going to want to play for a minute. It may take him a few years before he’s even thinking about committing to anybody again, especially if he’s newly divorced and still has some very strong and complicated emotions about his ex. Still, it’s true what they say about a man who has been married before: if he committed to someone once, he’s certainly not scared of it and would be open to doing it again. He won’t necessarily romanticize it, but he will remember how wonderful it can be and won’t completely be opposed to the idea of marriage after he’s gotten the playing out of his system.
You’re going to have to be more thoughtful about how to find a forty-year-old single man and especially how to approach him. He’s been there, done that, and he’s not going to be fooled by nice bodies, batting eyelashes, and coy behavior. Sure, he knows how to go find some hot twentysomething who perhaps he’d be willing to spend a couple nights with, but mostly, he’s done that so many times it has very little interest for him; he knows that the chances are high that the younger women haven’t done anything, haven’t been anywhere, and haven’t yet had the adult experiences he’s had. Instead, he’s going to need and want someone who’s got something going on, and who is interesting and especially interested in the things he’s built into his life to make it comfortable.
This means, too, that you’re going to have to be a little bit more creative in trying to find him. He’s not going to be found in the club or in the gym or the sports bars-typical places where the opposite sex meets when they’re young, hot, and fresh. You’re going to find this guy at a jazz club, actually listening to the music, or at sporting events, enjoying the game, or on the golf and tennis courts or in the football league. As a single man, he can indulge in these kinds of entertainment and sporting hobbies because there’s no wife telling him that he’s being indulgent and selfish for structuring a lifestyle that’s enjoyable to him.
Know that hopping into a relationship with a divorced fortysomething man may be tricky if his divorce is new. There may be a lot of ways he sees his ex’s face in yours and runs in the other direction. If he’s been divorced less than two years, you should prepare yourself for some bedroom play and not much else; he’s probably going to want to keep it moving, no matter how fabulous you are. That’s because forty-year-olds don’t believe the hype. In his twenties, he believed anything a woman told him, and in his thirties, he got a little more skeptical. But in his forties, he doesn’t believe much of anything women tell him. They’re all fabulous cooks who love to keep a clean house by day and dress in lingerie every night; not a one of them dare leave the house without makeup on; they love sex, are avid basketball and football fans, and love the smell of cigar smoke-until, that is, they get into a relationship and the pretty packaging falls off. As a man who was married before, he already knows there are very striking similarities in the way women in relationships respond to pressure, stress, and challenges, and so when life comes along and creates difficulties for them, he knows there’s a good chance that he may wind up back in the same place he was with the woman he divorced. So you’re not going to lure him by telling him how wonderful being with you is; he may not believe you. You’ll have to show him, rather than tell him. If he takes you out on the golf course and you look like you’re having fun, or he takes you to the sports bar and you argue with the most avid fan about the merits of the Lakers’ triangle offense, or if you can discuss the beauty of a Coltrane versus Miles Davis classic solo, then he may start believing that you have a lot of the same interests as he does and that you’re a unique one-of-a-kind catch.
Once he’s moved on from the hurt of the divorce and he starts getting lonely, he’ll realize that sex with a forty-year-old does, in fact, have the potential to be a lot more interesting than sex with a twenty-five-year-old; he’s well aware that physical perfection isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be and he’s going to start wanting more companionship-the woman who’s comfortable with her station in life and his, too.
A MAN IN HIS FIFTIES AND BEYOND…
Is working desperately to solidify his legacy. Simply put: he’s looking at the tape and trying to figure out how to set up his family for when he’s done working or after he’s gone from this earth. He’s thinking more in terms of security than he ever has before, even as he’s looking forward to emptying his nest-sending the kids off to college or to start their new lives on their own so that he can enjoy his significant other in ways he hasn’t since the two of them had children. He’s more content in his newfound peace with his lady and is settled into the life he’s built, but still worries about protecting his family-not with brute force, but by making sure they can survive without him.
This mind-set is boosted by his ever-changing body. He starts to worry about it because it’s in his fifties that his body starts to betray him. His blood pressure increases, his cholesterol levels increase, his prostate gives him problems, and there are aches and pains that he’s never felt before. All of this makes him much more aware of his mortality, and he realizes he has to take better care of himself. This, of course, is much easier for him when there’s a woman around. It’s a lot harder for a man to live right, eat right, and stay out of trouble if there isn’t a female presence there to tap him on the shoulder and remind him why it’s better to leave the cheesecake and steak alone and eat more vegetables, get in more exercise, and stay out of trouble for the sake of not only himself, but the ones he loves.
He’s going to be a lot more open to the idea of having a woman around not only to love in the way that a man loves-by protecting, professing, and providing for her-but also because he knows that a fairly sweet, nurturing, caring woman will increase his life expectancy by at least a decade. This will put him in a better position to want to commit to someone, certainly more so than a man in his thirties and even forties. He will basically be looking for someone to grow old with as he faces the other side of the high-paced workforce and begins to imagine what it will be like to do all the things he always wanted to do-travel or spend leisurely, carefree afternoons-with a steady companion who also is happy to finally be settled down and enjoying the rest of her life.
Please understand that these different stages of manhood are not ironclad definitions of men at these different ages; there are always exceptions to the rule. What I’ve described here is a generalization of what happens in men’s lives as they move from decade to decade-things that I’ve gone through myself, and certainly experiences that friends of mine have shared with me during the course of our friendships. My sincere hope is that you’ll use this as a loose guide to understanding just where your man’s head may be when it comes to a relationship with you-an understanding that just may help you get the kind of love you want, need, and deserve.
3
As the success of
Sorry, but as the title of this book suggests, I’m going to have to give it to you straight, no chaser and, at my own peril, take one for the team: in the minds and hearts of most men, the notion that a guy is “intimidated by your success” is nothing more than an excuse-a convenient way for some women to rationalize why they’re alone. Harsh but true. When we’re away from the womenfolk and talking among ourselves out on the golf course or on the basketball court or while enjoying a cigar at the bar, we men give a chuckle, shake our heads, and wonder aloud who told you this madness. Because, nothing, really, could be further from the truth. Men don’t mind strong, independent, capable women by any stretch. What we do mind is feeling like we’re not needed.
Believe it or not, there is a difference.
Still, this “men are intimidated by me” myth persists, as do others concerning women who are independent, particularly women who are financially or emotionally self-sufficient. So I am addressing these issues with the hope that, if women truly understand the mind-set of a man when he goes mano a mano with a strong, independent,
