Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

sexual activity. Most of the time, girls are raped by boys or men. If a male forces his penis, finger, tongue or other object into a female’s vagina, anus or mouth, it is rape. This is a violent crime, and there is no excuse for it. It has very little to do with sex but a lot to do with power. Even though it seems like a sexual kind of thing, rapists do not rape for sexual feelings. Instead, rapists rape for power and control.

Unfortunately, when many girls and women are raped, they do not tell anyone or report it to the police because they feel embarrassed or ashamed. No matter how a girl acts or dresses, nothing makes it okay for someone to rape her. Some girls even think they might be partly to blame for it happening, and many girls think they are “ruined” or have “lost their virginity” to a rapist. That’s why rape can confuse girls and make them feel bad about themselves. If you are raped, you aren’t ruined, because it is something that happened to you. You didn’t have a choice in it, and most girls do whatever it takes just to survive the experience. What you do have a choice about is taking care of yourself and getting medical attention so you can heal from it, both physically and emotionally.

Most girls think that rapes happen only in dark alleys or when girls hitchhike. The awful truth is that most girls who are raped are raped by someone they know or have met recently. Most rapes also happen in someone’s home (or apartment or dorm) or another familiar place.

Unfortunately, most rapes happen to teenage girls, and one of the most common types of rape is called date rape. Like it sounds, this happens when a girl is out with a guy she may like, and he forces her to have sex with him. Sometimes the force is real physical force, but sometimes it is by talking her into it when she doesn’t really want to. Sometimes she says no, but he doesn’t listen, and many times, drugs or alcohol are involved. This is another good reason to “just say no” to drugs and alcohol. Even in date rape or drug-related rape, girls still need to get medical attention afterward to help prevent infections and pregnancy and to make sure there are no injuries. The sooner a girl gets medical attention, the better for preventing infections and pregnancy as well as for making sure the victim is okay. If this ever happens to you or someone you know, it is also important to get help to heal emotionally. Going to an emergency room or your doctor is important for getting this type of help.

Again, rape is a crime. It needs to be reported to the police or an adult who can help, and immediate medical attention is very important. Guys who rape once often do it again and again to other girls. By reporting the crime, you can help prevent that. It’s a horrible shame that rape happens, but there’s no reason for the victim to feel ashamed. Tell all your girlfriends that the most important thing is to get help.

No Means No!

Even if you want to mess around and you say it’s okay, sometimes sex can still be a crime. A crime? Yep. Let’s look at a real-life story:

A 14-year-old girl and her boyfriend are kissing and move into heavy petting. She starts to feel uneasy with their actions and asks her boyfriend to stop. He is so sexually excited that he doesn’t listen and doesn’t stop. They end up having sex.

There is a huge problem here. When two people are involved in sexual behaviors, they both have to agree to what they are doing. This is called consent, and it matters a ton! In fact, if someone does not give consent to sex, it is rape. The important thing about consent is that it should be “active,” meaning you both actually agree to sex or sexual touching by saying yes. “Passive” consent doesn’t count, because that’s when you don’t say anything, so he assumes you are okay going along with it. You can’t just assume what others want when it comes to something as personal as sex. So again, sex without consent is rape. As you already know, rape is a crime that is punished by law and can mean prison.

What about the situation above where this is her boyfriend and she was okay with the petting, but not with going all the way? She wouldn’t want to get her boyfriend in trouble, but what he did is absolutely wrong.

Remember, rape is a power issue, not a sex issue. Guys who don’t stop when asked aren’t interested in the girl or her feelings. They are only interested in their own power over her. Any guy can stop, even in the middle of sex, and it won’t hurt him in any way . . . so there’s no excuse. No means NO! Stop means STOP! Be clear about what you want and don’t want.

What about times when you don’t say no but don’t want to go further? You can try body language, like turning away, pulling his hand away, closing your legs together. But guys are NOT good at understanding body language, especially in the heat of the moment. So you have to find your voice, no matter how hard, and utter the words, “STOP . . . I don’t want to do this.” A true love will understand and respect your feelings. A true love will wait until the time is right for both of you.

What Does the Law Have to Do With Me and My Sex Life?!

Another big issue with consent is that you have to be ABLE to GIVE consent. That means you have to be old enough and you have to have a clear mind. Old enough? Yes. States have laws that say when a teen is old enough to “consent” to having sex. The age is different among different states, but in general, it ranges from 14 to 17 years of age.

There are reasons for these laws. When you are a young teen, even though you are smart and mature for your age, you still are not ready to handle all of the things that go along with having sex. This is so important that every state has this kind of law. That means that if a guy tries to have sex with a girl who is younger than the age of consent, it is illegal. Even if the girl says yes, it doesn’t matter because the state says she isn’t old enough to give permission. It would be like you trying to sign your own report card or permission slip. It’s not allowed, and the rules are very clear.

Finally and importantly, people who are under the influence of alcohol or drugs are not ABLE to give consent. That means that if a girl is drunk, and a guy has sex with her, it is illegal because she can’t give consent. This is also rape and punishable by law.

Scary, huh? Unfortunately, this is how a lot of girls end up having sex when they don’t mean to. Remember how we said that you have the power to make choices that help you stick to your boundaries— choices like not getting drunk or high, not being alone with a guy you’re not sure you can trust, or not going so far that it’s hard to stop before you have sex? Well, even if you make a poor decision, get drunk and end up in a bad situation, you do not deserve to be raped! If you are not able to give consent to sex, if you say NO or if you are too young to give consent, the sex is a crime. And the guy is wrong and can be punished by the law!

If anything like this happens to you, speak up! Get help! Tell your parents, a teacher at school, a girlfriend’s mom—find someone who can help you. It will be tough. You may even feel like it was your fault if you were where you shouldn’t have been, doing things you shouldn’t have been doing or with people you shouldn’t have been with. Find your courage! It is not your fault, and a guy who forces sex on you, no matter what the circumstances, is a criminal.

Healthy Sexuality

We know that some of this stuff about sexuality and power sounds scary, and it is. The ways that people can abuse sex for power and for harm are really rotten. But remember, there is good power, too. There’s Girl Power. Learning to understand and use your sexuality in healthy ways is a big part of Girl Power; it can help you be in control and keep you healthy and safe.