In attempting to account for Freddie’s decision to confine his sexual activities to men, a decision which he took after that first experience at fellating a man, we must recognize that we are treading on dangerous ground. As one authority in the field has remarked, “There is no single theory that completely explains the cause of this aberration, what causes one person to become a homosexual may not hold’ true of another. Whether or not a child develops homosexual tendencies is dependent upon a number of contributory factors-parental influence, experiences of a sexual nature during childhood or early adolescence, feelings of inferiority associated with specific handicaps, personal reactions to home environment as well as susceptibility to influences within the community.” (Caprio, Variations in Sexual Behavior, p. 91.) Two of these factors, the second and third listed, are of special interest in further understanding Freddie’s behavior.
When asked to ‘describe his earliest sexual experiences, Freddie admitted that ‘he had learned to masturbate from a childhood friend. Neither of them had masturbated the other, though this is not necessary in order for the act to qualify as a homosexual experience in the strictest definition of the term.
Freddie and his friend quickly enlarged their circle of acquaintances and it was common for as many as half a dozen of the boys to be masturbating in unison. This is not unusual-behavior. The “circle jerk,” as childhood vernacular terms it, will be familiar to many of our readers.
The unusual aspect of Freddie’s experience is that he came to associate the sight of penises with sexual arousal. The sight of an erect phallus, preferably large, always affected him strongly and, often, he stimulated himself while masturbating by concentrating upon images of the male sexual organ. He specifically mentioned that he preferred remembering penises which were unusually large. An investigator familiar with homosexuals and their thought processes remarks that “This concern about the size of the penis is common to most of them. They are either self-conscious because of their small penis (penis-inferiority), or they possess a large penis and feel proud that it is larger than that of someone else. They use the penis as a symbol of masculinity (compensation for effeminacy.)” (Caprio, Variations in Sexual Behavior, p.125.)
The same writer goes on to observe that many homosexuals lack confidence in their relations with the opposite sex. “His fear that he might not be able to satisfy a woman sexually accounts for some of his inhibitions. Obsessed with the idea that he was regarded as a ‘sissy,' becomes obsessed with the idea that he would probably disappoint a girl sexually. To avoid any acute frustration in this regard he protects himself by trying not to think of ‘nice’ girls in a sexual way… (Ibid., p. 126.) Everything about Freddie suggests that he felt distinctly inferior toward women. He pointed out that he had had relatively little sexual experience at the time he met the woman he married. This revelation suggests a disinclination to get involved with the opposite sex, perhaps due to doubts of his ability to satisfy their sexual desires. As a child, his interest in art-notoriously an “unmanly” interest in our society- would have operated to further this sense of inferiority and unmanliness. Once he discovered that his wife was interested in him less for his own sake than for what she could make out of him, this old feeling of weakness would have been strongly reinforced.
Thus our subject’s early experiences with mutual masturbation and his unsatisfactory relations with the opposite sex would seem to explain his readiness to convert to the homosexual way of life. His wife’s scornful attitude toward homosexuals, as expressed in her contemptuous dismissal as an “old faggot” of the man Freddie held up as an example of a truly knowledgeable art critic, would have aided him in his decision. By becoming something she detested, a homosexual, he would in a way be striking back at her. — As we shall see later, Freddie soon lost his interest in fellating other men and became exclusively anal centered. He had no interest at all in sodomizing other men; his desire was to be sodomized. Ordinarily this desire suggests a subconscious wish, or a conscious one, to be a woman rather than a man. By offering himself as a receptacle for the lover’s phallus, the passive sodomite can play the woman’s role in sexual intercourse and thus feed his own fantasies. In many cases, such desires also express themselves in transvestitism, or the wearing of the clothes appropriate to the opposite sex.
Freddie displayed none of this characteristic. In appearance and conversation be gave the impression of solid masculinity, though this appearance was quite deceiving. This is not surprising, since “a certain number of men who appear muscular, athletic, and manly in every respect are actually enthusiastic homosexuals. Some of those over muscled young men whose pictures adorn the physical culture magazines are only interested in the endowments — of other young men. Obviously they have enough male sex hormones.” (Reuben, Everything You At ways Wanted To Know About Sex, p. 130.) Thus there is no correlation between the way a male homosexual looks and the way he prefers to have his sexual pleasure.
“Herb, the guy I'd sucked off at that party, didn’t waste much time in getting me tied into the gay world. We met at a couple more of those sex parties. He wasn’t one hundred percent gay. He’d ball girls just enough so that nobody accused him of being overly gay. At each of these parties I went down on him again. Really, it was far more satisfying to suck him than it had ever been to fuck a girl, especially Ellen. I was completely soured on her by this time and I knew that everything in our marriage had simply been a gigantic hoax. She cared nothing about me whatever and I’d be surprised to find out I ever so much so much as gave her even a flicker of pleasure in all the time we spend in bed together.
“It was quite different with men. When a man comes, you know it! You can’t help but see or feel or taste the flow of his come. I quickly found that this ability of mine, to deliver sexual pleasure, was very satisfying to me. Before I’d never been really sure whether I was making the woman feel good or not. Now there was no doubt whatever about it. I could tell right away that making it with guys was completely in another realm as far as real, lasting satisfaction was concerned.
“As soon as I discovered hew great it was to make it with a guy, I just dried up altogether as far as Ellen was concerned. That really burned her up, finding out that I didn’t need her or want her any more. In a way, that was one of the greatest satisfactions about switching over to the gay side of things. Giving that selfish bitch her comeuppance was one of the most enjoyable things I ever did. You could tell it in my painting, even, that I was feeling better inside.
A lot of the tensions that had marred the work I’d been doing, they all began working themselves out and for a time there I was really painting pretty well.
Not like I had just before that first show, unfortunately. But for a time I thought I was going to be able to put something new together and really make a go of it.
“I peaked out at just about that time, though, and after working with canvas for a month or so I finally had to give up and admit the truth-I’d painted myself out, totally and completely, and I’d gotten to the point where I didn’t even care any more about trying to put it alt down on canvas. That’s the ultimate dead end for a painter, when you don’t care any more, and I could see the handwriting on the wall.
“Fortunately I’d met Gerald by that time. He could see that I was through as a painter and when I finally got around to admitting it to myself he took me on as his secretary. I haven’t lost my feeling for painting, you understand. I’ve only lost my desire to paint. I can still appreciate the work that others are doing, however. That’s one thing that makes me valuable to Gerald. I’m pretty sure that he would keep me on as his secretary even if we stopped being lovers, so long as it wasn’t one of those tempestuous, melodramatic breaks where people screech and throw things at each other and say dreadful things. Not that there’s much likelihood of that! “Gerald must have heard through the grapevine that I was coming on strong as far as the gay scene was concerned. We’d known each other for several years and, yes, I was perfectly aware of his preference for men as lovers. We’d always been friends, though I’m not quite sure why. My painting was never good enough to excite his admiration; even the best work I ever did. There are times when I believe that he saw, even that far ago, that he and I had a great future together.
“You’ll have to understand that, at the time that Gerald and I first became lovers, I still didn’t have much experience at this sort of thing. As far as I was concerned, sucking was the absolute ultimate in sex and I’d have been perfectly content to have left it at that. And especially when it’s a question of Gerald-he’s monumentally hung, you know, and has a cock that’s simply the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. It’s every bit of ten inches long and has this magnificently sculpted head that’s perfectly immense: It’s simply a gorgeous prick.
“We were up in his studio the first time that we balled. I’d come there to meet him for an appointment. Gerald was showering when I arrived. I know that that’s a very outdated way of getting the message across but it worked with me and that’s what matters, isn’t it? I came into the Studio and he called me into the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom he was naked, obviously, and I couldn’t help staring at his meat. It was so huge, so attractive, that I was overwhelmed. I’d never seen one so large, especially when it wasn’t hard, and the sight was intoxicatingly erotic. 'It’s only a prick,” he said, throwing the towel aside when he’d finished with it. “Every man has
