because that would be nothing more than blind hope. Before you know it, you'll be.nding out the hard way that this isn't the guy for you, and you'll be starting all the conversations with your girlfriends like this: You know, I slept with him and he's not about anything, I don't even know if he likes kids… Don't let this happen. Empower yourself it's your right to know all of these answers up front; per my ninety-day rule, which you'll discover in the next chapter, you need to ask these questions within the.rst few months of a courtship. If you're already in a relationship with someone, these questions are still valid if you don't know the answers. You can ask them for clari.cation. Or you may need to ask them with the hope that they'll solidify what you may already know either that you need to get out of your relationship or that you are headed in the right direction. His answers may help you cut your losses, before you invest too many more years in a relationship that isn't going the way you want it to go. Or they may make you say, Wow, I'm glad I'm with this man. Know, too, that though we'll answer the questions because we like talking about ourselves, our answers just may make us consider the woman who's asking the questions in a different light. We de.nitely want to know where our women stand on these issues, too, but we're not going to bring it up especially if our intentions for you aren't pure. But in your conversations around these issues, your man just might learn something about you, too, something that makes him know he's got a pretty solid woman on his side. Say, for instance, he tells you that he wants to be an engineer and he's going to night school to get his degree, and you tell him that you have a few friends who are engineers and you can offer to introduce him to them so that they can give some helpful advice as he works toward his new career. When you offer that helping hand, he starts to think, Wow, this woman is interested in my goals and ambitions. She's offering to help me out. Maybe she might be the one to get me to the next level. And he might just envision including you in those next level plans.
See, you're getting information from him and plugging yourself into all these slots do I see myself in his short- term plans, his long-term plans, as a part of his family, having babies with him, helping him continue a solid relationship with his mom, being a role-model dad for our kids, the whole picture? But it's a two-way street: know that this guy you're quizzing is listening to these intelligent, inquisitive questions, and calculating whether you're a woman who is his keeper or just a sports.sh.
11
Nineteen seventy-seven it was a good year. I was living in Cleveland, I had a two-bedroom apartment, brand spanking new. I hadn't quite gotten the car I wanted, but I was working on it. And I had a job at the Ford motor plant. They had a high hourly wage there, and overtime more money than a man of my stature could dream of making. But more important, Ford had bene.ts. Thing is, you had to be on the job for a while to get them. Oh, you could get a paycheck, but you could not get the bene.ts; and as far as any of the full-time regulars on the line were concerned, you were not in until you had the bene.ts. Ford's policy was that you had to work at least ninety days before they'd cover your health insurance; this was the plant management saying to me, we will provide you bene.ts after you have proven to me you are worthy work hard, show up on time, follow your supervisor's orders, and get along with your co-workers for ninety days, and then you can get dental and medical coverage. You can get your eyes checked, no problem. Your hernia could bust and we will take care of you. We will take care of your kids' teeth and eyes, and if you've got a woman, she can get glasses and crowns on her teeth if she needs them, and any more babies you have with your lady after this, we're going to take care of them, too. Your whole family will be covered. We are going to provide you with a bene.t package.
And you know something? All of this made perfect sense to me. I was being challenged to show everybody at the plant that I was serious, and ready and able to work hard for both the salary and the right to have them pay my medical and dental expenses and as a man, I needed and wanted to prove that I was up for the challenge and worthy of the reward. I agreed 100 percent with what the Ford Motor Company was saying to me, and so I signed on the dotted line. I wanted to be a part of the Ford family.
The.rst day I got paid, the supervisor came through and said, Here's your check, appreciate you coming. The check was cool, but I wasn't making an appointment at the doctor's of.ce anytime soon. If I got a toothache hell, if both of my front teeth were loose and about to fall clean out of my mouth there wouldn't be any dentist appointments for ninety days, because Ford had already said I had to prove myself to the people who signed the checks in order to get the extras the perks.
It was a really simple equation: work hard, prove yourself, get the bene.ts.
And guess what? It's the same way with jobs in the government, places like the post of.ce, the DMV and even in some corporations. You have got to prove yourself to get the good stuff, the extras, the bene.ts.
So if Ford and the government won't give a man bene.ts until he's been on the job and proven himself, why, ladies, are you passing out bene.ts to men before they've proven themselves worthy? Come on now, you know what the bene.ts are. I'm not talking about being nice to him, or cooking for him, or going out to dinner with him, or helping him pick out an out.t, or bringing him around your mother. Those are things that happen during the course of a budding relationship you do special things for each other because you care. By bene.ts, in case you haven't.gured it out, I'm talking about sex. And if you're giving your bene.ts to a guy who's only been on the job for a week or two, you're making a grave mistake.
You don't know this man not much about him, anyway.
He doesn't know you.
He hasn't proven himself.
And he could walk off the job at any time.
And you'll have no one but yourself to blame.
Think about it: the.rst guy you slept with quicker than ninety days where is he? I'm willing to bet that you're probably not with him. True, there are some people out there somewhere who had sex early in the relationship and are still together to this very day, but that's rare. More likely than not, a guy who gets bene.ts early in a relationship, without having to put in work or prove himself, leaves and moves on to a committed relationship with a woman who puts him through some type of probationary period to.nd out more about him. I'm sure that woman laid out the rules the requirements early on, and let her intended know that he could either rise up to those requirements, or just move on.
A directive like that signals to a man that you are not a plaything someone to be used and discarded. It tells him that what you have your bene.ts are special, and that you need time to get to know him and his ways to decide if he deserves them. The man who is willing to put in the time and meet the requirements is the one you want to stick around, because that guy is making a conscious decision that he, too, has no interest in playing games and will do what it takes to not only stay on the job, but also get promoted and be the proud bene.ciary of your bene.ts. And you, in the meantime, win the ultimate prize of maintaining your dignity and self-esteem, and earning the respect of the man who recognized that you were worth the wait.
Of course, you've got to use your ninety days wisely; a probationary period means nothing if you're not putting this guy through the paces. During that ninety-day period, you should be checking him out does he come when he says he's going to come; does he call when he's going to be late; does he like and care about your friends and, if you have them, your children; does he express his joy at being in your presence? Most important, is this really a man with whom you can see yourself in a committed relationship? Or do you see signs that make your God-given intuition kick in? You know how it goes: you haven't been invited over to his house, you only have the cell phone number, he won't answer his phone when you're in the room or he takes hushed calls in the corner where you can't hear what's being said he tells you he's dating other women, or, somehow, you just know he is. These are tendencies you can't possibly see in a man you've dated for less than ninety days because guess what? The guy who is dating you just to get the bene.ts up front is going to be on his best behavior in the beginning, speci.cally so he can make you think he's worthy. But just as sure as time is going to come and go, he'll eventually show his true nature.
Give it at least ninety days, and you can smoke all of that out of him, so that you can be sure that this guy is the right man for you. After all, it's your right to want what you want and to actually get it. Put yourself.rst: ask the.ve questions (as mentioned in the previous chapter), withhold the bene.ts, and demand the respect. If you have a high level of respect for yourself, you're automatically going to command that respect from a man. Make him
