even got a weapon palmed, and is ready and able to use it.
Don’t find out how he has stacked the deck unless he forces you to. Be the bigger man and walk away. After all, the tougher you truly are, the less you should feel a need to prove it. If you have made a mistake, apologize and be done with it.
Anyone who is unwilling to admit that he made a mistake is almost always going to take the argument to a personal level. At that point, the conflict is no longer about the mistake. If you are in error about something, admit it. Honesty is a much better way to de-escalate a bad situation than lying or stubbornly refusing to acknowledge a wrong. It is tough on the ego, but it sure beats the alternative. Giving someone a face-saving way out affords him the opportunity to back down gracefully. Put his back up against the metaphorical wall, on the other hand, and he will feel forced to lash out at you physically.
Make Sure Your Intentions are Clear and Understandable
When the general is weak and without authority; when his orders are not clear and distinct; when there are no fixed duties assigned to officers and men and the ranks are formed in a slovenly haphazard manner, the result is utter disorganization.
Really skilful people never get out of time, and are always deliberate, and never appear busy.
If you are in a face off with someone, you have already passed the interview stage and your adversary has made the decision you are an easy mark. Before he hits you, however, you might still be able to make him rethink that decision. It is still a negotiation until someone gets hit. Consequently, words are critical before fists start to fly. They can still de-escalate the confrontation or even stop it dead in its tracks.
“Don’t f%&k with me!” is an old, tired expression that means nothing. The bad guy has certainly heard that before and most likely beat down the last guy who said it. Snarling something along the lines of, “I am going to rape you when I am done with you,” on the other hand, changes the picture.[6]
While it may not play too well in court if someone hears you saying this sort of thing, and you need to have the physicality and demeanor to make it a convincing threat, your adversary will certainly get the message. Your intention, making him realize that he’s picking on the wrong guy, is clear and understandable. You are scary. By breaking the conventions of what is expected, you seize the high ground militarily speaking.
Wilder remembers an incident from his college days that illuminates this point. Several friends of his were returning from a party on campus when they needed to cross the street. The combination of inebriation and young male cockiness led them to decide to cross where they wanted rather than at the designated crosswalk, which at night would have been the sensible choice. As they jaywalked across the middle of the block, a fellow student in a sports car came down the road. Seeing Wilder’s pack of drunken friends, he slammed on his brakes and laid on the horn.
Of course, Wilder’s friends should have been at the crosswalk waiting for the light, but the guy in the sports car should not have been going over the speed limit. And really, was the horn necessary? Add to it the driver had his girlfriend in the car, so he undoubtedly felt that he needed to yell an obscenity or two at the drunken horde to look good in her eyes. Everybody was in the wrong and alcohol was involved, a dangerous combination.
Here’s the real mistake. Because the guy was in his car he felt he was safe. We all have directed some kind of remark to another driver while in our cars that we would never say in line at the bank. However, this was a sports car with the top down so the driver and his girlfriend could enjoy the early summer night. Even if the top had not been open, windows are easy to break. At this point, the driver had made his intention clear—a verbal and public admonishment of the drunken goofballs who stepped into his path. Wilder’s friend Chris, on the other hand, had another intention. He turned, placed his foot on the front bumper of the sports car, hopped up onto the hood and with two quick, and very heavy, hood-denting steps prepared to kick in the windshield. He stated, loudly and clearly, “What the f%&k is wrong with you, a*&hole!”
Now this vignette is not about right and wrong, or even about justification; it is about making your intentions clear. The driver’s intent had been to shame these guys in front of his girlfriend for crossing incorrectly. He thought he was doing it from the “safety” of his car. The bottom line in his mind most likely was, “These guys are stupid and I am going to call them on it. They can’t touch me because I’m in my car.”
A clear intent to defend yourself, along with a demonstration of ability to physically do so, can often stop a fight before it begins. Your words and demeanor must convince your adversary that he’s picked on the wrong guy.
Wilder’s friend Chris’s intention was clear as well—to do violence to the driver. He demonstrated his capacity for violence for all to see, metaphorically going from 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. Not exactly a response that the driver expected. If he were willing to do what he just did, what else would he be capable of? He literally demonstrated his intention to do so by damaging the car and asked the driver if he would like to be next.
Sure, everybody was in the wrong at several levels. What if the driver had pulled a gun? Would Wilder’s friend have been able to stop it? Would you? Would you be willing to risk it? Hopefully not. Regardless, the point here is that Chris was willing to take that risk. He was willing to show just how far he was able to go. The message he conveyed by crushing a car hood was clear—“You’re next!”
If you wish to preclude violence verbally or through some act, make sure that you are communicating what you intend and that you understand the risks in acting on that intention as well.
Saying Something Once Does Not Mean That It Was Understood
In large-scale strategy, at the start of battle we shout as loudly as possible.
When a group of nurses and/or orderlies in a mental hospital have to physically restrain a patient who has gotten out of control, they often use physical cues as well as words to communicate with each other. Not only do they get commands like, “Move over, I can help,” but also they often get a tap or even a push as well.
The reason for this multi-layered communication is an attempt to circumvent the adverse impacts of adrenaline. Stress-induced accelerated heart rates can cause a loss of fine motor skills such as finger dexterity, complex motor skills such as hand-eye coordination, and depth perception. Under extreme conditions, people experience hyper-vigilance, loss of rational thought, memory loss, and inability to consciously move or react.
The same thing happens when you are facing down an adversary on the street; he can’t hear you very well.
