Yankovic is a world-class comedian, a truly funny guy. As with most of his material, this song is hysterical, at least for people who haven’t lived through domestic violence. Sadly, what he jokes about in the song is all too true in some relationships. Little hints become bigger hints; small behaviors turn into larger ones. And if you don’t pay attention to the clues, something bad inevitably happens.
Case in point: “She took a fishing knife out of his tackle box and stabbed him seven times in the chest. Killed him,” Wilder’s business partner, Rick, told him over the phone. “What, you mean your painter, Jeff?” Wilder asked. “Yep,” Rick replied, “Stabbed him last night while he slept.”
Jeff was a good employee. He was on time, had a talent for painting cars, and he loved the outdoors. Jeff’s girlfriend, on the other hand, was wild. She was a real knockout but had little control over her emotions. In fact, the police had been to their home several times, especially on the weekends. She had even been sentenced to jail for assaulting him before.
Sadly, Jeff never stood a chance that night. While he peacefully slept, she went into his tackle box and pulled out a boning knife, symbolically taking her weapon from his favorite pastime: fishing. The blade was sharp and light with a long, tapered point, and a keen edge. She crept into their bedroom, held the boning knife high over his chest, and thrust it downward into his heart with both hands. Then she pulled it out and slammed it in again… and again, and again, and again, and again, and then once more for good measure. And then she left the house.
Gang tattoo. Respect, reputation, and revenge are the hallmarks of gang culture. If you think you are tough enough to take on a gang banger, you are just plain stupid.
Everybody who had ever met Jeff liked him. He was pleasant, easy to know, and honest. Anybody that met the two of them, however, had difficulty understanding their relationship. While everyone was saddened by what had happened, it didn’t really take anyone all that much by surprise. In fact, not too long before the incident someone had joked, “I hope she’s really good in bed man, because you know she’s gonna do you in one day.” All the hints were there, the warnings loud and clear, yet Jeff did not heed any of them. Now he’s dead.
Respect, reputation, and revenge are the hallmarks of gang culture. If you think you are tough enough to take on a gang banger, you are just plain stupid. Mess with one and you’ve messed with them all. No disrespect, challenge, or assault will go unanswered. Since most gang members care little for societal norms, there is little they will not do to avenge a perceived slight. Most do not expect to live past the age of twenty-five; consequently their “living in the now” mentality makes them capable of just about anything. You have a lot more to lose than they do. That’s an equation that’s heavily weighted against you.
Domestic violence can go both ways, yet more often than not it’s the guy who is the abuser. In fact, between 1976 and 2004, more than thirty percent of female murder victims were killed by their husband or boyfriend, a rather substantial number when you realize that less than ten percent of male victims were killed by an intimate over that same period. That’s why we have so many battered women’s shelters, victim advocates, and community resources that focus on helping women and children move away from hazardous relationships.
It might not happen as often, or at least not be reported as much, but men are definitely abuse victims too. More than 100,000 men are violently assaulted or killed by their wives or girlfriends each year in the United States.
Graffiti, hand signs, verbal challenges, stare-downs, and physical assaults are common in gang culture. While it is typically targeted at rival gang members, innocent civilians can easily become targets and/or get caught in the middle.
Here are some warning signs of abusive relationships that apply to both sexes, reliable predictors of eventual violence or murder.
• Your partner frequently yells at you, reprimands you, or demeans you in public. You have cause to fear his/her temper or are concerned about what kind of mood he or she is in on a regular basis.
• Your partner isolates you, prevents you from getting or keeping a job, keeps you from seeing friends or family, or otherwise alienates your friends or family so that they feel uncomfortable being around that person. This is another method of cutting you from the herd, eliminating your support group.
• Your partner keeps you from leaving your house or apartment from time to time, or conversely, occasionally locks you out of your home.
• Your partner threatens to hurt or kill you, your children, your family, your friends, or your pets. All such threats, even ones given in jest, should be taken seriously.
• Your partner hits, slaps, pushes, or shoves you, pulls your hair, or inflicts unwanted physical injury on you in any way, even during sex. The first time your significant other strikes you should be the last. Screaming and yelling might be tolerated on occasion but physical abuse never should be.
• Your partner exhibits extreme jealously, checking in on you frequently, following you around or hiring someone else to do so, going through your mail, or installing monitoring programs on your computer. He or she becomes angry when you talk to or look at people of the opposite gender even when you have a legitimate reason for doing so.
Since female-on-male violence can be harder to predict than vice-versa, subtle warning signs must be heeded.
One of the most important things a domestic abuse victim can do is get away from the perpetrator before things get worse. Danger to the victim and any children or pets they might have, however, is likely to increase at the time of separation so you have to be careful about how you do it. Nevertheless, if you feel threatened in a relationship it is essential to take action right away. It is easy to rationalize or procrastinate, hoping that things will get better. Most of the time, however, they won’t.
It can be tough to leave but you must do it. You can work around economic issues such as loss of housing, income, health insurance, or transportation. It’s a bit tougher, but you can work through emotional, cultural, religious, or family issues too. You might even have heard horror stories of health care providers, law enforcement officers, social workers, or even the courts blaming the victim, particularly when he’s a guy, but those things are rare and a good lawyer can help you work through them.
Don’t be embarrassed to death. Leave. There are plenty of resources to help you do the right thing and keep yourself safe. In most communities, there are both government and private agencies that can help you work through these issues, providing relocation, temporary housing, medical assistance, and attending to other needs as appropriate.
There are some very interesting differences between men and women when it comes to fighting that can also become important in dysfunctional relationships. For the most part, men have “hot” rage. If they’re going to lash out violently, it will be in the heat of anger. Women, on the other hand, tend to have “cold” rage. They’re the ones who will take revenge long after the incident that inflamed them has passed, quite possibly after you’ve forgotten all about the argument, indiscretion, or whatever it was that occurred.
Since female-on-male violence can be harder to predict, subtle warning signs must be heeded. Women are more likely than men to get you while you sleep, stabbing you in the chest, setting you on fire, or putting a bullet in your head. They are the ones who might cut off your penis and throw it out the window of a moving car (Lorena Bobbitt, 1993) or flush it down the toilet (Kim Tran, 2005). If you are truly unlucky, she might become enraged, tear off your testicle with her bare hands, and try to eat it (Amanda Monti, 2007).
