Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

Huh? You don’t already know who you are? Well, you have a name, an address and a birth date. That’s a start. Take a look in the mirror. You have a unique look and a personal style.

Those are some of the givens. But who you are depends more on the decisions you make, ways you act, stuff you experience and challenges you take on.

“Who am I?” is a deep question. Thankfully, it doesn’t have to be totally answered right now. Whether you know it or not, your brain is causing you to do things, have feelings and make choices that are getting you closer to the answer. It’s a question you will be working on your entire life. But for now, you can’t help but deal with it a little bit . . . and sometimes a lot.

Around your middle school and high school years, your brain sends you messages that you might not even notice. It’s telling you to try new things, new thoughts and new ideas. This helps you “try on” some new things to see what fits. It helps you answer tough questions like: What’s important to me? How do I want other people to see me? Is there someone I look up to and want to be like one day? How will I dress? What will I look like, sound like, act like, be when I’m grown up? It’s important to remember that you can’t prevent these messages and impulses from your growing brain, but you can control the way you respond to them by staying in control of your actions and behaviors.

What are words you want people to use to describe you? Loyal? Fun? Intelligent? Clever? Creative? Patient? Kind? Artsy? Curious? Dramatic? Well, show them who you are!

For example, you decide that kindness is a trait that describes you. Well, to be a kind person, you have to act like a kind person! (Surprise!) Begin noticing when you do and don’t do things. Pick up a stranger’s book when she drops it. Save a seat at lunch for your friend. Compliment a girlfriend on her new haircut. Fix your own lunch when your mom is running late. Find at least one nice thing to say about a girl that other girls are gossiping about. Want to be known as reliable and trustworthy? Then do what you say you will do. Keep the secret you said you would keep. Be on time. Call when you say you will call. Return the shirt you borrowed, and make sure it is clean!

People will know you by your actions. Actions really do speak louder than words. And it’s all part of your brain telling you to be more independent. There are probably lots of qualities you want others to know you by.

Maybe you see yourself as kind, creative and honest. Maybe you are generous, trustworthy and funny. How about creative, loyal and colorful? Pick a few qualities you’d like to show, and show them off! In many ways, you can choose what kind of person you want to be and then make it happen.Words I want other people to use to describe me:

Things I can do so that people will see me as I want to be seen:

Friends—Are They Walkin’ or Just Talkin’?

This whole “actions speak louder than words” thing helps you become the person you want to be . . . and it also lets you see what kind of people your friends really are. And when you know what other people are really like, that helps you know where you fit in.

Do you know any girls (or guys) who say they are your friends but then do things that aren’t so friendly? Like the girl who spots you across the room in that new, cool jacket she saw at the mall and suddenly she is falling all over you, calling you “her new best friend” and asking you to sit at her lunch table? Then you find out she’s telling other girls you think you’re “so cool” because of your fancy new clothes? Seen it happen? Been there, done that?

Doesn’t it make you angry? What that girl says and what she does just don’t match up! That’s called “talkin’ the talk” (she says she is a friend) but not “walkin’ the walk” (she doesn’t act like a friend).

True friends encourage you and build you up. They listen. They focus on the good things about you. They are honest and loyal. They tell you when you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe or your shirt’s on inside out. They say nice things about you to other people. They keep your secrets. They apologize when they mess up.

True friends don’t tear you down, “dis” you or make you feel foolish. They don’t gossip about you or focus on your weaknesses. They don’t tell you that you look great when they know your fly is wide open or let you talk to your crush with broccoli in your braces. They definitely don’t call you mean or embarrassing names, especially in front of other people.

Remember we talked about there being things that just happen to you (breasts, hips, pimples, periods) and other things you have choices about (when you kiss a guy, what you talk to your parents about, how you take care of your body)? Thankfully, friends are one of those things you get to choose!

And girl, you have some serious choices to make! We already know that your brain is telling you to be more independent, to spend more time away from your family and with your friends. The friends you choose to spend this extra time with are important! And the great news is that you have the power to make important choices like this that matter.

What do you value most in a friend? Trustworthiness? Loyalty? Rowdiness? Braininess? Humor? Religious devotion? Joyfulness? Truthfulness? Kindness? We could go on for pages and pages, because the truth of the matter is that you will choose friends with a combination of many traits you admire.

Try this. When you are deciding who will be in your close circle of friends, ask yourself: Is she walkin’ or just talkin’? If her actions match her words, you have a friend worth keeping! Here are some examples:

ScenarioTalkin' the TalkWalkin' the WalkYou have a crush on Luke. Luke asks your best friend to meet him at the movies. She knows that you would be hurt if you thought Luke liked her instead.Your friend tells you that Luke is a loser so you won't like him anymore, and she meets him at the movie in secret.Your friend tells Luke that she is flattered, but she can't go. She suggests that he calls you because she knows you don't have anything planned for FridayThe big party of the year is coming up. Your best bud is invited, but you aren't. One of the girls having the party tells your friend that she thinks you are a nerd and encourages her to come hang with the 'popular' kids.Your best bud tells you she has family plans, but she goes to the party anyway.Your friend thanks the hostess for the invitation, but she hangs with you instead. She realizes that if they don't respect you for who you are, then they are not the type of people she wants to hang with anyway.Your friend is walking down the hall and sees you coming out of the bathroom. The hem of your cute skirt is accidentally tucked in your underwear, and your butt is almost showing. She's a long way down the hall.She laughs hysterically, ducks into her next class and tells everyone about it.She runs down the hall and quietly stands behind