Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

My boyfriend wanted to do it, so I did.

My boyfriend wants to wait. Is that weird?

Once you start having sex, it’s really hard to stop.

From Boyfriends

Guys have to have it to release tension.

Let’s wait until we are both ready to do sexual things.

Your sense of humor is what I love best about you.

It gets me hot when you wear that micro-mini with the baby T.

Everybody is doing it.

We’ll just stop at second base.

From Magazines, TV and Movies

Sex is no big deal.

Sex is exciting.

Sex feels good.

You will be happy if you have sex.

Sex is always romantic and passionate.

You need big boobs to be sexy.

You need a skinny body to be sexy.

You need tight jeans to be attractive to guys.

You need a lot of makeup and perfect skin to have sex appeal.

Everybody has sex with every boyfriend they ever have.

You don’t even need to have a husband or a boyfriend to have sex! Just do it for fun!

What Else Have You Heard?

There’s a lot of contradiction here, isn’t there? They can’t all be right, so who is?

Decision time!You have to decide what is right. And “right” here doesn’t mean the same thing it does on a test. No way. Right means what is healthy for your body, your emotions and your relationships—now and in the future. Your job is to check out all the messages you get and then decide what your own opinion is. Decide what is healthy for you.

We’ve said it before, but it’s important enough to say again: Some of the people telling you about sex are interested in what’s best for you. They are usually people in relationships with you, people you know well and who care about you when it comes to things other than sex. Others are interested in what’s best for them. They usually want to sell you something or get their own way.

So how do you respond to these ideas and pressures? We’ve just reviewed the messages themselves, now let’s talk about why they are so mixed up.

Oh No, “The Talk”

Lots of parents feel really awkward talking about sex. Maybe it’s because their parents didn’t talk with them. Or maybe they just can’t picture their baby girl as a sexual being. Some parents regret sexual choices they made as teens and are afraid to tell you about it.

It’s hard for parents to imagine you as even thinking about sexual things. But their little girl is growing up (sniff, sniff ), and they see you changing a lot. You probably choose clothes and wear makeup to make yourself attractive to guys. You go to “boy-girl parties” where you hang out and maybe even flirt and dance with guys. You might even start to date. Cut your parents some slack! This isn’t exactly easy on them either!

Parents handle the sex talk in lots of different ways. Do any of these sound familiar?1. “Read this book.” Some parents try to ignore the topic completely and just hand over a book like this one. As useful as this book is, it can’t replace honest conversation. If your parents hand you a book and then run in the opposite direction, chase them down and ask questions! Be brave and start the sex conversation yourself!2. “You’ll get pregnant, never finish high school and end up working at McDonald’s your entire life if you have sex.” Yikes! Scare tactics! Guilt! That pregnant/school dropout/McDonald’s thing certainly can happen, but your sexuality involves a lot more than just having sexual intercourse. It can be holding hands, kissing, touching, sharing secrets, emotional closeness and friendship. But sometimes parents are so afraid you will make a big mistake with sex that they are afraid to let you open the door on your sexuality in any way, shape or form. You’ll have to open that door. Respect their privacy, but ask them what choices they made as teens that they are happy with now, twenty or thirty years later. Which ones are they unhappy about? If they don’t want to talk about their personal experiences, respect their privacy. Maybe they would rather tell you stories about some of their friends’ experiences when they were teens.3. “I’m so glad you asked me. I’ve been wanting to talk to you about sex, but I wasn’t sure you were interested yet.” Some parents have no trouble discussing it at all. They are open and honest. They admit their fears and wishes for you as you develop sexually. They explore what a healthy relationship looks like with you and help you identify peer pressure. They give you reasons for wanting you to handle sex a certain way, and they help you decide based on your family’s values.

Different parents can give you different messages about sex, but there is one thing you can be pretty certain of. They want what is best for you. Their opinion is one you can respect, even if they trip all over themselves telling it to you.

The Talk among Teens

Your friends and your boyfriend are right in the thick of this whole sexual development thing with you.