down from his day. She liked watching television. He liked to have sex. She was always too tired to have sex. He was tired of not having sex. So while she unwound to her favorite shows, he unwound out of the house with another woman.
Now, I'm not saying what he did was right. But as a man, I can understand the logic behind what he eventually ended up doing. And if I were in their bedroom before all of the ugliness from his cheating ways went down, I would have given them what I've found to be some very sage advice: acknowledge the ones you love. That means that if a man sees his woman had a hard day and she could stand some more help around the house to make the evenings go more smoothly, her man needs to step up his game. If she cooks, he does the dishes. If she gets the kids' clothes ready for tomorrow, he gets their homework ready for tomorrow. If she gets the kids off to bed, he gets his wife off in bed by setting the mood straightening up, running her a bath, letting her settle in with a glass of wine, whatever it takes to make it clear to her that having sex with the woman he loves is not only a release, but an act of love. And she, perhaps, will be more willing to reciprocate not with annoyance, but with the sheer giddiness in knowing how it feels to feel wanted.
But understand that no man is going to wine and dine his wife every night in order to have sex with her. That's unreasonable. Sometimes, he's just going to want to have you, no frills without being forced to feel like he's added another chore to your list of things to do. Every man needs that from his woman. Every last one of us.
To sum up, we've got to have these three things support, loyalty, and sex from you or we're going to go. You can shop for us, cook dinner every night, and make sure our favorite peanut butter is in the cabinet to show us that you're paying attention and you care. But what we really need from you when our day goes bad is those three things. You give me that when I come home, and I'll go back out there and.ght this war for you. The moment a woman isn't doing those three things for her man, I can promise you he'll get somebody who will. We cannot survive without these things not for ninety days, we can't.
You may not like what I'm saying, but ask any man about these words and whether they're true, and that man will tell you this one simple thing: it's true. Support. Loyalty. The cookie. If you supply these three things, you'll have on your hands a man who will do anything you need and want him to do for you pure and simple.
4
We need to talk. For a man, few words are as menacing as those four especially when a woman is the one saying them and he's on the receiving end. Those four words can mean only two things to men: either we did something wrong or, worse, you really literally just want to talk. Now, we understand that we're not the essence of perfection and there are going to be times when you're mad at us and need to let us know it; we get that, though we don't necessarily want to have to concentrate on an hourlong angry lecture about how we screwed up. But even more? No man wants to sit around gabbing with you like we're one of your girlfriends. Ever. It's just not in our DNA to lounge around, sip coffee, and dab at our eyes with tissue as if we're in an AA meeting or on some psychologist's couch trying to get things off our chest. When men are talking, and especially when they're listening, it's with purpose.
We don't vent.
We just want to.x whatever situation is upsetting the balance.
We understand that this frustrates you time and time again, because sometimes you want to talk to share and get someone else's take on a situation you know, put a listening ear on it. But seriously? That's what your girlfriends are for. You lay out your problem and she'll commiserate with you give you all kinds of yeah, girls and I know that's right, and nod and agree and tell you stories about how the same thing happened to her. She'll even go on to give you concrete examples of every other time something like this has happened to other women throughout the history of the world, and, hours later, you all will get up from the couch, having solved nothing but feeling so much better. Consider Exhibit A:
I walked into work today and before I could get to my desk, I saw Tanya walking over to the coffee machine and wouldn't you know that heiffa had on the same shirt as me?
You better stop it. Which one?
The blue one you know, the one with the orange.ower print? I got it from that store across town? On sale?
You mean the one you found on the $29.99 rack in the back? The same day I found those shoes at the store just down the street?
That's the one! I wore that shirt to work a few weeks ago and she complimented me on it and next thing I know, she ran to the store and bought my shirt and is wearing it to work! Can you believe it? Do you know how that made me feel?
Aw, hell to the nah. Are you serious? That's horrible. She's got some nerve…
For sure, this conversation could go on for hours, morphing into all kinds of side conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand: that some woman was wearing the same blouse as you on the same day in the same of.ce.
With a man, exactly ten seconds into the conversation, he'd arrive at The Fix. I present to you, Exhibit B:
I walked into work today and before I could get to my desk, I saw Tanya walking over to the coffee machine and wouldn't you know that heiffa had on the same shirt as me?
Really? Don't wear it anymore.
End of conversation. It's that simple for us. In this particular instance, and many more examples such as this, we can't get more worked up than that. How you felt at work while you had to sit there with this other woman on the other side of the room with the same blouse on is irrelevant to us. As far as we're concerned, the problem has already been.xed you came home. You're not looking at the woman in the identical blouse anymore. And if you don't wear that particular blouse to the of.ce again, you won't have to deal with that particular problem again. In our mind, problem solved no more talking.
All of this is to say that we men aren't in the talking business; we're in the.x-it business. From the moment we come out of the womb, we're taught to protect, profess, and provide. Communicating, nurturing, listening to problems, and trying to understand them without any obligation to.x them is simply not what boys are raised to do. We don't let them cry, we don't ask them how they feel about anything, we don't encourage them to express themselves in any meaningful way beyond showing how manly they are. Let a little boy fall off his bike and scrape his knee see how fast everyone tells him to get up and shake it off and stop all that doggone crying. Be a man, we demand. There's no discussion about how he felt when he hit the ground nobody's asking him to talk about whether he's too scared to get back on the bike and try again. Our automatic response is to tell him to get over it, get back on the bike, and.gure out how to ride it so he doesn't fall again.
Now that he's grown and in a relationship, you expect that same boy who was told to keep quiet and keep it moving to be a man who can sit and listen and communicate and nurture? I'm telling you now: your expectations are off. Women have different moods, and ideas in their head, and you all expect us to fall in line, and if we don't, it's a problem you're telling your girlfriends, He won't talk to me, and I can't get him to open up. But opening up is not what we do. Profess, provide, and protect all our lives, that's what we men have been taught and encouraged to do. This, we've been told, is how a man shows his love. And The Fix falls.rmly into the provide category. For sure, provision isn't just about money; for us, providing also is about righting what's wrong, and.guring out what's going to keep everybody happy. Because any man with sense knows that when mama's happy, we're all going to be happy. And when you're happy, there is a great return for us. So we provide and.x.
I'm telling you right now: if you go to your man with a situation that's.xable and he doesn't try to.x it, he is not your man he is not in love with you. Go ahead, I dare you to try it for yourself. When your man comes over, tell him, You know, I just can't stand this kitchen this way. The color just throws me all off, the cabinets are all wrong, they don't go with the stove and I can't get my mind right in here when I'm trying to cook. If he's all the way in it with you, he will say, without hesitation, What color you want this kitchen to be, baby? Tell him pink, and see if by next Saturday the whole kitchen isn't painted pink, cabinets and all. He will see your distress, understand that if you don't like the cabinets and the walls and the way the stove functions, you're going to walk into that kitchen with
