere on your body other than your shoulder and you decide if we can keep touching that place or if we gotta let it go. Our job is to convince you to give it to us to allow us to touch it, let us have it. But the decision on whether we actually get to have it is Y. O. U. R. S.
Don't give up that power. Keep it. You only give up that power when the man has earned it, and he is going to respect it and do something with it.
That's the truth.
Women have crumbled empires with that power. Cleopatra helped destroy Rome. Read your Bible: we're still in a jam right now because of Eve. Women have always had that kind of power, and you do, too including making the man you're dating wait for the bene.ts. Oh, I'm not saying you can't pay the man; payment comes along the way during that ninety-day probationary period. You can hug, kiss, talk on the phone, go for a walk in the park, have an ice cream cone together, go out for dinner. Your time is a form of payment. When we're out to dinner with you, you can't imagine how we feel when we're looking forward to meeting you and you show up with your lip gloss shining, your eyes seductively made up, and your hair whether it's blown out, in a weave, or natural is lovely, and your body gleaming. I cannot tell you the ful.llment we have in knowing that we've secured your time. And to be seen in public with you is a bonus; it's all the af.rmation we need. The payment is incredible.
Hugging? Payment.
Kissing? Payment.
You getting dressed up? Payment.
Going out with us? Payment.
Exchanging explicit e-mails? Payment.
But if he wants to sleep with you make babies and have a family? Those are bene.ts.
So he's got ninety days on the job to prove himself worthy ninety days in which you can.gure this man out. You're an investigator can't nobody.nd stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street. You know how to.nd stuff out about a man he may not have even known about himself. So get to it. Create some scenarios so you can.gure out just who this guy is, and whether he's good enough for your bene.ts. Here are a few things you might want to.nd out.
Maybe your car broke down, or the water heater is about to give its last breath, or your kids are acting up and you can't get a handle on them. You're exhausted and the stress is showing on your face he can hear it in your voice. If he asks you, What's the matter? that's a good start. He's been around you long enough to know when you're not your normal self. That's progress. But now, if you answer him with, My car broke down and I don't have the money to.x it right now so I'm just a little worried about how I'm going to get to work tomorrow, and he says, Okay, well, call me when you.gure it out, you can scratch him off the bene.ts list. Be clear: you're not asking him for money to get the car.xed. You're just trying to see if he's going to probe deeper, and.nd out if there's anything he can do to help, whether it's to give you some advice on how to.x the problem, or step in to help you.x it. Did he offer to get up an hour earlier so he could drive you to work while your car is in the shop? Or give you the number to a guy who can.x your car for a deep discount? Did he offer to get up under the hood and take a look himself? Or tell you about his friend who owns a car shop and might be willing to do a favor for him and you?
Real men extend themselves to women they care about. If you have a problem and your man does not extend himself he doesn't try to make it better this is not a good candidate for bene.ts.
Now that other man, the one who'll scoot on the ground on his back with the toolbox, and come back out hours later with car grease all over his shirt and hands and face from trying to.x your raggedy car? That's the one who might deserve a cold beer and later on, some bene.ts.
Let's say an ex of yours is starting to call again, and it's making you uncomfortable because the breakup was particularly nasty and you just don't want to go down that road with him again. You tell the new guy you're bothered by this and are not sure how to make the ex just go away. A bene.ts-worthy man will immediately launch into.x-it mode he will see what he can do to (a) stop the guy from calling, and (b) get you to feel safe again. He might tell you something like, Next time he calls, let me talk to him. That's a little extreme, but there are some men who will get on the line and let the last ex know to mind his place. Or your new man may give you suggestions for how to deal with the unwanted phone calls; he might tell you to block his number or put a special ring on the phone so you know who it is when the phone rings, maybe even give you a few words to say to this guy to make him stop calling. This is a pressure situation; it doesn't require an action, but a reaction. If the new guy says something like, I just can't get into all of this, then he's not a good candidate for bene.ts. You're going to be in pressure situations in your relationship time and time again, and you should know up front, right now, if this guy is ready to handle it. If he goes into protect or.x-it mode, then he envisions you as his woman. And he just might be worth the bene.ts.
Say you lose a loved one someone really close to you. A man who has plans for you will immediately offer some form of comfort and help so that you can take the time to grieve. He might ask you if he can take your kids out for a couple of hours so you can have some time to yourself, or he might ask you if he can go with you to the funeral home to be with you while you see about the funeral arrangements, and so that he can express his condolences to your family. Note, ladies, he's probably not going to want to sit there and let you retrace your childhood and reminisce about the.rst time your deceased loved one pushed you on the swing; that's not about to happen it's not what men do. But a real man will respond with some kind of solution he will do what he can to help you stop crying, because no man wants to see his woman crying. If this man is not comforting if he's not coming up with some solutions to help you feel better, then he needs to be.red. He has no rights to the bene.ts.
A man who is worthy of the bene.ts will be there for you no matter what bad circumstance comes along. If you lose your job or fall behind on some payments because you had a huge and unexpected.nancial situation to deal with, he'll recognize your need for help and rise to the occasion, whether it's giving you a little extra cash to make the minimum payment on your bills, stopping by with a few bags of groceries, or.lling your gas tank.
Let's just get right to the crux of this whole chapter: when a man asks for sex, and he is told no, his reaction to that no will tell you everything you need to know about him. If the phone calls cease or become infrequent, the.owers stop coming, the dating slows down, please understand that this man was just in it for the sex. If he says something stupid, such as, I don't need to wait for sex I can get it from anybody, you tell him right back, Please do. This cuts the riffraff away right away. But if your saying no doesn't deter him, and he continues to try to get to know you better and prove to you that he's worthy of your bene.ts, then he's really, truly interested in you. Don't get me wrong: he's still interested in the sex. But he's also interested in knowing how you feel and what time frame you're working on. Then the relationship becomes about what you want what your needs are. And that's what you're after, right?
It's that simple.
Now, I realize that ninety days sounds like a lot of time and you kinda need to be real creative to keep his attention on you and your new relationship. So I came up with a list of things you can do with your man to help you
