Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man

successful woman, we can move the dialogue forward.

MYTH 1

Men Don’t Like Women Who Talk About Their Material Success

THE TRUTH: If you’ve got a degree or two, a fancy car, a nice place to lay your head at night, and a paycheck that’ll make a Fortune 500 CEO drop his jaw in awe, we are happy for you. Yes, you read that right. Happy. It doesn’t anger us, turn us off, or deliver a crushing blow to our self-esteem and ego if a woman has done well for herself and is living a splendid life.

But if that’s the defining element of your life-if this is what you live and die for, and the first thing out of your mouth after you introduce yourself is the year and make of your car, the purchase price on your fancy home, your credit score, followed by the single, strong, independent female creed-“I don’t need a man to take care of me!”- then guess what we’re going to translate that into? “Your services are not needed here.” And we will take our services elsewhere while you climb that corporate ladder alone. Worship alone. Raise your child alone. Shop alone (or with your girlfriends). Take all your vacations alone (or with your girlfriends). Only to return home… alone. There’s nothing wrong with being alone, mind you. Plenty of women are on their own, content with lives full of good friends and great experiences that don’t necessarily involve committed relationships with the opposite sex.

Yet for every woman who says she’s just fine by herself, there is a whole host of others who really are unsettled by the idea that they may not find the happily ever after that they thought would be waiting for them once they acquired the career, money, and status they worked so hard to get, and who really do believe with all their hearts that they’re alone because men are intimidated by or jealous of their success.

Here is the thing, though: it is already obvious to most men that the majority of women can take care of themselves. If you were raised by parents who were even remotely concerned about your well-being, they likely taught you the importance of getting a solid education, pursuing a good career, and having the wherewithal to take care of yourself, whether a man is in your life or not. Men expect that you followed through on this promise to yourself and are doing all you can to be the best you can be, and we know it’s only natural for people, women included, to share things about themselves that they’re proud of.

What turns us off is when your personal seams are sewed up so tight we can’t see where we can fit in and what role we can play in your life. You leave us no room to be men. As I’ve said elsewhere here and in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, the way a man shows his love for a woman is by providing for her, protecting her, and professing for her-giving her the title of girlfriend, lady, or wife. Now if you tell a man you don’t need him to provide for you, you have all the cash you need to cover your bills and your lifestyle, and that you don’t need his protection because between your alarm system and Jake, the pit bull, your mansion is safe-then what would make him want to profess his love for you?

Now, I understand that not all women are slinging their degrees and salaries and material gains in men’s faces to brag and suggest that they don’t need men. There is, too, this pervading idea that women need to list their accomplishments in order to not appear “needy” in men’s eyes, so that guys won’t think they’re being pursued for their money and material wealth. But here’s the rub. Everybody needs somebody. And everybody has voids they need filled: they want companionship, a family, someone to help them feel safe, someone to share their dreams with, someone who can be a male role model in their home, someone willing to listen to their problems and maybe even offer up a few suggestions on how to fix them too-even someone for less complicated things, like mowing the lawn, taking care of the car, and dealing with the bills. And you know what? We don’t mind if you need us. In fact, it’s only a turnoff to men who, for whatever selfish reasons, don’t want to fulfill your needs. The man who is genuinely interested in having a solid relationship with you wants to care for you, wants to hold your hand and provide a shoulder that’ll help you through the hard times, wants to spend his money making sure you’re provided for, wants to make sure no one ever hurts you, wants to be a good father to your children, wants to see you succeed because he knows it’s for the greater well-being of the family and makes you happy. We have no interest in creating you. We want to come in and complete you.

If you’re constantly saying you don’t need us, well, maybe you don’t.

You don’t have to sell yourself short or dumb it down. Of course you can still be proud of your accomplishments and share them with men, too. But how about adding a little truth to the mix. There’s nothing wrong with running down your credentials and then following them up with some truth about what you still desire but don’t yet have: “I’m really happy with my station in life-I’ve accomplished a lot. But I’m looking for a man who completes me. I’ve got myself halfway to where I want to be, but I dream about having a family and a husband who will be my partner in life.” Sharing your vision with a man and being clear about what you want in a relationship without devaluing him takes true courage-true strength. A man can sign up for that. A buddy of mine did exactly that when a woman to whom he was attracted made plain to him that she was looking for “the one” to live out the rest of her life with. He met her in a bank; he was the teller, she was the customer-and the chemistry between them was electric. She would give him flirtatious smiles, he would do his best to keep up the small talk so that she would stick around a little while longer. After a few months of flirting with the idea of taking her out, my friend finally did the deed: he asked her out for coffee at a local shop. She happily accepted his invitation and, over coffee and Danish, proceeded to blow him away. He already knew that she was financially set; he was, after all, her banker. But during their meeting, he also learned that she ran her own company, which she’d started after picking up clients and a lot of know-how working for-and becoming wealthy from-a longtime position at a Fortune 500 company. She wasn’t bragging-just sharing information about herself. And then she laid out for him exactly what she was looking for: “I’m a good woman, I have a great life and family and friends, but I know, too, that I want a man to love and who loves me back. That would be the ultimate for me.” She explained further that at forty-plus years old, she wasn’t looking to marry a millionaire; she just wanted a steady, faithful companion with whom she could build a solid life.

This stuck in the back of my friend’s mind. He may not have been able to buy her the biggest house on the block or add zeroes to her bank account or be in the position to make decisions that would affect her career, but he could still find room in there to be a man-to provide for her and protect her and have the broad set of shoulders she needed to lean on while they built that life together. It didn’t take him long to become the man she needed-the man she was looking for. And after more than a decade together, they’re still going strong.

MYTH 2

Men Don’t Approach Strong Women Because They’re Intimidated by Them

THE TRUTH: We’re not intimidated by strong women. Intimidation is just another word for fear, and although men are afraid of a lot of things, women aren’t one of them. You can’t kick our behinds, and, short of that, little scares us. If we see you from across the room, we’re not counting the zeroes in your bank account, and we sure aren’t wondering what your job title and position is at work. We don’t care about that. Initially, we don’t even care how many kids you have, or what your dreams and goals and ambitions are. We just want to talk to you. But we will only do it if it looks like you won’t give us attitude simply for approaching you. Give us some credit; we’re way more crafty than you think-believe me when I tell you.

Men are hunters by nature, predators who, if we’re not looking for anything serious, will look for the easy kill. The woman who’s dressed provocatively, who’s a little loud, who’s tossing back drinks and dancing suggestively and sending out the signals that she’s down for whatever won’t have a problem filling up her dance card with a bunch of guys who won’t be remotely serious about her. She’s going to be the ultimate throwback for the man who’s sport fishing, a man who is looking for a woman to use and toss back into the water. She’s easy to spot. But we can also spot, just as easily, the woman who has it all, plus attitude to spare-and who isn’t afraid to use it.

We’re not as stupid as you think we are, I promise you that. We don’t just run up on you; we watch you. We watch how you talk to the lady in the cafeteria line at work-how rudely you talk to her, how you don’t say “thank you” when she gives you your change and packs up your sandwich. We see who you choose to sit with-how you sit with only a certain type of person, but avoid anyone who doesn’t fit into your mold of “success.” We sense when you’re throwing off that “you’re really beneath me, why are you over here” vibe when guys with a certain look head your way. We determine things about you before we walk that long stretch to get to you, before we figure out just the right words we’ll say to get you to smile. And if we get the sense that you won’t smile, that you’re going to give off that “why are you over here” attitude, we’re not going to approach you. We’re going to conclude that we don’t need to deal with you.

If men aren’t approaching you, maybe it’s not because you’re intimidating but because they’re too busy focusing on the woman who isn’t cold and callous-the one who is smiling and comfortable with herself and appears