“Right-o!”
A few minutes later, the helicopter landed in the street beside Max’s car. Max and Peaches thanked the pilot again, then got out and walked to the car.
“I thought you said your car had a bug in it,” Peaches said.
“It does. But it’s safe unless you slam the door. Just don’t slam the door.”
“I’ll try to remember that. But, you know me, I’m just an empty-headed blonde.”
Max and Peaches got into the car. But instead of starting the engine, Max took off his shoe.
“Reporting in again?” Peaches asked.
“Yes. The Chief worries when I ask him to send a helicopter to circle over a cab that’s headed straight for the Potomac and don’t tell him why.”
Max dialed.
Chief: Max? Is that you? Are you safe?
Operator: Never mind about him. How’s our shoe?
Max: I am fine. Peaches is fine. And the shoe is fine.
Chief: Max, why did you want that helicopter?
Max: I had to activate an ejection seat, Chief, to get out of that cab. And I wanted the helicopter and the net to be there when we were shot into the air.
Operator: Eeeeek! Our shoe! It could’ve been killed!
Max: Operator, will you get off the line, please!
Operator: Was it frightened, poor thing?
Max: No, the shoe was the calmest of the three of us. Now, please, get off the line!
Chief: Just ignore her, Max. Incidentally, where are you now?
Max: Parked out in front of Control headquarters, Chief.
Chief: Out front! Max, you left here early this morning headed for New York, Moscow and Peking, and that’s as far as you’ve got?
Max: Chief, I think I detect an undercurrent of chagrin in your tone.
Chief: I don’t know why. Frankly, Max, I’m surprised you’ve managed to get that far. I didn’t think you’d make it out the secret exit. You know how you always get lost down there.
Max: Shall we talk about happier things, Chief?
Chief: For instance?
Max: Well, right now, we’re going to drive straight to the pier and board an excursion boat for New York. We might think about a bon voyage party.
Chief: That wouldn’t be proper, Max. You’re on duty.
Max: That’s right-it wouldn’t be proper. I forgot about Rule 707: Never mix business with pleasure.
Chief: That’s Rule 303, Max. Rule 707 is: Never lose your parachute, or it’ll come out of your salary.
Max: I wish you hadn’t mentioned that, Chief. It’s a painful subject.
Chief: Keep in contact, Max. And… bon voyage.
Max: Will do, Chief. And thank you.
Operator: Bon voyage, shoe.
Max slipped his shoe back onto his foot, then started the engine of the car and turned it out into traffic.
“Can you find the pier this time?” Peaches asked.
“It’s only a few blocks from here.”
“But can you find it?”
“I can smell a pier a mile away,” Max replied.
Two hours later, after having asked directions several times, Max and Peaches arrived at the pier.
“There’s an excursion boat,” Max said, pointing to a huge boat that had a sign saying “Excursion Boat” hanging over its side.
“I hope your eyes are in better working order than your nose,” Peaches said.
They parked, then walked to the boat. Standing on deck, leaning on the rail, was a plump man in uniform who looked a lot like a typical excursion boat captain.
“Hail!” Max called to him.
The man cupped an ear. “What’s that?”
“I said, ‘Hail!’,” Max replied. “I was hailing you.”
“Oh. Hail to you, too.”
“Where are you bound?” Max called.
“Around the middle,” the man replied. “I wear a corset to keep my tummy in.”
“What I mean is, where does your boat go?”
“Same as most boats-on the water!”
“On the water to New York?” Max asked.
“New York, Moscow and Peking,” the man replied.
Max turned to Peaches. “I think this is the boat we want,” he said.
They went aboard.
“How-do-you-do,” Max said to the man. “I’m Max Smart, and this is Peaches Twelvetrees.”
“Jus’ call me Cap’n Andy,” the man beamed.
“All right, Captain. Now-”
“Cap’n,” the Cap’n corrected.
“Oh… yes, Cap’n. Well, Cap’n, we’re interested in getting to New York. We’ll decide about Moscow and Peking later. Can you accommodate us?”
“Do better’ll that,” the Cap’n replied. “I can take you there.”
“Fine. Now, do you have a cabin?”
“I’m the Cap’n.”
“No, cabin-c-a-b-i-n. Cabin.”
“Sure. Got a whole boatload of ’em. Matter of fact, you can have the Cap’n’s cabin.”
“The Cap’n’s cabin? Won’t you be needing that yourself?”
“I spend all my time on the bridge,” the Cap’n replied.
“I see. Steering the boat?”
“No, watchin’ the cars drive by underneath.”
“Let’s take a look at that cabin,” Max said warily.
“Right this way.”
The Cap’n led them along the deck, then stopped at a door and opened it and gestured them inside.
“Very nice,” Max said, looking around. He turned back to the Cap’n. “About how long will it take us to get to New York?” he asked.
“At the rate we’ll travel, until Dooms Day!” the Cap’n replied.
“Noman!” Peaches shrieked.
Cap’n Andy whipped out a pistol and pointed it at them. “Guess who!” he grinned evilly.
“Peaches already identified you,” Max pointed out.
“Then let’s get down to business,” Noman said. “Hand over the Plan!”
“As you should know by now, we’d rather die first,” Max replied.
“Then so be it!” Noman said. “In one hour, this boat will leave the pier. You two and me-and, oh yes, one other passenger-are the only ones on board. When the boat reaches the ocean, I’ll pull the plug in the bottom and it will sink!”
“The boat or the plug?” Max asked.
“The boat!”
“Mmmmm… that’s bad,” Max said. “If it were the plug, I think we could survive. But the boat, that’s another matter.”
“But what about you?” Peaches said to Noman. “Won’t you sink, too?”
Noman grinned again. “I’m taking a leaf from Max’s notebook,” he said. “I’m being picked up by helicopter.” He backed toward the door. “In one hour,” he said, “we’ll shove off!”
“Why in one hour?” Max asked. “Why not now?”
