The Book of Army Management says: On the field of battle, the spoken word does not carry far enough.
Or, as the enemy attacks, attack more strongly, taking advantage of the resulting disorder in his timing to win.
Name-calling means absolutely nothing unless you give it value. It should be meaningless when it comes to fighting, save perhaps, as a distraction to use against the other guy. We have all heard the same old expletives and insults so many times that they no longer have significance.
Unfortunately, it is not always easy to keep this perspective. Calling one’s masculinity into question, for example, is designed to attack the deepest part of your psyche. It is meant to go to the root of who you think you are, to kick your metaphorical feet right out from underneath you. And it can work if you let it.
While standing in the living room of his home, Bill’s wife (now ex-wife) decided that he needed to find a windshield repair business for her to get her car windshield fixed that Monday morning. Bill, however, had a business meeting he had to get to and told her that he did not have time that morning, but would take care of it in the afternoon. Impatient, she went to the heart as quickly as she could. “Be a man,” she spat out.
Bill was instantly mad. He didn’t do anything about it but he was seriously upset. That is how quick three little words can take you from walking out the door thinking about a meeting to becoming instantly ticked off. Name-calling is designed to knock you off your mental equilibrium. When you are mad, you are not in total control. When you are not in control of yourself, you become vulnerable.
Think of the classic movie scene where the hero hits the villain in the face. The villain just smiles, and maybe spits out some blood, and continues the fight. Name-calling is like the first punch in a fight; it is meant to put you off balance. If you respond to the name-calling, you have reeled from the first punch. Worse yet, if the other guy can goad you into throwing the first blow, you become the bad guy in the eyes of the law (or of any witnesses). Now he has free reign to tee off on you with impunity. After all, he’s defending himself from your aggression. That’s another important reason to be cautious when insults start to fly.
Do your best not to respond to insults. By understanding that they’re not truth but merely a way to get at you, they can become a punch you will choose not to receive.
It is important to note that often the intense emotional response that words cause may be harder to ignore than those caused by weapons. For example, you can be wounded in combat with an adversary and never know it until after the dust settles, suddenly discovering that you’ve been stabbed, shot, or badly mangled once the adrenaline wears off and the pain kicks in. There are hundreds of cases where soldiers on the battlefield suddenly discovered that their legs had been blown off when they tried to stand back up after a firefight.
Calm, reasoned responses will help you win in a fight, yet if you lose your cool because of what someone has said, your technique gets thrown out of whack. Fighting when enraged makes you a bit stronger and faster but far less skilled. Against a competent opponent, your rage will get you busted up pretty quickly.
Words are meaningless unless you give them power. Then they can hurt you.
Words are meaningless unless you give them power. Name-calling is designed to knock you off your mental equilibrium. If you let them make you mad, you are no longer in control, hence vulnerable. That’s when words really can hurt you.
If You Have Made a Mistake, Apologize
Success in warfare is gained by carefully accommodating ourselves to the enemy’s purpose.
An individual can easily change his mind, so his movements are difficult to predict. You must appreciate this.
Imagine this scenario: You walk out of the restroom at your neighborhood bar and accidentally smack into another guy, spilling his beer. He is clearly upset, calls you a derogatory name, and takes a swing at you. If your goal is not to get hurt, you can walk away, he can walk away, he can be dragged away on a stretcher, or he can be carried away in a box. All these options accomplish your goal of not being hurt, but some are clearly better than others are.
What might happen if you can evade his punch and say something along the lines of, “Whoa! I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there. Let me buy you a new one.” Conversely, what will certainly happen if you immediately begin to fight back?
You can often tell when someone is in the wrong by how he or she reacts. Anyone who is unwilling to admit that he made a mistake is almost always going to take the argument to a personal level. Rather than continuing to debate the merits of the disagreement, he suddenly changes tactics and insults start to fly. At that point, the conflict is no longer about the mistake; it is about dominance, control, and saving face. Sadly, violence will often follow.
If you are in error about something, it is usually best to admit it. Honesty is a much better way to de- escalate a bad situation than lying or stubbornly refusing to acknowledge a wrong. It is tough on the ego, but it sure beats an unnecessary hospital stay, jail time, or trip to the morgue.
Your life and physical well-being are worth fighting for while your possessions and self-esteem are not. Unfortunately, however, when you apologize to an aggressive person, it will often be seen as weakness. You may very well be verbally attacked for saying that you are sorry, hence feel compelled to fight. Don’t fall into that trap.
The apology rarely goes like this: You say,
It is more likely to work this way: You say,
Your goal is not to fight. If you walk away, your goal will be achieved. There can be no fight unless he follows you. Expect to get a couple more verbal jabs as you leave though, maybe something challenging your manhood or your sexuality. Either way, leave it alone. Move on. Go somewhere else and enjoy your evening.
Name-calling is never worth fighting over. If the other person challenges you in this way, it is because he wants to fight. He thinks he can win. If he follows you and subsequently attacks, you will be on the side of the angels when things go to court. More often than not, however, he’s just trying to provoke you into making the first move, or establishing dominance and will let you walk away.
The reason for this type of aggression should not be important to you. You don’t care if the guy who challenged you had a bad childhood, was molested, or is just out with his posse for the evening and looking to make a good impression. You don’t need a fight. You don’t want a fight. Chances are, if he’s spoiling for a fight, you are already outnumbered, overpowered, or something else is stacked in the other guy’s favor, not yours. Maybe he’s
