“plumbing.” What really drives us sexually is our feeling of desire—desire to be close to someone, desire to touch and be touched, desire to explore sexual feelings. Another word for desire is
Interestingly, nobody ever seems interested in talking to teens about their sexual desire. Everyone just seems to expect you to “just say no.” Well, feelings are one of those things that just happen to you; you can’t help it. As early as the start of puberty, sexual desire is a feeling that just happens to pop up from time to time.
Speaking of popping up . . . boys have an advantage here. When they have sexual desire or sexual thoughts, they get an erection. It’s like a flag going up to say, “Hey dude, you’re noticing something sexual, and I’m here to point that out!” Is there a similar flag for girls? We don’t get such an obvious “pop up” (thank goodness!). For girls, the signal is more subtle and brainy—kind of like we are anyway, right?
When girls have sexual feelings, the major signal comes through our thoughts—stuff like, “I want to hold your hand,” or “I want to think about marrying you,” or “I want to kiss you,” or maybe, “I want to ride a horse on the beach with you.” Sexual thoughts are never harmful, but acting upon them is where the risks can occur. So go ahead, enjoy your thoughts, picture yourself kissing your favorite movie star, think about marrying your crush, daydream about your true love all you want. It’s normal.
Skin Hunger
Another part of desire that you may also be noticing is a physical thing that can be called “skin hunger.” Teen girls and boys are very huggy and touchy sometimes. Your parents probably satisfied your skin hunger when you were a child—all that cuddling and loving and sitting on their laps. Now that you are spending less time with parents and more time with friends, it’s normal to look to your friends for that special touch. It’s also normal to sometimes want to be touched or hugged by your boyfriend or crush.
As you notice skin hunger, you may also notice a physical feeling in your genital area. This is a reflex that is part of sexual desire, and it signals that your brain is starting to grow in the romance department. Some girls and women describe the genital feelings of desire as fullness, warmth, tingling or a twinge. Along with that sensation, another reflex makes the vagina release fluids that make it feel wet. Some girls have no clue this happens unless they touch the vaginal area and feel it. Other girls have enough lubrication to make their underwear get wet. It’s not the same “wetness” that happens with normal vaginal discharge, but it, too, is normal with sexual desire.
Remember, guys get lots and lots of erections as teens, and girls also have many sexual thoughts and feelings. But just because a boy gets an erection or a girl has sexual feelings doesn’t mean they have to have sex.
Neither boys nor girls NEED to have sex, and in fact, most don’t. Instead, you need to learn to recognize and appreciate your sexual arousal in ways other than intercourse. There are lots of ways to enjoy these sexual feelings without having sex. Sometimes, you can just sit back and enjoy the feeling and know that your body is working like it’s meant to.
Solo Sex Revisited
Some teens masturbate when these sexual urges are strong. That can let them release some sexual urges in a safe way and get on with other things. It’s weird to talk about masturbation and even weirder to think about whether it’s okay or not. Let us assure you that most people masturbate at some point in their lives, but few will admit it. Keep in mind, it’s not a popular dinner conversation, it’s not a group activity, and it shouldn’t consume your free time, but it is both safe and normal.
Should you ask your parents if it’s okay to masturbate? That’s up to you. A lot of parents will get totally freaked out if you ask, even though they may think it’s fine. That’s because they don’t want to know you are having sexual feelings. Kind of like the way you don’t want to believe that your parents “do it.” But if parents consider the options—(1) you relieve your own sexual urges versus (2) you look for someone else to relieve them for you—most parents would agree: help yourself! But pleeeeze keep it private! If you need to relieve sexual urges, we would bet that you can learn to make yourself feel better sexually than any awkward teenage boy can try to make you feel. And remember, just because you have sexual urges doesn’t mean you
Warm Fuzzies
Being intimate is the heart and soul of a mature relationship. Intimacy is a two-way street; it means getting close with someone emotionally and physically in a very comfortable way and having that feeling returned to you. It’s hard to talk about with young teens, because it’s not a big part of your sexual development until you are older. (It has to do with all the stuff about how your brain is growing and developing. . . .) We’ll spare you the details right now, but you need to gain some independence and self-respect and get some experience under your belt before you’ll understand true intimacy.
Intimacy doesn’t always mean boyfriend-girlfriend or husband-wife stuff. You can also be intimate with your best buds. This means:• Sharing secrets • Accepting flaws • Knowing how to forgive • Getting to know your friends’ likes and dislikes • Trusting
The list goes on and on, and it’s all good. Does this all sound familiar It’s just like we talked about in the chapter on “friends who rock.”
For now, developing intimate friendships, learning to be a good friend, and finding those friends who rock is what you will build on as you get older and develop intimate romantic relationships. Remember, emotional intimacy should always come before physical intimacy. That means learning how to be intimate with feelings should come before you try to learn how to be intimate with your body.
Being intimate doesn’t come easily, and it can be risky. What do we mean by risky? Well, let’s say you tell a friend a secret about a very embarrassing moment for you, but you realize that if she tells everyone that secret, you would feel humiliated. By telling your secret to a friend, you risk everyone else finding out something you don’t want anyone else to know. Part of what you will learn as a young teen is who you can trust and become intimate with. It’s more important for you right now to learn to be a good friend and find good friends. This should all happen before you head off on any romantic journey.
What Is Girly?
What does it mean to be a girl? Does it mean you have to wear dresses, get your ears pierced and fantasize about boys? Does it mean you have to want to have babies? Does it mean you can’t be a firefighter or a professional athlete? Heck no! Being a girl only means you were born with certain genes and parts, and all the rest is up to you. Sometimes that’s not the message we hear or how we feel, though. We get ideas from our families, from the media, from our peers and all of society about how girls are “supposed” to be. But a girl with Girl Power can’t be forced into a girly thing that doesn’t feel right for her.
