“You can’t even depend on your friends, the Control people, these days,” Ways grumbled.
At that moment, Hymie came back into the room. He looked distressed. He dropped into one of the chairs and put his head in his hands.
“If you’d like an aspirin,” Max said, “I just happen-”
“That’s not a computer! That’s a woman!” Hymie groaned. “I can’t do a thing with her!”
“Still at it, eh?” Max said sympathetically.
“I fed her every hate word in the dictionary,” Hymie said. “And what did I get? I got:
C is for rapid calculation
R means rhabdology’s old hat
U is for universal mathematics
S is for statistics, doo-be-doo
and H means hyperalgebra’s here to stay!
Put them all together and they spell
WHOOPEE!
The dearest word in all the world to me!
“That’s pretty sickening, all right,” Max said.
“That’s the breaks,” Ways said to Hymie. “Nothing to do now, but electrocute, burn and poison these two Control agents and let Means and me go.”
Hymie raised his head. “There’s one other alternative,” he said to Ways.
Ways sighed. “I was afraid of that.”
“I could sell out,” Hymie said.
“Now, just a minute, Hymie,” Max said. “You weren’t brought up to be a fink. When the scientists at Control created you, they used the very best parts available. There’s not a dishonorable nut or bolt in your body.”
“I was thinking about selling out to you,” Hymie explained.
“Oh! Well, that’s different. That’s good selling out. I thought you were talking about bad selling out.”
“Think it over,” Ways said to Hymie. “If you’re going to sell out, consider us. We pay well. And we’ve had more experience with selling out than that cheap Control outfit has.”
“If I sold out to you, you’d order me to strap myself into an electric chair again,” Hymie said. “Where’s the profit?”
“Don’t knock it until you’ve heard Control’s offer,” Ways advised. “The electric chair may be the best deal you can get. Don’t forget-you’re a fink.”
“Max! Say something!” 99 urged.
“Yes. . all right. Hymie, I’m sure I can do better than KAOS. How does
“No, Max!” 99 said.
“99, I don’t think the Chief would like it if I went all the way to
99 took over the bargaining herself. “Hymie, wouldn’t you like to be a Control agent?” she said. “If you defect from KAOS, I’m sure the Chief would accept you. And it’d be nice to be a Good Guy for a change, wouldn’t it?”
“You’d never win another ball game,” Means warned.
“But there would be other compensations,” 99 said. “For instance, at the end of fifty years of service, you’d get a Fifty Year pin.”
“Unless the Chief didn’t like you,” Max said. “There’s a lot of politics involved in getting a Fifty Year pin. You’ll notice I’m not wearing one.”
“You haven’t been in service fifty years, Max,” 99 pointed out.
Max nodded. “Politics.”
“KAOS gives out Fifty Year pins after only twenty-five years of service,” Ways said to Hymie. “And you get the pin whether our Chief likes you or not.”
“Of course,” Means said, “whether he likes you or not has a lot to do with
“Working for Control, you get Washington’s Birthday off,” 99 said to Hymie.
“At KAOS, you get Benedict Arnold’s Birthday off,” Ways countered.
“99,” Max said, “you forgot to mention that you get Washington’s Birthday off only if it falls on the second Tuesday of the month of December. And, so far, that hasn’t happened.”
“That’s good,” Ways said to Max. “At KAOS, you only get Benedict Arnold’s Birthday off if he happens to come back to life. Off hand, I’d say your chances for getting a day of are better than ours.”
“Well, Hymie-which will it be?” 99 asked anxiously.
Hymie put his head in his hands again, concentrating. “Maybe I ought to try once more to get some sense out of that infernal computer,” he said. “I could kick her. I didn’t try that. That sometimes works.”
“Thinking like a KAOS man!” Means said proudly.
“No, Hymie!” 99 urged. “Don’t weaken. Make a decision! This may be the most important moment of your life! Which will it be? A life of crime? Or excellent prospects for a Fifty Year pin?”
“I’ll do it!” Hymie decided.
“Which?” Max asked.
“I’ll sell out to Control!”
A cheer rose from Max and 99.
“Just in case somebody asks-why did you make that particular decision?” Ways inquired.
“I don’t like your faces,” Hymie informed Ways and Means.
“Politics,” Max mused. “Hymie-sometimes you’re almost human.”
10
Hymie released Max and 99, then, after disarming them, Max released Ways and Means.
“Well!” he said. “The tables are turned!”
“It’s a long, long way to Tipperary,” Ways said.
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning you still have to get Number One and us to Washington before any of this counts,” Ways replied. “That would be easy, of course, if you could get through to your Chief to get him to send reinforcements. But with Mom on the line, we’ll all be old and gray and Number One will be obsolete before you reach him. In the meantime, I’m sure I can think of some way to upset your apple-cart. My name isn’t Wayne Ways for nothing.”
“Max, he may be right about that,” 99 said.
“No problem, 99. Don’t forget, I’m in charge of this case now. I gave myself a battlefield promotion. And with me running things we won’t have the confusion and error we had while Hymie was at the helm.”
“Max. . taking over. . isn’t that mutiny?”
“Only on board ship, 99. On land, it’s horse sense. Would the Chief want an ex-KAOS agent to be in charge?”
“Well. .”
“Of course not,” Max decided. He handed the pistol he had taken from Ways to Hymie. “Your job will be to guard the prisoners,” he informed him. “Keep an eye on them every minute. I’d do it, but I’ll be busy thinking.”
“Yes, sir!” Hymie replied, saluting.
“Max. . I don’t understand,” 99 said. “He can’t be trusted to be in charge, but he can be trusted with our only weapon?”
“That’s politics, 99,” Max replied. “Now then, let’s evaluate our position. In the first place, we know that this place is crawling with guards, and, somehow, we’ll have to get past them. Secondly, there’s the problem of getting Number One out of this underground installation, past the pool, and back to Washington. That’s two items to take care of. Two items aren’t many. I’ve handled five and six items at a time in my day. See, 99? If you attack problems
